A Bitter Pill To Swallow

This is Jeddah.He'll be 5 this coming November 4.

He is the sweetest kid i've ever known.He loves watching WWE and his favourite is John Cena.I recently bought him aT-shirt imprinted his idol on it,and i remember he wore it to bed that night.

Of the three he seems like he's the older one,but he's the youngest.The things he says,the way he watches out for Vicky and Jnr.I donno...this guy scares me sometimes....

The year is 2003,January.I had been suffering from constant headches for the past coupla months.I had,at one point,thought it could be migraines.I tried drinking a lotta water,but it didn't help.I wanted to tell Rogers(Jnr's dad) what was bothering me,but i couldn't.He worried too much about my headache.Everytime when we went to buy grocery,he never forgot the headache pills.He will buy them in bulk(10 satchets max)-either grandpa or panado.The headache precceded....

Then,i gues i coudn't take it anymore.I wanted to stop taking those pills,coz i knew what was wrong with me.I wanted to stop thinking.I wanted everything to get back to normal.I wanted to take part in playing with the kids on saturdays.I wanted to take pictures of them when we went out.I wanted to start teaching Vicky how to write her name...she was well going into 4...

One saturday morning,it wasn't very cold outside.Like always Rogers was with the kids in their room,playing with their toys.I was sleeping in our bedroom.Not sleeping really.Thinking,thinking and thinking some more.Then he came inside the room.

''The kids are asking for you in their room''

''What is wrong Rogy? i wanna sleep ah-ah! please leave me alone will you?''

''Jane what is wrong ne mma?''

''NOTHING!!''

''Wouw! don't shout! You been like this for the past 12 months Jane,what is really wrong?''

''I said nothing!''

''I'm not gonna leave this room unless you tell me whats bugging you,i cannot go on like this when you don't talk to me''

''Batho! i said there's nothing wrong with me,can't you understand that?''

''You are shouting too much,there's definitely something wrong with you and you are goinno tell me right now!''

Oh my God! I turned to look at him for the first time since he entered the room.He was shaking.When Rogy shook like that i always knew he meant business.That inner voice came again..''tell him Jane,tell him and get this over and done with''.

I started crying.Well i didn't wanna cry.I just wanted to look him in the eyes and plead with him to believe every word that iwas goinno tell him then.But when i looked at him,the tears came pouring down.I tried to stop them,but they just came pouring down like that.Non-stop.I felt very sorry for him.I looked at his innocent face.I hated myself then..He came very closer to me and held me close to him.That made things worse. ''stop crying right now Jane and tell him!''..the inner voice again...

When he let go of me,i couldn't bring myself to even look at his face.This guy had done so much for me.He was good with the kids too.He always looked forward to knocking off at work and going home to them.He taught them well.I remember a time when i found Jnr crying and when i asked what happened,i was told his father nearly killed him because he(Jnr) pushed Jeddah,and Jeddah fell hurting his forehead.Oh yeah we nearly fought,me and him,that night.

He even abandend his family to be with me.When his mother disowned him,i promised to be his mother,i promised to always be there for him.Now i knew that what i was goinno tell him then,was goinno change everything.Everything.

''It's Jeddah!''

''Yes? what about him?''

Say it Jane! Dammnit! tell him!..

''He's not....he's not yours!''

He let go of me,walked silently outta the room.