Tuesday, May 31, 2016

A Bitter Pill To Swallow

This is Jeddah.He'll be 5 this coming November 4.


He is the sweetest kid i've ever known.He loves watching WWE and his favourite is John Cena.I recently bought him aT-shirt imprinted his idol on it,and i remember he wore it to bed that night.

Of the three he seems like he's the older one,but he's the youngest.The things he says,the way he watches out for Vicky and Jnr.I donno...this guy scares me sometimes....

The year is 2003,January.I had been suffering from constant headches for the past coupla months.I had,at one point,thought it could be migraines.I tried drinking a lotta water,but it didn't help.I wanted to tell Rogers(Jnr's dad) what was bothering me,but i couldn't.He worried too much about my headache.Everytime when we went to buy grocery,he never forgot the headache pills.He will buy them in bulk(10 satchets max)-either grandpa or panado.The headache precceded....

Then,i gues i coudn't take it anymore.I wanted to stop taking those pills,coz i knew what was wrong with me.I wanted to stop thinking.I wanted everything to get back to normal.I wanted to take part in playing with the kids on saturdays.I wanted to take pictures of them when we went out.I wanted to start teaching Vicky how to write her name...she was well going into 4...

One saturday morning,it wasn't very cold outside.Like always Rogers was with the kids in their room,playing with their toys.I was sleeping in our bedroom.Not sleeping really.Thinking,thinking and thinking some more.Then he came inside the room.

''The kids are asking for you in their room''

''What is wrong Rogy? i wanna sleep ah-ah! please leave me alone will you?''

''Jane what is wrong ne mma?''

''NOTHING!!''

''Wouw! don't shout! You been like this for the past 12 months Jane,what is really wrong?''

''I said nothing!''

''I'm not gonna leave this room unless you tell me whats bugging you,i cannot go on like this when you don't talk to me''

''Batho! i said there's nothing wrong with me,can't you understand that?''

''You are shouting too much,there's definitely something wrong with you and you are goinno tell me right now!''

Oh my God! I turned to look at him for the first time since he entered the room.He was shaking.When Rogy shook like that i always knew he meant business.That inner voice came again..''tell him Jane,tell him and get this over and done with''.

I started crying.Well i didn't wanna cry.I just wanted to look him in the eyes and plead with him to believe every word that iwas goinno tell him then.But when i looked at him,the tears came pouring down.I tried to stop them,but they just came pouring down like that.Non-stop.I felt very sorry for him.I looked at his innocent face.I hated myself then..He came very closer to me and held me close to him.That made things worse. ''stop crying right now Jane and tell him!''..the inner voice again...

When he let go of me,i couldn't bring myself to even look at his face.This guy had done so much for me.He was good with the kids too.He always looked forward to knocking off at work and going home to them.He taught them well.I remember a time when i found Jnr crying and when i asked what happened,i was told his father nearly killed him because he(Jnr) pushed Jeddah,and Jeddah fell hurting his forehead.Oh yeah we nearly fought,me and him,that night.

He even abandend his family to be with me.When his mother disowned him,i promised to be his mother,i promised to always be there for him.Now i knew that what i was goinno tell him then,was goinno change everything.Everything.

''It's Jeddah!''

''Yes? what about him?''

Say it Jane! Dammnit! tell him!..

''He's not....he's not yours!''

He let go of me,walked silently outta the room.

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

''Dear Jaybabe

l'm sorry l haven 't talked to you in so long.
l feel l've been lost...
no bearings, no compass.
i kept crashing into things, a little crazy, l guess.
i've never been lost before.
you were my true north.
i could always steer for home when you were my home.
forgive me for being so angry when you left.
i still think some mistake's been made...
and l'm waiting for God to take it back.
but l'm doing better now.
the work helps me.
most of all, you help me.
you came into my dream last night with that smile...
that always held me like a lover...
rocked me like a child.
all l remember from the dream...
is a feeling of peace.
i woke up with that feeling...
and tried to keep it alive as long as l could.
i'm writing to tell you that l'm on a journey toward that peace.
and to tell you l'm sorry about so many things.
i'm sorry l didn 't take better care of you...
so you never spent a minute being cold or scared or sick. ''
i'm sorry I didn't try harder to find the words. . .
to teII you what I was feeIing.
i'm sorry I never moved house.
i have moved house now.
i'm sorry I ever fought with you.
i'm sorry I didn't apoIogize more.
i was too proud.
i'm sorry I didn't bring you more compIiments. . .
on everything you wore and every way you fixed your hair.
i'm sorry I didn't hoId on to you with so much strength. . .
that even God couIdn't puII you away. ''

Jayn Sean said...

You are not gonna delete this are you?

Thank God He managed to make you utter all that.You are very much forgiven anyway...even though i know you don't mean every word you wrote there.Is it you who wrote this or you copied somewhere and pasted here?

Still fighting i can see.I'm in no mood for fighting oo!

Anonymous said...

to Jamie Lee and Nomsa(R.I.P and God bless your soul) and to my family, and to all friends and strangers. This is my message and a prayer. The message is that my travels taught me a great truth and to fight till the end of time. l already had what everyone is searching for, and few ever find. The one person in the world, who l was born to love forever. A person like me. A person rich in simple treasures. self-made, self-taught. A harbor where l am forever home. And no wind or trouble or even a little death can knock down this house.
The prayer is that everyone in the world can know this kind of love and be healed by it. lf my prayer is heard, then there will be an erasing of all guilt,and all regret,and an end to all anger.

Amen.

Jayn Sean said...

3 things for you Edwin

1.Leave a comment thats related to the post topic
2.You've started praying...then go to church.God will definitely listen to you there,i won't.
3.You were not supposed to write all this shit on my blog! And i don't even think you are following the prescription of the pills you got from the psychiatrist.You lossing it!

eloquence of expression said...

What this gotta do with me? I hate it when the name Edwin appears in your songlife. Leave it out and I dont believe in prayers and shit. Fuck

Jayn Sean said...

Now you starting to look sooo very stupid!..you don't even know who you are do you? Anonymous?,Broath Spoiler? exschoolnerd? Edwin? Where the fuck du fall?..mxem..look..start taking those psychiatric pills and leave blogville.

EDNUTEY said...

ohhh, my favorite is John Cena too
God knows I lovethatguy

EDNUTEY said...

hmmm
WOW
ok, pls continue the story will u?

Dolly said...

Please continue the story

Admin UD said...

Oh dear, poor him and who are the retards defacating ya comment wall :(

Jayn Sean said...

@sparkle & Dolly...nothing more to write after that really.Only that my life changed and i lived the way he wanted.If he had money i know he would've hired a bodyguard for me.He never left my side from then onwards.Gave me an engagement ring in 2004 to show me he meant business...only that...he became abusive(verbally/emotionally) after that...started going out a lot,coming back home in the wee hours of the mornings,started darting when his phone rang,putting it on silent mode,you know?,those kinda things till i called it quits after i found a girl in the house...you know the story now-Been Beaten Twice As Hard.

@Ugo...yeah poor him..
Tell these lunatics to stop shiting on my comment wall will you?

Unknown said...

HI Jay,
just dropped by to say i love your blogs...

Anonymous ppl: pls stop disturbing our gal jay...

Jayn Sean said...

Hey Pam...don't stress your head with this anonymous guy...see these are some of the things that happen in life.When you are frustrated or when life itself frustrates you..you take it onto others.So don't mind him/her

I love your blog too girl,passed by and i gues you were not around.Thanx hey...

EDNUTEY said...

WOW..na wa o
abeg ignore d monkeys wey dey stalk ur blog...

so, how have u been?
I mean, since it all happened and y'all ended it, how have u been?

Jayn Sean said...

@Sparkle...you know how i been now.Been blogging all the time shaa! And i'm grateful for you guys in blogville,made it possible for me to say it all out without fear of someone shouting into my ear you know?...so i been here mann!...doing good i gues..

Anonymous said...

Mxm! Dirty Bitch!!! How can you have a baby with different man when you are staying with another man.You could've easily been another statistic of "passion killing". Count yourself lucky. I hope you are a changed person coz next time you might not be so lucky.

feather said...

Hi Jay, I don't know how you'll take this but i really think you need to sort stuff first with God then yourself, only then will you have peace inside and with all these people who have issues with you.Just care about you and hope that you get that peace. I really do.

Jayn Sean said...

@Anonym...Edwin,i've toldu before,and i'll still tell you again-next time you think of using that word again,THINK OF YOUR MOTHER!

@Feather...girl don't worry about me okay? I aint got any issues with anyone,just that ppl have got issues with themselves.They know the truth,i know the truth,but most of all GOD KNOWS THE TRUTH...Thanx for caring...

diary of a G said...

wow
a Bitter Pill To Swallow indeed
I'll be around

Jayn Sean said...

Hey DOG...yeah you stay around.

EDNUTEY said...

WOW
I'm glad u're ok...u might want to make dis blog moderated...u knwo d MFs keep coming back with those smart comments...

u keep doing ur thing
I'll be back

Jayn Sean said...

@Sparkle...i had thought about that moderation thing.But then again,i don't have issues with anyone,so everyone is gonna leave comments on this blog.Esp this anonymous person.I donno his intentions,but i hope he achieves whatever his motive.
Thanx again for being there girl..

1l said...

...changed my mind

Unknown said...

hey girl,
there is a competition running at the african loft. To get more details, check:
www.africanloft.com

pls, pass the word around.


DON'T LET ANYONE GET YOU DOWN!!!

Jayn Sean said...

@meatloaf...this is a free world.You do anything you want

@Pammy...k girl i will.NO ONE WILL EVER GET ME DOWN.NEVER!!

1l said...

Something I'm having a little trouble with:
This guy, Rodgers. Spent his time in front of his computer 'whacking off' as you told the world wide web....twice to my knowledge. Then he starts playing around, eventually moving in another girl. What a disgusting individual.
But wait. Have I got the timeline wrong? You are single, with a daughter. The father ran off somewhere. Rodgers comes along, cares for you both and then you have a child together and he seems to be looking after you real good. Somehow it seems then that Jeddah is born, again with a father that runs off, and you stay under the loving care of Rodgers for a year or so. When you do tell him, he starts to play around? Can't be true, this story, can it?

Jayn Sean said...

@meat loaf...the story is true alright.Just that people want me to explain it the way they see it.But whats coming from deep within me is true,and its what i want you guys to know.The comments are good.Making me realise that,yes at one point i did things that are unbelieveable.But i did them,and no-one,not even me can change that.Thanx for the view anyway.

diary of a G said...

hey, Jaybabe
was just looking for the link to your blog on my page
come to realise I haven't added u yet...can you believe the nonsense?lol will do...rightaway
but
as for all the things that we've done in our life's, remember only God can judge us
you live and you learn

let people say whatever they want,
that to me is what blogging's about

when you become tired or the comments become too nonsensical
than moderate your blog

so a few people hate
the love over powers the hate
I still loves ya

Jayn Sean said...

@DOG...you donno how i been feeling this whole long weekend.Thanx for what you just wrote down here.I feel much better now.See now i gues it was a good idea to have you as a friend.Thank you very much for getting me back to my normal self.
I feel that way about you too...

feather said...

hi, just letting you know, that i've had you tagged. Please get the details from my blog.

Anonymous said...

Is this real? If it is I must say the character is in a deep mess...waow, this story is very moving.. made me shed a lil tear. .. In this kind of situation, the best thing to have is patience and believe God to take care of everything. It;s not gonna be easy to take the pain but both parties have to try.
www.lovita.bravejournal.com

Jayn Sean said...

@feather...will check that out.

@Lovita...the story is very real babe.Thru the years that passed,both parties managed to see it thru the days.God took care of everything,as He's the one we depended on most of the times.He is the who said everything happens for a reason.So i gues He still has plans both the parties and with time everything will unfold,and we'll all learn to see the reasons why what happened had to happen.Thanx for stopping by girl.I'll be by your site soonest.xx

Vera Ezimora said...

Wait, is this a true life story or is it fiction?

Jayn Sean said...

@Vera...I'm using the word I in that story.It's me i'm talking about.It's a true life story.Very real.
I'll see you in a minute.