I'm the victim,so i must come up with 15 different points of my perfect lover,i.e my ideal man.
Okay, i've been involved in a coupla relationships neh?,and everytime it ended,i would have learnt a thing or two.Either the person wouldn't have met at least one of the things i look up for in a man or maybe that we just didn't click.So the following are what makes a man my ideal man...
Like i promised,everything that i'm gonna write down here is coming straight from my heart,and you and i know that anything written from deep within is as true as the colour of our skin..as true as these my words...
1.Be confident of yourself.Thats the first thing i recognise on someone.I can immediately pick up a this-girl-is-way-too-good-for-my-liking sign on somebody from the word go.That is a total turn off for me,coz for one,we just met,and you donno the kinda guy i like.Why would you even think i would be too good for you? If you think i aint your type looking maybe at the beauty,body and brains,then you decide you dont like what you see,and decide never to meet me again,know that it will be a minus one problem on my side.You would've made things much easier for me.
2.Don't test me or my intelligence,for whatever reason coz eish! baby you'll be in for a much bigger surprise.I'm so Godammn smart.I'll give you exactly what you want.Exactly the way you want.Some guys have got a tendency of tryina find out if you can think beyond the scope,you know?,I donno what they'll really be looking for.Asking funny annoying questions and making fun of you if you don't give them 'their' answers.I'll feel it in your tone that you are tryina make fun of me and to me thats a piss off.I don't test anyone for their intelligence coz i like somebody just the way they are,front teeth or no front teeth!
3.Appreciate me the way i am,coz i'll do likewise.Don't come into my life and tryina change me to what you want.I love myself like this.I don't wanna change anything.My belly?,i'll tone it alright.The stretch marks? I'll keep on using Bio-Oil untill the world ends.The twitching on my hip bone? Well i've tried the best i could,i gues all it needs is the best,expensive medical attention,i'll get that,for now you and i need to ignore it.You can easily know the kinda person i am from the way i dress,walk,talk and the kinda friends i choose.So appreciate all that because i'm not gonna live up to your standards.I'm not gonna live your life!
4.Love me (if you say so) for who i am,not what i am.I like home-cooked meal (even though i'm a bad cook) What?...yes in the kitchen..where else? I don't often eat out.In fact i don't like eating out.Just once in a while.When i do eat out,i don't like using that fork and knife.I enjoy using my hands,I love munching on that drumstick and then continue on chewing those bones no matter where we are.Eish! Please,let's finish eating first,thats when you can tell me, ''lets go''! Dont stand up while i'm still gulping down my sweet guava juice and summon us to go.Fucken freaking embarrasing!
5.Be respectful.Respect me.Respect my future aims,my goals,what i want to achieve.If you are not in the mood,respect it if i wanna use my sex toys.Respect my friends,my family,especially my mum.I give her the best respect she ever deserves.Most of all,respect yourself,and all the others will follow suite! After we break up don't sms me to say you've got yourself another girlfriend.One thing for sure it won't hurt me.I'll just wonder what you are tryina do.
When i'm gone don't call me the next morning and say, ''another woman slept on your bed last nite'' It won't affect me in anyway,but it will make me realise that i made the right move in leaving you.
I just want my cornflakes raw with only milk inside.Respect that.Don't put thinly sliced bananas and some raisins in there!...will just make me puke!
6.Fear God,but don't tell people your body is His temple.Be careful in everything that you do and in the words you say because He's everywhere,watching and listening.No person breathing in flesh and blood can create the sea,the earth (and all other planets),the sun,the moon and the stars...there IS the creator.Thank Him everyday for seeing day at dawn and dark at night.
7.I am a very independent woman.Should i say or write that again? VERY INDEPENDENT WOMAN!.So your money,status,post at work,what you do in or with your life,your car,the number of credit cards in your wallet don't mean shit to me! I can afford to buy you underwears 12 months all through the year,take you out and buy your Hansa every weekend if you want.So don't go around leaving your I.D's and ATM cards at micro-money lenders to try and please me.My P1 is far much worth than your P1. You wondering why? Coz i fucken work my ass hard for my money.My money is a hard earned money.I work hard for it.I work on weekends.I knock off late during the week.I see my mum once in a month.So don't think your money is worth it.Maybe you don't even work hard for it.Your financial status doesn't make any part of my body jump,actually it makes me just wanna throw up!....True!
8.Eish! Please don't lie to me.If you are sharing a room with some friends tell me.If that car is not yours,just say it!.If your cousin left those Jack Pucell takkies and the Levi jeans the last time he was at your house,fucken say it! If you can't do this or that please lemme know.If you cant be able to talk,the least you can do is pick the phone and say, ''i'm in the middle of something,can't talk,i'll call you later''.Please don't just let the phone ring till it hangs coz there'll be so much running up in my mind.If you really love me,say it from your heart.Don't say it just coz i said so.Even if its just once just say it.But make sure its coming from your heart.In anything you do,in everything you say,Please don't lie to me!.....
9.Be an honest,a loving and a caring person,coz thats how i am.Mean every word you say.Don't say what you don't mean just for the sake of saying it.The consequences backfires real bad.Be open to help the needy,when you see that dirty,filthy stinking little boy playing in the streets,have the odesity to pick him up,hug him and tell him you love him.Some kids have never been told that.Even though it makes me shed a tear sometimes when i see somebody do that.
10.Critisize me to better me.Don't tell me, ''Jane,thats not how you should slice that cucumber''.Grab the godammn knife and show me how its done!.When i'm shitting in the toilet,don't shout at me to close the door,come and close it! If i change the layout of the furniture in the leaving room everyday,don't object,because i just can't sit while i know and can see that,that flower pot should be at that corner,not where it is,the mirror should be hanged opposite the main entrance,our picture should be hanged on the wall above the television.Ask my why all that and i'll tell you.By the way i have this thing with changing and cleaning the house every now and then.I'm a bad cook but at least thats what i know i'm good at.
I remember my late dad once told me that i'll send them all to a mental hospital because today their bed is facing this side and tomorrow when he comes back from work,its facing another side.Well i'm like that and i cant change it.Thats why i want my ideal man to appreciate and accept me the way i am.
11.Talk with me.Don't talk at me.The best way to settle disputes is to talk it over.Don't choose to act and think i'll see the message.I might mis-interprete what you are tryina show.
12.Our life is our life.What happens behind our bedroom door ends exactly there.Not even your mum should know that i call out all my ex's names when i have an orgasm!.Most relationships which leave the house where they were consumated ends nowhere.If i've hurt you baby tell me,don't bring in the third party coz that one is gonna take sides.Let it be me & you.Coz it was you and me from the start.
13.Yes,have your friends and i'll have mine.I can't afford to be with you 24/7/365.Have your space and i'll have mine.Miss me and let me miss you.That way every time will be like the first time.Go spree drinking with your boys at Gugu's Tavern and i'll go gossiping with my girls at the gym.But at list say hi! or text an sms at least once in a day.Thats not too much to ask is it?
14.Have the phrase, ''i'm sorry!'' in your vocabulary
15.In a nut shell,concentrate much on learning or getting to know me more than lavishing me with all the love you claim to have.That will come at a later stage.