Love's a loaded gun...and it shoots to kill

My Dearest Faith...

Yes,i know,it's been 10 years now,and to me those 10 years are like 10 seconds to me.A lot has happened since then.Your music career has taken its toll.Me?*shrugs**well i got married.But now divorced(gues we got married for all the wrong reasons),i wasnt over you as yet,i gues i wanted to make a cover up or something..i donno..

I live with my 9 year old girl now in a house i recently bought in Millenium Estate-Block 6. It's now that i realise women can do much better withou men-a belief that's untrue to most women.I've got a good job that pays well..our...my daughter attends one of the best schools around,and i wanna get myself a 'Maybech'(pronounced maybeggg) i dreamed about last night,not that i got any money,but i make more money when i travel the world to market our products and my country.

The reason why i write this to you now is because i was in Paris two days ago,and i ran into your brother,Henry.What's happened to him? He's grown so big!..the stomach...eish...! Well he's the one who told me how you doing,coz honestly speaking i never forgotten what we shared back then.He's the one who told me you'll be leaving for S.A in a coupla days to record with Dj Cleo(Did i hear Mr Doe-The Soprano mention your name in his song Hot to Death?).I though..well...at least you got a name to call yourself and believe you me,i'm really happy for you.I know you were younger than me then(still are anyway),you were 18 and i was 21,you had a brighter and much promising future ahead of you,i wasnt supposed to juperdise that for you.But Qbio,what we shared that night still live inside me even up to this day.I had a belief that older women cannot get married to men younger than them,no matter the age,but you...just you..there was something about you..i cannot put a finger on it,but something about you made me believe that you and i could go an extra mile you know? I believed so much that together we could accomplish so much,i believed so much in us,i believed so much in the love i thought we shared,i believed so much in our future together.

I remember the incident as if it happened only yesterday.I was with my cousin at Reddot.Your brother had just moved into a new house and you guys had thrown a house-warming party.Doc and i decided to chill a litle at Reddot before joining you guys later in the night.I was living for J'burg the next morning.When Reddot closed we came to your house.It was so great.I rememeber when you took me in a tour around the house,your brother's room was tidy,yours was a mess,i saw your studio..I remember we were in there,and you were showing me all the songs you came up with in the computer that needed the finishing touches,we stayed in the studio for a while,talking and laughing about this and that.It was in that studio where we had our first kiss.It ws in that studio where i felt the scent of a man-a real man,after i donno how long.It was in that studio where you whispered all those sweet for nothings in my ear.It was in that studio where you plucked up the courage to tell me how you really felt about me.It was in that studio where a lot of things happened,things that we lived up to this day still regretting,and still i have'nt stopped thinking how come we regret ever sharing something so special,something so intimate,something so sentimental.It was in that very studio where we made love for the first time after courting for 2 and half years.It was again in that very studio,and that very night where our baby was concieved!

Somebody once told me that letting the truth out will set you free and i gues its true because as i write this,i can feel a whole lot of weight being lifted from my shoulders.The purpose of this letter is to inform you that when i boardered the bus the next day for J'burg,and i recieved your sms,telling me not to keep the baby,in my heart of hearts,i knew too that i couldn't keep the baby then,i was still at school,i had to get my degree,i knew that in S.A i'll be able to get doctors who can help me have an abortion,and so i agreed with you that i can't keep the baby.I cursed you so much those days you know? I saw you as a coward who couldn't live up to the standards of facing his own problems,but again our baby wasn't a problem was it? How can you tell somebody to get rid of your baby? How can you be so cruel?,so in-human?,so heartless? I loved you Qbio,i really did,what happened to our love?,promises,you always made promises i so much believed you were gonna put through,is this what older women will get in return for loving younger men?

Well,what has happened has happened,i gues it's high time i let bygones be bygones you know? and live the past where it belongs.It was a life lesson i learnt the hard way.Are you wondering what i did?..well all i can say is i tried with all my might,with all that i got,one doctor said he doesn't perform that anymore,another one asked me who told me that in S.A abortion is legal,just as i thought now am gonna do it one other doctors said the machines that he uses were worn out so maybe they wont perform perfectly.I almost cried.Dammnnnit! how can cry over trying to kill a life? When i checked out the traditional doctor he told me its gonna be fine,he'll be able to perform that on me.He told me to go and come the following day.The following day when i came to him he said that his ancestors came to him in dream that he shouldn't do that! That they were gonna kill him if he did!...only to find out later that...modimo ga se mosimanyana(God aint a small boy)....and i aint a murderer...

All those years i had to endure all that was said about me('an old woman,after a litle boy,she wants to cleanse her blood with his').Thats what people said about me,and more.All the names i was called,all that my daughter-our daughter was told,that her father is young enough to be her brother.I must confess to you Faith,it was too much to take,it hurt,it still does.Du wanna know what i called her? Tsholofelo,meaning Hope.Even up to this day,even though i thought all that about you,i still have hope that you'll come back and if ever you decide that,know that i'll welcome you with open arms.

I'll write again sometime...please dont write back,i gues it'll be better that way.

Your loving friend
El Santy