After A Storm....The Birds Sing

The last posts have been all about what i tape as traumas that i went through.I wanna thank all those who left their comments,and all the encouragements i got really meant more than a lot to me.Reading all other people's blogs and finally mastering up the courage to write up my own,made me see that i aint walking upon this earth alone.I'm really grateful.And i gues it's time for a little smile now,after all that...

Sometimes in February i started communicating with one other guy,P.S(for Perfect Stranger) who was in the U.K then.We met at eDumela,and then exchanged email adds,and then we started talking.About nothing really.Just about him.And about me.He visited my blog,and then he said there was so much he read,and that we don't need to continue talking a bout me coz he thought he knew it all.

And then when we started talking about the kids-MY KIDS o!, he went like, ''oh! i also have got my three in a row''.And he sent me this picture.


I was told that's Fergus on the left,and he's a soldier.The next one is Lucy.She's the girl,and the oldest.She's the one in charge of everything.The other one is the talkative,always barking Hamish.I hope they are doing fine o!,coz the last time i heard of them,they were being taken to a salon for shaving!..dogs?..to a salon?..good lord!

Okay.And then we started talking again.About my country now.He told me he knows a little about my country.And he sent me his website.I went in there and found out that he has toured the western half of my coutry.I don't even know that part of this country.

And then he said he'll be coming to Namibia-a neighbouring country that's to the west-in May.In fact end of May.He'll be taking some of his friends there.Okay fine.

And then he asked me if he could see me!.He told me that there's one other place he wanted to visit in Bots and asked if he could also see me during that time.


Khama Rhino Sactuary(http://www.botswanawildlife.com/botswana/krs/index.html) is a tourist attraction destination that's situated 25km north of my home village.This is where wild animals are kept for those tourism reasons.Can you imagine?..somebody who's a million miles away knew a lot about this place and nna i was only staying 25km away from the said place,but i didn't know it? I only got to see its entrance when i pass on my way to Orapa.

When i told him that,he was like, ''Okay,i'll take you there,together with the kids.Please?''.
I really took all these for a joke o! I mean, i didn't really think that somebody who doesn't even know you,will go all the way to do all that,considering that Khama Rhino is a very expensive place to go to.I wasn't really sure that this guy was serious.
And then i asked him if he will bring along his family.He didn't answer that one.And later told me that he dropped the whole thing when he heard me mentioning his family,so he thought that i wasn't interested.
So..i donno what happened after that,but whatever happened led to me being sent confirmation and reservation letters! Oh my God!..so this guy was really serious? He even emailed me and told me he's in Namibia a week ago!

Anyway...guys i won't be in the whole of next week.I really need some time out ehh? Away from the hassle and bassle of sitting at this machine,going through people's blogs one by one.But i hope when i come back on the 4th of June i won't find a lot of updates coz it's not gonna be easy for me to catch up with all the many blogs i love,so abeg, one or two posts will do.
I hope to bring something myself when i get back,something to write about and maybe some little pictures.

Take care of all yourselves...ciaaooo!

Food For Thought

I was forwarded this message and it was entitled Resolutions Of A Woman,and i think it can make a good read to some people as it did to me.Even though it can't be the same to all of us,but i think as women and growing up in a society that has got men making decisions at every corner,these are some of the things that are vital and that someone can tag along in this journey we call LIFE....so..make up your mind!

1.Love, Love, Love Yourself.
There's only one of you, so love YOU to death!

2.Stop Playing the Victim.
Martyrdom is totally unnecessary for today's woman. Your first allegiance is to yourself.Without a strong sense of self, there is no way that you can tackle the ups and downs of a relationship or the rigors of motherhood (if you so choose).

3.Stop Settling for Less.
A piece of a man is definitely not better than a whole, healthy man. Your desperation is showing.

4.Stop Trying to Be a Saviour.
If a man doesn't have his head together and is on the skids, it is not up to you to try to save him. You are neither his mother nor his therapist. Let him go and move on. Men like this will bring you down if you aren't careful.

5.Learn to Exhale Between Relationships.
In other words...no transitional lovers. Someone always ends up being hurt and it could be
you...again, or that poor man. Neither one of you deserves to be hurt or used. Give yourself some down time.

6.Learn the Difference Between Being Alone and Lonely.
Being alone is by choice and loneliness is only temporary. Get out and enjoy yourself. Wallowing in loneliness can often make women desperate for attention and lead them into unhealthy relationships.

7.Don't Allow Any Man to Validate You.
Allowing any man to define who you are as a woman leaves you open to being controlled and eventually abused. Why give a man that type of power over you? Now, do you really want
to be the kind of woman who thinks that her life is not complete unless she has a man in it...any man? Where's your self-respect?

8.Blessed is the Child that has Her Own.
Handle your business educationally and financially. Generally, needy, uneducated women tend to attract men of the lowest character.

9.Small sacrifices now lead to bigger rewards later.
Don't let Good Sex Sway You. Sure, he may rock your boat like no other man has ever done,
but don't let the sex cloud your judgement. If he treats you like crap, or like convenient booty call or just add you to his harem then, eventually, you may come to resent him with the same passion you displayed when he was between your legs. Now, if that's all you want, and that's all you think you're worth and are willing to settle for, then be honest and protect yourself. If you play, you will definitely pay. Don't confuse lust with love. And it's not fair trying to trap him with a pregnancy neither one of you wants. That's dirty pool. And why should an innocent child pay for your stupidity? After all, you picked him.

10.Don't Try to Buy a Man's Affections.
In the long run, not only will you lose him, but you will lose your self-respect and any smidgen of respect he may have had for you. Are you that desperate? Any self-respecting man will never allow himself to be kept. Kept meaning, letting him move into your place, paying his car note, allowing him to use your credit, etc.

11.Stop Trying to Change Men.
Men will usually tell you who they are if you really listen to them. So try less talking and do more listening and you will, most likely, save yourself some trouble.

12.Stay Away from Unavailable Men.
If he's married, separated, having problems with his baby's/babies' mama/mamas, not ready for a commitment, not willing to commit, etc., he is off limits. Now if you thrive on drama, then, by all means, go right ahead. Some women are made like that.

13.Love Doesn't Hurt.
Women who say that they love physical or verbal abuse from their mates have some serious emotional issues and will continue to make up excuses until they get the help they need. Don't become a statistic. The life you save may be your own.

14.Don't Compromise Your Moral Values.
Even if you don't consider yourself a particularly religious person, promiscuity will take a toll on your self-respect and even your health, in the long run. Sleeping around with men who don't have your best interests at heart tends to chip away at the very essence of you. Listen to your instincts. They will never lead you wrong.

15.Respect is Reciprocal.
If you want respect then you must give respect, especially toward your mate. If you lash out in anger, frustration, or whatever, be prepared to receive the same in return. Even the most loving and gentle man can take only so much of his woman's funky attitude.

16.Keep Your Personal Business Between You and Your Man.
Use extreme discretion whenever you are tempted to discuss your personal problems with family, friends and etc. Many relationships have been broken up due to outsiders putting their two cents in where it didn't belong. Keep that mouth zipped!

17.Don't Advertise Your Man.
Whether he is "da bomb" or a blessing sent down from heaven, try to keep it to yourself. Actions speak louder than words. Most women can pick up on this just by being around you and yours. Why? Because you are as happy and content as a kitten with a
saucer of warm milk. It will definitely show. Now there's nothing wrong with a little bit of bragging about your man. But keep it low-key. No sense in irritating those unscrupulous women who will try to "test your man" and/or lure him away (as if they could)!

Somebody tell me something!

I left Gabz on Thursday afternoon going home.I was looking forward to seeing the kids oh.Coz i saw them last i gues around January end.So when i got to my house i packed up my luggage so fast i almost forgot the money for the bus fare.I hurriedly closed shutting the windows,pulled up the curtains in and switched off the television which is normally left on even in the mornings when i leave for the office.

It felt great getting home.My mum still waiting for the 9 o'clock news on t.v and the kids all sprawled on the mat snoring their night away.They usually doze off at around 7 coz they don't get to rest during the day.They are always out and only come back to check if there was anything to eat and after that they disappear again.

Normally you won't get basic things like meat and vegetables at a reasonable price in the village so usually i buy them in bulk and take home.So this time around i had bought like meat,veges and some other little stuff,including toys for the kids-two big trucks for the boys and a big doll for the girl,almost her size.
I had the best easter holis spent with kids.Rodgers Jnr never wanted to leave my side o.He's always like that.Others will be out playing but ene will just stay here next to me.my mum says i'm his girlfriend..lol..

It was very sad leaving them when i had to get back on Sunday.Yes i came back on Sunday coz i wanted to rest on Monday before i resumed work on Tuesday.I reached Gabz around 8pm and when i got to the house i looked for the key in the bag,but there was no key!..O.M.G!! I panicked.I took all the clothes out of the bag and started putting them back in one by one.Shaking them out everytime i put them in.There was no key.I didn't have enough credit on my phone to call my mum(what was she gonna do anyway,at that time?).So it's after 8 and maybe going in to 9pm.I walk to the nearest shops.All the phone shops are closed! Good Lord!

I paced up and down there for a while until i saw one guy talking on his phone.Did i have any choice? No! I was despearate o!,and it was freaking cold coz it rained the previous night.So i approach him and immediately asked if i could use his phone.
When i called my cousin-who leaves with his mum in the same yard with me,he told me that he was out of Tlokweng and he won't be coming home till the following day or if he did,it was gonna be in the wee hours of the morning.Damn! What was i gonna do?

I thanked the guy for his phone and left.Gues he's one of those one in million guys who won't ask for a return favour after helping out.So i'm there,pacing up and down again.I went and set by one shop there,waiting for what i didn't know.After a while i saw somebody who looked exactly like my cousin.He was looking for someone i gues coz he kept on peering into people's faces and all.So i watched him keengly until i got his face.It was my cousin!

And then,we were watching t.v at their house when i felt an urge to go check anything at my house.So when i approached i could see light coming from inside! What? i hurried to see where the light was coming from.Hey! people..my t.v was on oh! Who could've switched on my t.v?
I'm still waiting by the window.The landlady passes from the main house to her quarters.I ask her,

''How long has this t.v been on?''

''It has been like that since you left''

''What?..but i switched it off!''

''No! i haven't seen it off! Jane you don't usually switch off the lights in your house you know that? Even those lights were on! Du know how much electricity you are wasting by leaving everything on? And when i increase the bills you people start complaining!''

Ah-ah! This old woman! What the hell is she talking about? I only leave everything on wjen i'm around coz YES it's scarry living and sleeping alone.But on Thursday?...on Thursday i switched everything off! Who could have switched everything on?

Tlokweng is a village only separated from Gabz by a river.The village has got history that people there don't have a cemetory,like a graveyard.So they bury people in their houses.It's a rumour that i,myself proved true coz i once attended a funeral of a collegue's mother.She was buried inside the house.The grave is dug just as deep as those at the cemetories,the prosedure is the same.Flowers buried in with the dead and all.
So i started thinking if there's another 'person' leaving in the same house with me! Who's switching on my things when i switch them off.I even got thinking that the old woman knows.
But i'm not superstitous oo.And if they had buried somebody in that house at some point,i got nothing to do with it.It doesn't affect me.I'm not their relative oo! I donno them,they donno me.Period.

But again,somebody's playing tricks on me.And i don't like it oo.I don't like one bit!.And it wasn't the first time it happened oo.The first time it did,i said to myself, ''maybe i didn't switch it off after all''.But this time!,ah-ah! i'm sure i switched it off.I know i might have been in a hurry leaving for Serowe but i'm sure i saw myself pressing that red button on the remote control!

The Aftermath

I couldn't sleep the previous night.So many things were going on in my mind.But the main thing that was going on in my mind was what might be happening at the house i used to call my own.I'm still sleeping at 11am.My aunt had gone to work.Her first born too.And the other two had gone to school.So i'm alone in the house.I smiled coz i knew i was gonna be alone for the rest of the day.And it was gonna be like that for the next 7 days or so coz i was on study leave.

I was about to catch another nap when i heard a knock at the door.I dragged my feet outtta the bed and went to open the door.God! Please! Not now!..

''And then?''

''Can we talk?''

''About?''

After what seemed like ages he went, ''Jane,i'm sorry!''

''For what?''

''For yesterday.I didn't want it to be that way.I didn't plan it that way''

''Haa! So you planned that? Aaag! why am i even talking to you? Please leave!''

I closed the door and he quickly put his foot on the doorway. ''Jane,please hear me out!''

I showed him in.

''I've made the biggest mistake of my life by treating you like that.I was hurt okay.I wanted you to feel my pain.But now i realise i shouldn't have done that.Please forgive me?''

''Where is she right now?''

''She's at the house.I don't wanna see that girl anymore.She's refusing to leave my house.I want us to work it out Jane.Please.I cannot live without you.I just can't.

I'm looking at this guy and inside i'm going,''your house alright you surker! think i'm listening to you? after making a fool out of me you come here and tell me that crap?''

''Rogy you have to leave coz i'm going out now-!''

''You seeing somebody already?''

''No! my aunt sent me to pay her bills.And i have to study coz i'm writting my exams i a week.What i think you should do is go back to your house and be with your new girlfriend.I really cannot help you in any way.Sorry neh?''

He left and i went to get my bath before starting to run around doing some errands.Believe you me,the days that followed Rogy came to my aunt's every morning,like at 8 in the morning and sometimes left at night.He even went to fill in leave days at his work and said that he wanted to clear his mind.Our break up was still new so yes i wanted him back.I still loved him oh!

But then,one night,when i was alone in the bedroom.I started thinking.Rogy comes to check on me everyday.We spend the whole days together.He leaves at night.But when he leaves,he's going to that girl.And maybe that girl doesn't know he's coming here.He admitted that when i asked him.That girl didn't know he was coming here.She just thought he was going to work.Mmh! Men! They can really play their cards.And play them real right!
I wonder why i couldn't let him go then.Why didn't i tell him that i never wanted to see him again? Why didn't i tell him to fuck off? Well..there were reasons why i couldn't let him go.

We came thus far with Rogy.We went through a lot together.He cared for me.If it wasn't for him,i wouldn't be working for this company.If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be heading for my diploma in management now.He was there for me when Ernest fucked me up and left me with a baby.He loved Vicky as his own.He disowned his family when we had Rogers Jnr because they were complaining that he is spending too much time with me.He took me back after Jeddah.He still loved me then.Maybe even more.He planned for my birthdays in advance.He ordered stuff for Valentines day way ahead of time.He appreciated me in everything i did.In everything i was.Thats why it was fine to spend those days with him.

But then i gues he lost it when he saw that i wasn't interested in getting back with him.Well i still loved him,but what he did to me then was unforgetable.So he backed off a little.I liked it coz i was having my peace,even though i missed him sometimes.I just couldn't go back to him.I even told him that everytime i see him,i see myself fighting with another woman for him! Everytime i see him,i see myself reporting myself to the police for attempted murder! I just couldn't go back to that guy.I couldn't.

Like i said,he said he was through with Tshidi then.Didn't want him anymore after that sunday night.But life again..never ceases to amaze me.After Tshidi there came another woman into his house.The woman who had always(so i thought) wanted to be in my shoes.The woman who had always wanted to be me! The woman who had always wanted to have what i got.No! it's not a woman really.It's a girl.A little girl.

While i'm still walking this earth with these my two feet,i'll live to tell the story with Lebo! You remember her right? That little girl who Rogy and i used to help with her maths homework? That little girl who used to tell me that she looks up to me as her sister!...that's the woman of the house now...

Now You Know Why Right?

It was after a whopping two months when this other girl came to join us.She wasn't working in the same office as me but the same department.Like most people may know by now,i'm a people's person but i don't have friends..you know like someone you can hang out with and go out with at the weekends.So this girl comes in after getting to know her more i came to realise that we liked the same things and we liked talking dirty together.So i be-friended her.Abeg,our friendship was confided to the office.Like i saw her in the office and after work she'll go her way and i'll take mine.

Two years down the line,i thought i knew her and i gues she thought she knew me too.We talked about everything and anything.And then the eDumela thing started.In fact she's the one who introduced me to the site.Then i met Edwin.She wanted Edwin.Always she wanted to know the people i communicate with.When i told her,i'll find out later that she's been communicating with them.It didn't affect me anyhow coz we were just making friends..you know?

One night i went to watch my couzin,Dorcas performing at one club.In fact i been going there for a while now.Every weekend she'll be there with her group.And i'll be there to back her up.I can't even forget the night when the whole world was commemmorating Bob Marley.We were there at G4 doing our thing. Days that followed it happened.While at G4 i met this other guy.We lived on the same street while still at primary school.He's also in to muzic.I've seen him on T.V a coupla days back.He's been nominated for the Idols something something. So me and Gab had a thing going.You know how girls are now! When they encountered something that intices them,they wanna talk about to anyone who cared to listen.So i told this girl i'm working with.

We were on the phone daily with Gab,especially that he called me with through the toll free number,so we will be on the phone like most part of the day.And everytime i made him say hi to this girl i was working with.Gab is a people's person too so i didn't careless when they talked whatever with this girl. Gab was doing an advert for one company so i had to help him get his cheque from them.That time i had to go on study leave so i trusted this girl with him.She continued helping him out to email the company he was doing an ad for.I left for two weeks' study leave.

A coupla days when i was back from study leave,i wanted to send an sms i gues,and i can't remember what had happened to my phone,but i remember asking that girl to borrow me her phone.I put my sim card in...and gues what!

The phone was these latest ones that auto-archive so all the girl's messges(inbox & outbox) appeared on the phone.All her messages with Gab.....

You want me to go on?...no! i won't! She doesn't know that i found out about her and Gab.Did i comfront Gabby? Yah..i did.He said that girl is not his type! Can you believe that? What about the messages now? He keeps quiet! Mmmh! Men! What is it they want?

We are still in good terms with the girl.I call her my friend.We go out to lunch together.She still thinks that Edwin and i are still together.She asks about him everyday.She even asked about the other guy i've met some weeks ago.Well..i know my boundries now.

I gues now you know why i can never trust a woman right? The only ones i trust is my mum and i.If i had proof that God is a woman,gues i'll trust her too.....

And Then They Were Gone-The Dreams

Competition:Miss Freshers Ball 2001
Location: Tonota College Of Education



Phase One:

I can't contain myself when leaving the GICC premises at the Grand Palm.I'd made it to participate in the grand finale of the most talked about competition.Yes..that's exactly what i mean! I made it to the top 12.I'm hurrying to the bus stop to get a taxi home.I'm all smiles when i picture how my babe was gonna react to my new found breakthrough to the world where i've always wanted to be.

''You are not participating''

''What?'' i swayed to give him a you-dont-mean-that look.

''Babe what du mean?'' asking now in between sobs,the tears fast gathering and blurring my view,was starting to shake,my heart beating so fast.

''I mean exactly that! You are not taking part in that pageant! Don't you get that?'' He stood up and started pacing the house.

''But babe why?'' i'm crying now..

''Then what happens after that? If you don't win,it'll be a bonus for me,coz i'll know i'll still have you.But if you win,all those guys with money and driving flashy cars will definetly take you away from me.What will i be left with huh?''

''Babe,but we talked about this.What about the money we spent on registration and attire? Are gonna throw all that away? Just like that? Babe please don't do this to me? I've come this far,please don't?'' I'm like talking in between cries and hiccups.

''I don't wanna lose you Jane,and i know..i can feel it,that if if i let you take part in that event i'm gonna lose you.I don't wanna take that risk.My word is final.''

That night i cried myself to sleep in that couch...i coz i could clearly see my dream slipping away through my fingers...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Talent show 1997
Swaneng Hill School
The only remaining members of the Grave Faces-LG & Baby Jay




Phase Two:

The queue was very long and it was scorching hot! But from what i knew L.G and i had put together,it was worth the wait and a little patience i gues.We were all gathered at Tsholofelo Hall,opposite my favourite hang out,Tsholofelo Park.The auditions were ongoing for My African Dream 2005.Many people came over to try their luck.Some came as individuals while others came in groups.Others were in pairs like me and L.G

L.G and i met in high school.Used to take part in talent shows at school and since then we were stuck together.Originally our group comprised of four members-The Notch,L.G,Biggy and me.Yes i was the only lady.So today we here just the two of us.The other two members left because of school and all..

L.G and i were singing our single 'tryina letting go'.Gues everybod like it coz after our presentation the hall went beserk,and the applause nearly brought down the building.Two weeks down the line we were contacted to come register at Cresta Lodge.Registration fee was just P50.

I'm excited too when leaving Cresta Lodge.This time around i knew my babe was gonna lemme participate coz he knew i had the voice and he was gonna be there with me always.Mind you we had already started something at home.He had a coupla softwares in his computer that we sometimes set down at to come up with nice tunes for some songs.So he knew i got a gr8 voice.

Still,when i told him that our group has been chosen for the M.A.D competition,he dis-allowed me to go take part.He came up with all sorts of stories.All sorts of excuses.

Now,i'm sitting here,this afternoon,at this computer,leshing out at i donno who.Blaming anyone i donno.So,this is what you get out of laying your life for somebody? Honouring and respecting what the two of you share?. I dont wanna imagine how my life would have been if that guy had allowed me to enter those competitions.Maybe it would have been a better opportunity for me to express myself.To express the real me.

Now,the years have passed.The years are gone.I'm done with ever dreaming of walking down that rampage again.My beautiful legs mean nothing to me anymore.Their place belong under this demin jeans for as long as they'll live.The smile has turned into a crying smile now.The eyes are swollen and my brains have been filled with so many forgotten things. The microphone?..i don't know if i'll remember how to hold it.The lyrics i had,the beats,the rythms,the strings i've dreamt of plucking...all have gone down the drain.

I've lived somebody's life.I've lived the way somebody wanted.I've obeyed,listened to and done exactly what i was told to do.Yes...it feels gr8 to know that you belong to someone.But not like that.I don wanna belong to someone anymore.At least for now i wanna belong WITH someone.I want someone who can tell me they love what i do,and still remind me of what i should not forget.Everybody's jealous.Everybody's insecure.But....eish...it's me mann! This is me! I know what i'm doing and i know what and what not to do.

There's Phase Three...but that's a story for another day....

Reason for Today's Blues

I usually sleep with all the windows of my little cottage open.The landlady had at one point told me to never leave my windows open.But God! This side of the earth is scorching hot!.But yesterday was just another of those usual days.

In the morning i wanted something from my bag and i found it missing from where i put it the previous night.I panicked! I opened the wardrobe to check for it.I went outside.Looked around the house. Look around the yard.


Came back.Checked the drawers.Did i mention the fridge?.Yes i even looked for it in the fridge! God! Where did the bag go now?

I went outside again.The guy who stays in the next house saw me looking around and asked what was wrong.I told him.He said when he woke up early in the morning he found a purse,handlotion and a diary on the ground.I asked him for them.They were mine!

Thank God my bank cards and other important cards were there.So whoever took the bag is gonna use my lipgloss,small makeup kit,nailcutter,and my Lobello.Well..it's okay.At least somebody will use them.

But i'll miss my bag o.It was new for God's sake!

I Never Stop Wondering...

Why is it that when some people close their eyes
They see their fantacy worlds,their dreams,their whole lives before them
And when i close my eyes all i see is darkness

Why is it that when some people open their eyes
They see,before them,cars running this way and that
People passing by and beautifully created creatures flying around
But when i open my eyes all i see
Is a blurr with nothing to make out

Why do we open our eyes when the sun comes up
And why do we close them when the sun goes down
Why does the sea seem blue,and the sky dark at night
Is the water coloured blue or is there any sky at all
Why do we laugh at joy and cry at pain
And still continue to endure the two all the days that we see

Why do people wake up excited every sunday mornings,
Go to church,praise and listen to the sermons
And still have their hearts full of hatred

Why do we always look forward to hearing
Words we dont wanna hear
Talk to people we dont wanna talk to,
Expect the un-expected
And still go on to wish whatever
Happened shouldn't have happened

Life has never ceased to amaze me.I been born so many years ago.I've gone through so much,have experienced so much(so i think),I've have seen life's up's and down's.I've laughed so much,cried so much,sang too much,talked too much,danced too much...but still i feel i've done nothing.Seen nothing.Experienced nothing.Nothing at all....

It Shall Come To Pass....

.....the lyrics

....My hands are small i know
But they're not yours
They are my own
Not yours-they are my own
And i'm never broken...

Is It Something Or Someone?

I have a loving family
I have my mum
I have the kids
But most of all
I have myself
Still something is missing

I pay my own bills
I buy my own stuff
I watch my favourite movies
I listen to my favourite muzic
But still i miss something

I got a good job
That's paying enough 4 me to see it through the day
I have a good boss
And understanding colleagues
But i still feel something is amiss

I have my cousins to hang out with
I have friends @ Edumela and Blogville
I have my 10 teddies at the house
I have my recipe book to try something new
But i still feel i need something

When days pass by and nights crawl in
I wish for something that will please me
When the sun goes up and i open my eyes
To the greeting good morning
I sit and wonder if it's gonna bring anything
That will change my life for the good
And when i watch it decend to sleep in the west
And its orange rays hit my eyes from the horizon
I pray,pray more and pray again
Because i know GOD has something good in store for me

I'm not in a hurry though
Just that life get lonely and complicated sometimes
And it continues to get boring most of those times
But i know i still have to wait
Because if it's not something that i miss...
Then i gues it must be someone...

There....I Said it!

Truth be told...
Somebody once told me that truth said will set me free,so:

Just a coupla days..no! weeks ago,i met a someone.We talked a lot.About him.About me.A lot about me though...
Everyday,when i logged into the net,and i'm waiting for the mail window to open,my heart will be beating so fast i could feel it.
I'll be saying a silent prayer that, ''God,please lemme find something from him..''
He never disappointed me
Everytime i got something from him.
Matters made worse,each message will have a picture attached to it!
There was a week when i had two pictures sent to me per day for five days.

Truth is...i think i fell for this guy..!
I didn't want to admit it but i gues i did
The reason why i'm writting this is because
The last message i got from him was like,
''I think i'm gonna have to let you go Jay,
I'm getting too attached to you''
I thought it was a gr8 idea too
Coz i was already too attached to him
And i wanted to let go of him too
I thought it was gonna be that easy letting him go..
But now he's gone..like he said
And i miss him..
I miss him so much...

There!...i said it!

The Disease Is Deadly

We had a brief encounter in 2002 feb.Gues that's when Jeddah was concieved.After that i never saw him again.When he first called (sometimes in 2004) i couldn't believe my ears.Said he got the office number from my mum.How? i never knew too.

He continued calling,most importantly checking on his son.And then for a moment he stopped calling.I wasn't anxious for his calls anyway.But surprisingly,one day in 2006,dammnit! that's last year,he called:

''Hi''

''David?'' i knew his voice

''Yah,it's me''

''Long time''

''I know''

''Where have you been?''

''Around''

''Doing what?''

There's a deafening silence.

''Jane, i wanna tel you something''

''Am all ears''

3 to 4 minutes' deafening silence again.

''Are you still there?''

''I..i..i'm joining the ARV Therapy''

WHAT?''

Silence.

I'm shaking.The phone reciever falls down on to my lap.My head is spinning.I blacked out.I feel sweat running down my spine.It was at lunch time.I'm supposed to eat,but i can't.

The next morning i didn't come to work.Went straight to the HIV/AIDS testing centre.God! i told the guy everything.And then they took my blood by pricking the end of my finger.10 minutes or so later i'm called again into the little room for the results.Believe you me,before i picked up the lid from the basin,i said a little prayer.I was shaking again.I was sweating.I could feel my heart beat.

When i left that testing centre i wondered how!.I never asked.All i wanted was to know.
He called again first thing the following morning.And i told him my results.I don't even know how he's doing right now.His number is not available.

I've heard the HIV virus is much smaller than the pores on the condom,and that it can easily pass through.

One time again(sometimes in mid-2005) i went to check my mum's sister in O/town.I was with one of my cousins.We went out and i met one guy.That was on friday night.Saturday night we went out again.Drank till we dropped.Sunday morning i boardered the first bus.Nothing happened between me and the guy okay?..nothing.

Three months later one of my former school mates invited me for her kitchen party in Orapa and i told the guy that i was coming over.Okay.Fine.The kitchen party was so jam packed.It started late around 8pm.Introductions,The bitch is coming,Here comes the bride and finally it was over.

It was around 11:30pm when that guy came to pick me up.Yes..we went to his house..and YES we used a condom.
I was on leave like for three days,so he dropped me off at home in the morning.I found my cousin preparing breakfast.

''Wow,just in time for tea'' i said this opening the fridge to get milk for my tea.''How was your night?''

''Gr8! yours?''she wasn't in the mood.

''Are you sure your nite was gr8?''

''Lefhoko call me to tell you something''

''Yeah what?''

''That Jojo is HIV positive''

''WHAT?''

The milk spilt into the sink.I started shaking,sweating and trembling.I became dizzy.Supported myself with the cupboard nearby.I went into the living room.Set on one of the diningroom chairs.God! i was shaking.Everything before me became invinsible.I blacked out again.

The next morning i left for Gabz.Not even a goodbye to him.

3 months later i went to the testing centre.Life never seizes to amaze me.

I fell sick last year when i had my right fallopian tube removed.While i was admitted in hospital i had three packets of blood transfused into my body.Since then i make sure i visit the testing centre every three months.

Guys lemme tell you something.It's better knowing your status than just sitting and waiting for nothing that you don't know.Better get tested now! Me? Well i go for testing every 3 months just to make sure you know?You can never trust these people? It really feels good to know.Good luck!

T'was A Long Time Back...But I Remember

I think i was either two or three years.Gues my mum was 21 by then.I was staying with her then,in another part of town.My mum was working,selling some food(take-aways) in a caravan at some place i can't remember well now,but i remember she used to bring me all that was cooked there every nite she came home.One morning i woke up still with the fat cake in my hand,gobbled up a little,there and there.

The other event that i remember quiet well is the night when a man came to our little room(gues it's the one my mum was renting) and beat my mum up.I gues it was mama's boyfriend or anything.I remember him knocking and my mum refused to open the door.I was sleeping with my mum on the same bed.The guy went to the back and told my mum to open the window then,still mama refused.

He smashed the window and the glass fell on us,he opened and got in.By this time we were awake with mama and standing in the middle of the house.He started beating my mum real hard.Throwing her on the floor.I can't remember where i was that time but i know i was crying then.I remember he slapped me and shouted at me to keep quiet.He continued beating mama.I remember the blood from mama's nose.

Luckily somebody called the police or something because in no time i heard the police car pulling up out side.And then i remember again going inside the police station.The guy was handcuffed and was walking in front of me with just his underwear.And i remember again inside the police office mama being asked questions and the police officer writting it down.And the guy was asked next.

Then i donno what happened after that coz i never saw the guy again.But i still remember how he looked like.He was a coloured,tall and always had a serious face.

So much of my childhood memories...

Along Came Jo'

Two weeks back.It was on friday.I called Doc to see where she was.She told me that she was on her way to my other cousins place in G-west.And asked me to come over after work.

Two houses to my cousin's,there's a car packed on the sideroad,one short guy and a fat one comes from the other house walking to the packed car.The short one sees me and stops.

''Excuse me,can i please drop you off to where you going or can i have your number?''

''Thanx,but i'm almost home,just two blocks...and i don't have a phone''.(would i have given him the number if i had the phone?..don't wanna lie,i aint sure.

''Okay,can i have any landline you use?''

''I don't have any landline''

''Okay then,take my number and please call me?''

I took out a toilet tissue and wrote on there.His friend went like, ''Ai!,chomi she's just written your number on a toilet tissue,du think she'll call?''
I left.

He shouted,''hey,by the way..am Joe''

We hanged around at my cousin's...yes drinking.And then it was around past 11pm when Doc wanted to go home.We tried calling the cabs and even waited at the side road hoping to see one pass by,but we failed.

We were lost for hope now but Doc had to get home.Her husband was going some place early the next morning so she had to prepare his luggage and some other stuff he was gonna need.
''Doc,can lemme have your phone?''.Then i sent that short guy a message that we needed a car to get my cousin to her house,and that if he didnt mind we would put fuel for him.He sent back saying he was still in a meeting and that he'll holla back when he was done.

Doc is a very impatient woman so we went to the nearest hangout place.There's a club there and some coupla restuarants.Doc got a cab and we went back home.I spent the night at my cousin's.

That was on friday neh?..saturday..sunday..and then monday i went to work.I knocked off a lil late i remember.Then went home.Bathed,cooked and the watched part one of Blood Sisters(Nigerian movie).I went to sleep i gues around 9pm or so...

I was in a very deep sleep when i heard the knock on my door.It was around 10pm i gues.I thought i was dreaming but then the knock continued.Usually when i hear a knock on my door,my heart would skip and start beating so fast cause i don't usually have anybody coming to my house.I pipped thru the bedroom window.Good Lord! It was that Joe!

''And then..wena?''

''Ermm.i..i...i got the directions from your cousin Dorcas''

''What the hell are you doing here?''

''I wanted to see you...in fact..i had to see you''

Got off the bed,unlocked the kitchen door and showed him in.Two couches in the kitchen.We sat down and started talking.He told me about him running a company that has just went bankrupt and closed down.His 3 past relationships.He says he's from South Africa.Bloodshot eyes.Hitched-up shoulders.
Abeg!..people!...so this murtherf...this guy comes to my house,disturbs my sleep to tell me about all that?,doesn't he know i was going to work tomorow?.No! because he didn't know i was working.Dammnn...

''So how did you know where i leaved?''

''On friday when you sent me an sms with Dorcas' phone i was still in a meeting(inside i went like,meeting my ass,which meeting cos you said the company just went down),and then when i was thru i called Doc and she said she had gone home already.She told me she left you guys by the shops,i asked her what you were wearing and i went there to look for you,but couldn't find you.I called her yesterday and she told me the directions to your house.That's y lended here''

Shit! Doc! How many times should i tell her never to do a thing like that? She even has the tendency of giving people my number when i made it perfectly clear to her not to!

''So,gone fela mme,what brings you here?''

''I think i fell in love with you Jay,from the moment i saw you that friday i knew i had to be with you''

I stood up,opened the door,i saw the landlady seeting by her varandar oppsite my house.

''Joe,get out!''

He wanted to protest.

''I said get out!''.This time i shouted a little so that the old woman could hear.

He left without saying a word.Now wait till Dorcas comes back from Francistown!

Last nite i was there at Mafikizolo.I was with my work mates-Kgalalelo,Thabang and Portia.We left around 4am.When we got out,he was there packed outside.

He came towards when he saw me. ''Would you mind a ride home?''

''Thanx but we've already called a cab''.

There are better people i can relate my stories to...not to any Jack and Jill...

Messages From My Mail

1.At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you
Oh yeah..i know...the 3 stoogies,my mum and of course myself

2.At least 15 people in this world love you in some way
i wish i knew those

3.The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you
I believe that,she had always wanted to be in my shoes,she always wanted to know how Edwin and i are doing,she wanted Edwin..well she can have him now...

4.A simple smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,even if they don't like you
Yah...i know

5.Every night,SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to bed
...true...the 3 stoogies and my mum

6.You mean the world to someone
...and to my self too

7.If not for you,someone may not be living
You mean those 3?...oh yeah

8.You are special and unique
i been told that a million times..

9.Someone that you don't even know exists loves you
..really?....Good Lord!

10.When you make the biggest mistake ever,something good comes from it
...learning from that mistake

11.When you think the world has turned its back on you,take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world
Oh yeah...i didn't even know that

12.When you think you have no chance of getting what you want,you probably won't get it,but if you believe in yourself,probably sooner or later,you will get it.
..i believe in i-self..so much! So i'm gonna get that right?

13.Always remember the compliments you recieved.Forget about the rude remarks
...Point taken....

14.Always tell someone how you feel about them;you will feel much better when they know.
..i'll always remember that...always!

15.If you have a great friend,take time to let them know that they are great.
...you mean my mum?...i always tell her that.She's such a gr8 thing that's ever happened to me.

Is it Really True?

I was told that for me to be happy i should at least do all of the following:


1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.


Gues it's true.Afterall,after a storm, the birds sing,why shouldn't i?

Lover's Month

For the first time in...how many years?....10?...12?...yeah somewhere there,i'll be spending this time alone.Feels so sad and yet so relieving.

Valentine's day.I used to think that it's a day just like any other.Well...maybe because i had someone at the time,now that i'll be by me..i gues it's now that i realise how special it is.

When is it?...wednesday?...okay...i'll be at work in the morning till 4:30..
And then i know i'll be heading home if i ain't gonna stay here and surf the net.It's not month end as yet so probably if i have money then i'll go grab that Wimpy double bugger by myself.

I'm tired of the countless Naija movies i have.Well...still i know i'm gonna watch one of them over again.Which one?...let's see....oh yes! The Royal Palace or maybe The Holy Diamond or probably..ermmm...The Billionaire's Club.

Yes?..what?...True Love?,My Love?,Daytime Lovers?,My Destiny?,Cinderella?...i ain't gonna watch those!...nxhee!...for what?

What's Love Got To Do With it anyway?....**sob,sob,sob**blowing my nose**sneeze,sneeze**!

You think i'm crying?...truth is...yes i am.

God...! It's so hurting!

This Morning...

I couldn't help but sing along to Avril's sweet melodies:

...It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
Making me feel like i was the only one

It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as i fall
Letting me know we were donnnne!

You were everything
Everything that i wanted
We were meant to be supposed to be
But we lost it, all the memories
So close to me just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my Happy Ending....

They Ain't Mine

Pictures like these ones? Mine? God forbid oh! i can't keep pictures like these! For what?

Life's Too Precious To Waste

Sometimes i sit and wonder why i have to worry myself over some funny un-important things than just sit and worry about what the future holds for these three little creatures(who came in row).The girl wants to be a nurse,the nextt boy wants to be a soldier and another boy wishes to become a policeman.I never asked them why they wanna be that,but at least they got minds to think!

Well..it's up to them for what they wanna become.I aint got any objection to that but to wish them the best of luck....and please God....bless them..!

Ermmmm...!

You can be free like that physically,but mentally you know that you have a lot to work on.I'll be posting some of the messages from my phone,so watch this column!

Somebody somewhere once said, ''just a cup of water, please!''...that's exactly what i need right now!

The Dead End

I was waiting anxiously for Tia to come tell me all about her trip to Cape Town to meet Walter.Well ever since she came back,she's has never talked about it,and to my view,it was like she never wanted to talk about it.I was wondering what could've happened.She wasn't calling the guy these days like she used to before she went to see him.Calls coming into her phone at late nights were cut short.

After a whole lot of courage given to her i donno by who,she started telling me all about it.

''Walter lied to me Jane.I told him i don't wanna be lied to.He said he was living alone,but i found two other guys there who he said are his couzins and that they came in like three months ago.Why the fuck didn't he tell me about them when we were talking online? I was looking forward to just having him to myself and just the two of us in the house,but that never happened and i always missed him because he was always out...something to do with meeting up with business associates.What business? He never told me about it when i asked.If he's home his phone was always ringing,and he'll be giving orders to the person at the other end.''

''So what's wrong in there? I mean he's a man,and he's probably making a living down there.You got a problem with that?.C'mon girlfriend,you should be proud of him now!''

''You know sunday morning we went to Johannesburg.In fact we went Benoni,a place called modeebee.It's kinda like a maximum prison.I asked what we were going to do there.He said we were coming to check on one of the guys he used to do business with.''

''What business is it if i may ask?''

''Do you mind listening?'',Tia said to me with a raised eyebrow.''the guy in prison has got plots like in most parts of the world.Brazil,Holland,The U.K,America,and so on.If you see that guy you won't believe what i was told he did.Ohh God! he's Godammn cute!''

''what did he doooo Tia say it!'', i insisted.

''i was told he got caught at one of the airports trying to cross with some drugs''.The drugs were hidden inside his stomach! Can you believe that? I was so scared when i heard that and then i started wondering what kinda person Walter is.''

''I used to do that myself,'' Walter told Tia on their way back. ''but i figured out there ain't enough money from that business and i quit and switched on to something else.''

''soo what do you do now?'' Tia asked.

''Last week the police came to my house and they searched every where''.

''Why?''

''Well apparently,somebody told them i'm involved in the Nigeria 419 thing,so they searched my house and took my laptop,my business phone and my last R30 000 i had in the house''.

''Why du keep that kinda money inside the house? Why not open an account and lorge it in there?''

''It's difficult to open bank account in South Africa,especially if you are foreigner''

''Oh! Really? Okay.But...wena are you involved with the 419 thing?''

Walter gave a foxy laugh.The topic was never talked about it again.

''So what are you planning to do now girlfriend?''

''Who? me? You think i'm going back to that guy? God forbid oh! I aint going back there.You know i was always scared that something might come up while i was still there.Like maybe the police will come again.And Walter has got so many shops there,where does he get the money to open such kind of shops and as many as they are? Ah-ah! i aint going back to him now! Tufia kwa!''

''Did you tell him that?''

''Tell him what? He'll see the writing on the wall.I can't live with that kind of person''.

''Mmh! i gues i believe you.You know Eddy used to tell me about Nigerians and how dangerous they are.He doesn't really like them,especially those from the Ibu tribe.Yoruba i hear they are better,but well they are all Nigerians,there's no difference!...But you guys did had 'fun' right?''

''Oh you mean the sex? Of course now.He's way too good.He's got a sexy circumcised dick that worked wonders.But still i aint going back.Whatever we had,we had.''

''You know Tia nna i aint got anything to say to that.That's your sole decision to make,and i hope that's what you want.I hope one day you won't come running and talking shit coz still i wont have anything to say to you then like now.''

''I've made up my mind Jane,that guy is dangerous.Even in just the way he talks on the phone.He'll be making this scary faces.Ah-ah!''

''okay...okay''

''how about Edwin? Have you talked to him lately?''

''Edwin and i are talking.things will be fine i gues.''

''let them be fine oh.You been mourning him for way too long now.''

The Moral Of The Story

Slamming the domitory door behind me,i went to my bed,dropped my books on there and sat down.The silence was so deafning,like you could hear the sound of a pin falling.

''So how long are you gonna go on like that? huh?...blaming yourself for something you got no control over?...did you have any idea that we are gonna write the test tomorow?...did you have the idea that you won't be able to go Cape Town tomorrow?...c'mon Tia! don't be mad at your self for this..please!''

She pipped through her sheets to look at me.I gave her an understanding look.''Don't even start with me Jane,i didn't bother you like this when you got roudy with Edwin.So please just live me alone okay?'', she abruptly covered herself again with the sheets.

''This is not about me and Edwin okay Tia?,i softly said, ''It's about you and that Walter guy.So get a life girl and face it! Don't even try and hide behind what went on between me and Edwin.Your case is way too different okay?''

After a very long while,''Do you remember when you had a fight with Edwin?'',she said this still under the sheets, ''after he found out about your kids you hid from him? Do you remember how you spent all those days not going for lectures and all? That's exactly how am feeling right now.I feel like....I feel like just dying you know Jane?...Good God! why is this happeneing to me? Oooooh!''

''Look! stop saying that and let's think of what to do make your Walter guy understand okay? lets think of that now before it's too late.''

We went to the computer lab to send Walter another email bcause i told Tia that the only way is to write him and tell him that She'll come the following weekend.Just to make him see that sometimes there things we cannot control.That sometimes we just have to live with whatever comes our way.We were just goinno try that,coz i never tried to talk with Edwin after our ordeal and it felt so bad i didn't want Tia to go through that as i knew how it felt.

Daddy Please:

You donno what you are doing to me when you behave like that.The fact that i wont be able to come just kills me inside and to see you do that to me kills me even more.How was to know that there's gonna be a test coming? why cant you see that i didnt know? why are you doing that to me? You want me to believe what? that every time we are supposed to meet somethings comes up? shud i believe that maybe God doesnt want us to meet? that whatever we want to do is not rite? that we shud call it off? i cant do that because i've already given my heart to you.

i know that things like this do come up in a relationship and in a way God is testing our patience,whether we'll be able to wait for one another.What's so difficult in waiting for me? i've waited for you for as long as i can remember.Why cant you do that? And not think that i dont wanna see you.That i'm doing this deliberately.I am waiting to see you Walter and i wish you cud do that too.

Anyway...my love for you is as true as the colour of my skin...and i know in God's eyes i'm doing the rite thing in telling you everything that i feel is rite.Hope you cud do that too.

Sorry i cant call coz i dont have enough airtime,but i'll call you sometime.

Bye

Chii! jare,that was something! If that bloody Nigerian guy won't call my roommate, then i'm gonna tell her to just let it go because i could just see how crazy she was about the guy.It reminded me of the first times we used to talk with Edwin.I will be there all day,glued to the computer and not wanting to move.We were always online and if i didn't see him there i'll be so damn frustrated i would become moody.Well that was that in those good old days gone by.

After a couppla hours, Walter called Tia and they talked.They agreed that Tia come the following week friday.''This time no buts,i want you down here okay?'' Walter said to Tia.

God's gr8!

I cant seem to stop thanking this 'guy' everyday that i see.He seems to do things in a way we don't usually get to take time to digest and see what he really wanna say to us.

I usually say that i understand when God wants to show us some way,but today!...just today.I realised He wants to say something to me.He wants to show me something.I've heard Dear Lord,and i've seen the way!

Talking about the call i recieved last nite-around...say 01:15am.

Okay.....

The 3 Stoogies

When i look at the way they play with others
The way they concentrate on t.v
The way Jeddah and Jnr pay attention
When Vicky shows them how to write their names
I can see that my 3 stoogies are goinno excell at school

Well i aint counting the chicks as yet, but it
Gives me a smile everytime i look at them trying to play school
Vicky being the teacher
Recently i bought each one of them a school bag,pencil,rubber,cryons,sharpener and a book
And they are using them wisely
They know that a tree should be coloured green
And a cow should be coloured either brown or black and all the rest

Sometimes i wish they could have also inherited their fathers' intelligence
(sorry to a lot of people,but i have to bring this one in)
Vicky's dad is a software engineer
Jnr's dad is a civil engineer
Jeddah's dad is a science teacher
If they can have those brains together with mine
I'll know my kids will go somewhere
I'll know that education will take them somewhere

Oooops! i just remembered that
I have to take that film,of pictures of them i took over xmas,
To the studio for development
Can't wait to see them pictures
The pictures of my 3 little stoogies...

The Story Without A Moral

Using my access card through the varsity library main entrance, i hurried past the security guard saying my hi's along the hallway.I was meeting Tiane at 2 o'clock at our usual corner to revise for the test we were writting tomorow, and i was already 30 minutes late.Tia is very good at keeping time and i'm very bad at that.Anyway it didn't bother me because i knew if she's there already,she'll probably be chatting to that Nigerian guy she met online a coupla months back.

''Oh! Shit! I'm sorry i kept you waiting'', i said this putting my books on the table without looking at her. ''I had to drop Lonah's domitory key on my way.She-!'',i turned to look at Tia who had her eyes soaked with tears.

''Tia? Are you alright?''

She almost shouted at me, ''do i look alright to you? do i?...Oh! Jane'', she sobbed, ''i did it again,i scrued it up again''

''What Tia? What have you done again?''

''U know that i'm supposed to go meet Walter in Cape Town tomorow right? But now the test,Oh! God! no''. She buried her head in her hands and started crying.

''Tia...Good Lord,stop crying.'' I looked around to see if anybody was watching, ''there are people here studying,'' I whispered.
After a little while i said, ''we'll sort something out okay,stop crying.we'll send him an email to tell him why you can't make it okay girlfriend? c'mon now,pull yourself together will yah?'' I reassured her while stroking her back.

I introduced Tiane to edumela.com some months ago and since chatting with Walter she has been hooked to the thing as though her whole life depended on it.Walter is one Nigerian guy reciding in Cape Town and he and Tia had been planning to meet on several occassions and verytime Tia has to go something crops up.This even reminded me of the first time i went J'burg to meet Edwin.I was supposed to go on a friday,but postponed the journey to the following day saturday.Edwin was so cross and i felt pity for him when he told me that he spent the whole night waiting for me.I believed him coz his eyes were wary red from lack of enough sleep.

I was also supposed to see him off to Cape Town on that April day but couldn't make it.It was the 1st of that month and he even thought i was playing him April fool! Dammnit,my bag got snatched some days before and all my documents were in there including my passport so i couldn't go! Anyhow shaa!,for Tia it was suprising because everytime that something cropping up,happened to do that at the last minute.Tia was supposed to go tomorow.The lecturer just told us this morning that we have a test tomorow morning,he even apologised for telling us this late,said he forgot,and Tia cannot miss it because it's an assessment test.And if she missed it she'll have to re-sit the same course the following year.

Cape Town.I've heard from Edwin that it's a nice place.I was jealous that Tia was going Cape Town,not jealous because she's goinno meet Walter,but that she's going Cape Town and Edwin had promised to take me there sometime,but now that we are no more i'll have to save more money to get my own black ass down there.

I asked Tia to wipe her tears and get down to emailing Walter.

Eish Daddy,
I'm just from class now and the lecturer has just told us that we have an assessment test tomorow..I'll come over next week Friday.If you really love me like you say you do you'll let me write this test.I know i always tell you that am coming and then i give you a last minute shit! i know its hurting babe but if i dont write this test i'll be doomed.

I aint coming up with stories babe these bloody lecturer just told us now.Pliiiiiiiiizzzzz! I'm begging you babe please understand.Next week i wont say any excuse.I know how you feel.I know how prepared you were to meet me.

I cant wait to see you too.Just that when something like this comes up i have to abide u know.I love you Walter.Not even change of plans affect the way i feel about you.Hope you'll undestand that i HAVE to write the test.

My heart bleeds too that i was goinno see you for the first time.Please lets make it next week friday?

I love you and i hope you'll bear with me and not think otherwise.I want to see you.I want to hold you and tell you how much you mean to me.I want to whisper in your ear and let you know that without you life just aint a word with a meaning.I wanna do with you all those things we talked about.I wanna watch the stars with you at night,eat with you on the same plate,listen to our favourite song,watch our favourite movie(Nigerian movie),go with you to a club,dance with you,have that drink and hurry home to make passionate love.I still want to do that with you.We are still gonna do that when i come over next week friday!

I was hurt too when the lecturer told us that we have a test coming.I thot he was gonna say it will be at a later date.Only to find that its tomorow! Good Lord! i had an appointment with you tomorow!.

Love
Mummy.

Oh! my God! Sometimes i become so damn envious.Tia calls Walter daddy and Walter calls Tia mummy.These two are so much in love.
Tia kept on clicking her inbox for the reply and looking at her phone waiting anxiously for a call.

''Goddammnnit Tia! Let's concentrate please!. The sucker will call if the need be or email back.We got a tes-''

Tia's phone rang.It was him.

''hello?''

''You know what? I'll tell you when to come over okay? Don't ever tell me that you are coming''

''Babe please don't do that.Try and understand.I-''

''I have cancelled all my appointments knowing very well that you are coming.So what am i gonna do tomorow? How long should i go on with this? Everytime you have to come over,you tell me this has done that.You want me to believe that crap again?''

''I'm really sorry babe.I really am.I didn't-''

''I've heard that several times.Bye.''

Tia looked into thin air like she's seen a ghost. ''What is it dammnit? What did he say?''

She slowly turned her head to look at me,with tears gathering at full speed in her eyes.

''He hung up on me''

After a while,10 minutes or so,i said, ''Aaagg!,c'mon let's study.Let him go rot in hell.Nigerian boy my ass! Who the fuck does he think he is? Let him go flash his worn-out ass down the drain and leave us to study!''

''You don't understand you know that Jane? You don't understand''. She gathered her books quickly and stormed out of the library without saying a word.

''Tia!'', i whispered, ''Tia come back,Tia! We have work to do! Tia! Oh! Shit!, i followed suite!

The Little Cottage At The Back

I love this little room
All my deepest sorrows are buried in it
It's the only place that understands when i want to be alone
When i want my space,when i long for peace
I get all of that in abundance inside this little room

It's so small but it's big enough for me
In it i find solace and i am able to think my things over
Without unwanted and uninvited intruders bugging in
The only people who understand that sometimes i don't want to
Be disturbed when i've closed this little cottage's door
Are the people renting in the same compound
Only those people understand that,especially my aunt and her two kids
They gimme all the space i need
But people like I.T,Victor,Dorcas,Edwin,Hedges and all the rest don't understand that
They don't wanna see that i don't wanna be nagged

I.T and Victor with their endless visits and their endless preaching that
That i'm not supposed to lock myself in the house like that
Who are they to tell me what to do and what not
Edwin and the others with their constent phone calls
Sometimes i just look at the phone and decide not to pick up,sometimes i do
Goddammnit! i have the t.v and the radio to play if i want some noice

And i have this little cottage too to gimme all the comfort
They think and claim to know that i need
Sometimes i feel like moving from this compound to find a place
Where nobody will find me
Sometimes i even think of changing my number-but this one i will
But again this little cottage is affordable in terms of rental
And my furniture inside is so seductively laid out
I love the mangoe trees grown at the back
They gimme the kinda sound from the branches,
Moving back and forth,that soothes my soul

When its hot lik ethis time of the year,the shadows coming thru
The back windows cools it down and i'm able to
Sleep like i've never done before
This little cottage situated at the back of the yard
Holds so many fond memories of my life as a single-independent woman
Most of them are from 2005 and a little bit of them from 2006 end
That is why everywhere i go,everywhere i am
Everything i do in every word i say
My heart,mind,body and soul are always in here
When i put the key thru the door and walk right in
It's like i'm walking right into my life
Coz inside this little cottage i see the person i was before
And the person i am at the moment

I thank you my God..for the little cottage at the back...!

A Ray Of Hope

Somebody once told me that just say,
''My name is Jane,i have 3 kids,take it or fuck off''
Well...this time around i said exactly that and...
Good God! It has never felt this easy,and i've never felt this relieved
I said to myself, ''This is what i should have said from the onset!''

And then he went like, ''where is their father?''
A nagging sound at the back of my mind was going,
''Stick to the truth Jane,stick to the truth''
''Well each one of them has got its own father,but the fathers are no more,
they never stay do they?''
''Wow! Great! then can i be their father?''
Inside i was like, ''what?,God help me o!''

And then.....

The Year Ahead...!

The year that was,has just passed
And another one has just begun
Meaning that i'm gonna grow another year older
That calls for more responsibilities and more maturity
No more no's when you meant yes
Taking things slow and thinking before saying a thing..

I have made my decisions the way i hope they'll work for me this year
I don't wanna hurt anyone, i don't wanna be hurt
I've loved once,i'll never love again the same way
Well i might,but it's not gonna be the same
Oh yeah!..i wanna get my driver's licence this year

I wanna save more and get my mum a camera phone end of the year
I'm gonna help her finish that house she's started building
I'm not gonna buy furniture on credit
I'm gonna buy Vicky,Jeddah & Juniour clothes every month
so that i won't need to buy end of the year-my mum too!
Kgomotso,my neighbour,is pregnant,well i'll get her smth-and the baby too!
I'm gonna open bank accounts for the kids this year-P50/mnth will do!

D.K, yes grandma.I'll make sure i see her at least twice b4 year end
She's fine but she keeps forgetting things
It hurt when she asked me who Vicky was!
There's gonna be more socialising and less drinking
I'll let Doc know that i wanna focus on my future with the kids more
She'll have to overstand even though she doesn't have kids herself-God! at 32!
Well we talked about it and i adviced her that this year she has to see a doctor

There'll just be too much to do this year
And those are my resolutions for the year ahead....

The Time Was Now...

It was hard doing what i had to do...but i had to do it!

Marriage..one hell of an Institution...or is it not?

When my mum got married to this guy i didn't like it! I even told her myself.I didn't like this guy.He made my mum go through a lot with his clear and obvious infidelity.He took my mum's love away from me.The love i was showered with for the whole of my first fifteen years.This guy just appeared from the middle of no where and took that away from me!

But my mum cared for him still.We moved to his place in 1994.My mum was transfered to Serowe then from Palapye to work at Furniture Mart.I got my transfer too from Orapa where i was staying with my mum's sister.

We were coming there to stay as a complete family.He came with his son too.Omphile who was one year younger than me.Well the truth is i was told that this guy is my true biological father.We went for a DNA test and they proved that we are both Blood Group O Positive.I hated him so much i even wished in those specimens(if there's a word like that) there were some things that could show we are both O but different somehow.I was told that he ran away when my mother told him that she was pregnant with me.Came back after 15 solid years!

It was fine at first.At least i could also have something to say when people talked about their fathers.But when he started abusing me i started wishing he was dead.I wished i could kill him.I didn't call him dad or father.I didn't know what to call him.When i told my mum that her husband has got a tendency of getting in the bathroom when i'm bathing,my mum would not believe it! She was always taking his side.My mum knocked off at 17:30pm,i left school at 16:00pm and the guy knocked off at 16:30pm.He'll rush to come pick me up at school.I wasn't involved in any sport at school bcoz by exactly 16:00pm he'll be parked at the gate.

He made my life a living hell and all this time i could say nothing to my mum bcoz she would not believe me.Is that how it should be in this institution? You don't have a say in whatever your husband is doing? Even if he multreats your kids you don't say a thing? Why? Because you love him? Can you love your husband more than your kids? If he is a stepdad are you supposed to always take his side? Aaaggg! Mannn! That's bullshit! That's why i don't think i'll ever get somebody for my kids to call their dad.Somebody who'll pretend that he loves them after he marries me he shows his true colours! If it's like that then marriage sucks!

But I almost did it! Rogy proposed on my 24th birthday.Gave me a gold band on the 17th of June 2004.Lol...i donno who bought it now because i sold it like last year to one Indian Jewellery Shop in the Main Mall.Edwin and i talked about getting married until he knew about my other two kids that i had kept away from him.I also remember that my ex,Ernest,who had dreadlocks, used to say that the dagga he used to take meant a lot to him because the name carried two full meanings he treasured so much! He said the word 'marijuana' sounded like Mary and Jane-my mum's name and mine.And then again the word marijuana is like it's saying marry Jane-meaning that he should marry me! WEll i ain't interested in the marriage thing anymore.I gues it's gonna take a bold guy to convince me otherwise!

On the 17th of February 2002 they(my mum and the guy) had a heated quarrell with and he ended up stabbing my mum with a knife below the left breast,by the heart.I gues he wanted to kill her coz at his work he was doing post mortem to dead people so he knew where to stab my mum to end her life.But God is always there.And He was watching.It wasn't my mum's time i gues.

Two weeks down the line he fell sick and died.Of course i didn't cry.When my aunt called to tell me about it i was like, ''is it?'' Another part of me said, ''your mum is out of it now'' and the other said, 'you have your mum's love back!''

I had 3 chances at getting married,and it never happened.The gold ring that Rogy gave me had 3 diamonds on it.I could have been a teacher,an accountant or a PR, 3 posts i gave away just like that.I have 3 kids i adore so much.Fuck! what's with the number 3?! oh! shit! Dammnnit! i even had the operation on the 3rd!

Hallellujah

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music,do ya?

It goes like this the 4th the 5th
The minor fall The major lift
The baffled King composing hallellujah

**hallellujah,hallellujah** x2

Baby i been here before,
I know this room
I've walked this floor
I used to live here alone
Before i knew you
I've seen your flag,
On a marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallellujah

**hallellujah,hallellujah** x2

All i ever learned from love
Is how to shoot at someone,
Who outdrew you
And it's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallellujah

**hallellujah,hallellujah** x2

(soundtrack to Shrek 1-it really does it for me)

Everyday...and everynight..!

Psalm 91:

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
Who abides in the shadow of the Almighty
Will say to the Lord,
''My refuge and my fortress: my God in whom i trust''
For he will deliver you from the share of the fowler:
And from the deadly pestilence:
He will cover you with his pinions.

And under his wings you will find refuge:
His faithfullness is a shield and buckler.
You will not fear the terror of the night,
Nor the flies by day,
Nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
Nor the destruction on that wastes at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
Ten thousands at your right hand:
But it will not come near you
You will only look with your eyes:
And see the recompense of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord your refuge,
The Most High your habitation.
No evil shall befall you,
No scourge come near your tent

For he will give his angel charge of you
To guard you in all your ways
On their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the adder,
The young lion and the serpent you will trample under foot.

Because he cleaves to me in love,
I will deliver him,
I will protect him,
Because he knows my name.
Whe he calls to me,
I will answer him:
I will be with him in trouble,
I will rescue him and honour him.
With long life i will satisfy him,
And show him my salvation.
Amen.

Psalm 121:

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From whence does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved.
He who keeps you will not slumber
Behold,he who keeps Israel,
Will neither slumber nor sleep

The Lord is your keeper
The Lord is your shade on your right hand
The sun shall not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil,
He will keep your life
The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and for ever more
Amen.

Some people are so so.....!

''Hi! Pamela,how are you?''

''Oh! Alex,am fine,and you?''

''Am fine too,i missed you?''

''Oh!..Alex!''

''Look,Pam meet me at Millenium Park,at 16:30pm,usual place okay?''

''Alex please!...I...I...I can't''

''I'll be waiting for you.Millenium Park,16:30pm..i'll wait for you,if you don't show up,i'll sleep there,i've done that before,i'll do it again!''

Once written,it's written!

It hurt me so bad.I only came to know this only on saturday.Why now?

I know i was the most intelligent student when i started school at kindergarten.I remember when we opened schools for the first time we were asked to count up to hundred.We started together as a class but when we came to 20 i was the only one left counting alone until i came to hundred.God is my witness i didnt know where all those numbers came from,every number was coming out so swiftly i didnt need time to think which number is next.

When i was doing standard one,i remember being summoned to a standard 5 class and was asked to tell the students(4 years older than me) how to pronounce bird, bad and bed.I was talked about in all the schools i attended, Tawana Nursery School,Mogapinyana Primary School,Bathoen House,Orapa Community Juniour Secondary School,Metsimasweu Juniour Secondary School,Swaneng Hill School and the UB.

What's hurting me now is i only learnt last weekend that when i finished my nursery schooling i was nominated by the De Beers Company(also called Deswana Company-the biggest company this country has ever had,that produces diamonds and brings a huge sum of foreign exchange into the country) to sponsor me to attend my primary level at Livingstone House.It's hurting and it still does,i know i can't turn back the hands of time but i'm mourning over it because Livingstone House is one of the best schools in our country that produces the best students.I hear that one of my teachers at nursery-i had 3 teachers who took us in turns,told the management that they cannot take me because i was too intelligent and she feared that i will go mad if i was to be allowed to attend school at Livingstone!

I'm gonna ask my mum if she knows anything about this!

Good Old Days Gone By

These are the pictures that these little people will see when D.K is gone,because i don't think she'll still be around when the reach their teens.But at least they will have something to show that at one point in their lives they had had a memorable chance to get some pictures with her.

But again i am afraid for Vicky,it's like she's gonna grow up into a tomboy because she's always surrounded by boys.Others tell me that it'll help her not to like boys coz she' s just gonna take them as her friends as she grew up around them..well i donno..maybe and maybe not.She's pictured on the other photo with Juniour,Tevin and Jeddah.On the other pictures they are with D.K,Jeddah on her lap.

She'll be missed...so much...we miss her already,but she's still here you know?.Right now she's in Kgagodi,the little village where some of us were bred and grew up.She's with my aunt-Motlhatswi,her last born daughter.

In many years to come D.K will be thought about,talked about,sung about and praised because she is a woman with a pure heart.She's one person who likes talking out something thats bothering her.She cant keep it to herself-one reason why i wished i was like her.The other time that i dont really wanna think about was the look i saw in her eyes at my dad's funeral when my mum's in-laws were doing as they pleasd to us,the things they said,tantrums they threw...and what pisses me off right now is they wanna pretend it has passed but they don't really know how hurting i still am,and i still plan a revenge on them,i know what i'll do and i know then,they are gonna see that they ain't the only living beings on earth.Enuff about that!

I love you D.K, God knows i do.And i'll always will....

Summer is here,Winter is gone

Summer's....

...when you can wear anything you want,bare back or cover up,or better still,show that navel-ring..
...when you can go anywhere you want,with anyone who dares,and anyone who cares..
...anytime of the day,while the sun shines,you make hay..
...when you can drink anything that'll pass through,without choking..
...anytime of the night..with everyone around..
...when you let your mind,body and soul go free..
...because everything's free..
...i love summer,when the sun sets,cows starting to moo,and the horizon being painted red..
...everything gets back to normal,you'll feel like letting your hands float and fly above the sky..
...i love summer,everything runs so smooth,music soothes every soul..

..yes...i love summer!

Winter's....

...very cold,makes us shiver,teeth tatter,talk in stammer..
...others choose to stay home..
...but others can't,when work comes calling..
...i hate winter,yes..i do..
...especially when i have to explain why i didn't wash the shirts in the washen basket..
...when i have to tell that my hands couldn't stand the feel of cold water..
...how about the dishes in the sink?..
...the tap couldn't run,winter froze inside..
...we can't do anything we want in winter..
..winter please go...

..Oooops!...it's gone...shuu!

...but the Wisdom stays the same

Name: Dikeledi B Koko
Born: xx/xx/1927

Ever since she was born,ever since she came into this world,she had known only one guy,she had kissed only one guy,she had slept with only one guy,she had been faith full to only one guy,she had looked at only one guy the way a woman should look at her man,and she has never looked at any man the same way.

When we had kids,us,her grandchildren,she had always told us that,that should be the only man we ever be with,but it has never happened that way,how i wish i had been like her! But this are the changing times and we aint living in her era.Her husband-my grandfather,died in June 1996.He was called Baitshentse Segwabe Koko(1917-1996).If i had had a camera by then i would have put up his picture for you guys to see.This was a couple made in heaven.

She's sick now,suffered a stroke in 2001.Now her left side aint working.But you know old ladies,they won't rest even though they know they have to.You tell them to sit down and rest,they tell you they want their work done the right way! What right way? Aaag! D.K!

Yah we call her D.K.She doesn't mind though.She has become more like a friend to us than our grandma.But still not forgetting to keep on instilling that wisdom in us,everytime she gets the chance.She was there when i had Vicky,she was there when i had Juniour and was still there when i had Jeddah.Every step of the way telling me to always treasure the will of God as everything happens for a reason.''you are an only child to your mother Seane and these are your little brothers and sister''.everytime she would say that.

The hardest blow the family couldn't take was when she suffered this stroke.She couldn't hold anything right,everytime she did,that thing will fall down.At first we took it for joke,because everytime she tried to stay still she'll keep on shaking and we would laugh at that,but now it hurts to see her do that! There was an instant when she couldn't talk properly,she would talk like a little baby trying to learn how to talk.She would not take hot or warm food,they had to cool first.

I hear she gave birth to 12 kids,now there's only 7 left.There were two pairs of twins and one guy who was the first born-Kenalemotse.He died in 1980 when i was born,but the twins died immediately they were born,she has never kept twins and she concluded that maybe twins were not meant to in our family coz my other cousin called Osetse also had a twin sister who died at birth,but she chose to stay behind,hence the meaning of the name.So in our family there are no twins.Now she's only left with her 5 daughters and 2 sons.

Jimmy Koko
Josephine Kgotlaetsho(married)
Hildah Segwabe(thats our other surname)
Isaih Koko
Mary Molefhe(thats my mum,she got married,even though the husband is late now)
Judith Segwabe
Motlhatswi Koko

Oh D.K! You have accomplished so much! I thank God to have a granny like you bcoz you are not like any other!