The Aftermath

I couldn't sleep the previous night.So many things were going on in my mind.But the main thing that was going on in my mind was what might be happening at the house i used to call my own.I'm still sleeping at 11am.My aunt had gone to work.Her first born too.And the other two had gone to school.So i'm alone in the house.I smiled coz i knew i was gonna be alone for the rest of the day.And it was gonna be like that for the next 7 days or so coz i was on study leave.

I was about to catch another nap when i heard a knock at the door.I dragged my feet outtta the bed and went to open the door.God! Please! Not now!..

''And then?''

''Can we talk?''

''About?''

After what seemed like ages he went, ''Jane,i'm sorry!''

''For what?''

''For yesterday.I didn't want it to be that way.I didn't plan it that way''

''Haa! So you planned that? Aaag! why am i even talking to you? Please leave!''

I closed the door and he quickly put his foot on the doorway. ''Jane,please hear me out!''

I showed him in.

''I've made the biggest mistake of my life by treating you like that.I was hurt okay.I wanted you to feel my pain.But now i realise i shouldn't have done that.Please forgive me?''

''Where is she right now?''

''She's at the house.I don't wanna see that girl anymore.She's refusing to leave my house.I want us to work it out Jane.Please.I cannot live without you.I just can't.

I'm looking at this guy and inside i'm going,''your house alright you surker! think i'm listening to you? after making a fool out of me you come here and tell me that crap?''

''Rogy you have to leave coz i'm going out now-!''

''You seeing somebody already?''

''No! my aunt sent me to pay her bills.And i have to study coz i'm writting my exams i a week.What i think you should do is go back to your house and be with your new girlfriend.I really cannot help you in any way.Sorry neh?''

He left and i went to get my bath before starting to run around doing some errands.Believe you me,the days that followed Rogy came to my aunt's every morning,like at 8 in the morning and sometimes left at night.He even went to fill in leave days at his work and said that he wanted to clear his mind.Our break up was still new so yes i wanted him back.I still loved him oh!

But then,one night,when i was alone in the bedroom.I started thinking.Rogy comes to check on me everyday.We spend the whole days together.He leaves at night.But when he leaves,he's going to that girl.And maybe that girl doesn't know he's coming here.He admitted that when i asked him.That girl didn't know he was coming here.She just thought he was going to work.Mmh! Men! They can really play their cards.And play them real right!
I wonder why i couldn't let him go then.Why didn't i tell him that i never wanted to see him again? Why didn't i tell him to fuck off? Well..there were reasons why i couldn't let him go.

We came thus far with Rogy.We went through a lot together.He cared for me.If it wasn't for him,i wouldn't be working for this company.If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be heading for my diploma in management now.He was there for me when Ernest fucked me up and left me with a baby.He loved Vicky as his own.He disowned his family when we had Rogers Jnr because they were complaining that he is spending too much time with me.He took me back after Jeddah.He still loved me then.Maybe even more.He planned for my birthdays in advance.He ordered stuff for Valentines day way ahead of time.He appreciated me in everything i did.In everything i was.Thats why it was fine to spend those days with him.

But then i gues he lost it when he saw that i wasn't interested in getting back with him.Well i still loved him,but what he did to me then was unforgetable.So he backed off a little.I liked it coz i was having my peace,even though i missed him sometimes.I just couldn't go back to him.I even told him that everytime i see him,i see myself fighting with another woman for him! Everytime i see him,i see myself reporting myself to the police for attempted murder! I just couldn't go back to that guy.I couldn't.

Like i said,he said he was through with Tshidi then.Didn't want him anymore after that sunday night.But life again..never ceases to amaze me.After Tshidi there came another woman into his house.The woman who had always(so i thought) wanted to be in my shoes.The woman who had always wanted to be me! The woman who had always wanted to have what i got.No! it's not a woman really.It's a girl.A little girl.

While i'm still walking this earth with these my two feet,i'll live to tell the story with Lebo! You remember her right? That little girl who Rogy and i used to help with her maths homework? That little girl who used to tell me that she looks up to me as her sister!...that's the woman of the house now...

Now You Know Why Right?

It was after a whopping two months when this other girl came to join us.She wasn't working in the same office as me but the same department.Like most people may know by now,i'm a people's person but i don't have friends..you know like someone you can hang out with and go out with at the weekends.So this girl comes in after getting to know her more i came to realise that we liked the same things and we liked talking dirty together.So i be-friended her.Abeg,our friendship was confided to the office.Like i saw her in the office and after work she'll go her way and i'll take mine.

Two years down the line,i thought i knew her and i gues she thought she knew me too.We talked about everything and anything.And then the eDumela thing started.In fact she's the one who introduced me to the site.Then i met Edwin.She wanted Edwin.Always she wanted to know the people i communicate with.When i told her,i'll find out later that she's been communicating with them.It didn't affect me anyhow coz we were just making friends..you know?

One night i went to watch my couzin,Dorcas performing at one club.In fact i been going there for a while now.Every weekend she'll be there with her group.And i'll be there to back her up.I can't even forget the night when the whole world was commemmorating Bob Marley.We were there at G4 doing our thing. Days that followed it happened.While at G4 i met this other guy.We lived on the same street while still at primary school.He's also in to muzic.I've seen him on T.V a coupla days back.He's been nominated for the Idols something something. So me and Gab had a thing going.You know how girls are now! When they encountered something that intices them,they wanna talk about to anyone who cared to listen.So i told this girl i'm working with.

We were on the phone daily with Gab,especially that he called me with through the toll free number,so we will be on the phone like most part of the day.And everytime i made him say hi to this girl i was working with.Gab is a people's person too so i didn't careless when they talked whatever with this girl. Gab was doing an advert for one company so i had to help him get his cheque from them.That time i had to go on study leave so i trusted this girl with him.She continued helping him out to email the company he was doing an ad for.I left for two weeks' study leave.

A coupla days when i was back from study leave,i wanted to send an sms i gues,and i can't remember what had happened to my phone,but i remember asking that girl to borrow me her phone.I put my sim card in...and gues what!

The phone was these latest ones that auto-archive so all the girl's messges(inbox & outbox) appeared on the phone.All her messages with Gab.....

You want me to go on?...no! i won't! She doesn't know that i found out about her and Gab.Did i comfront Gabby? Yah..i did.He said that girl is not his type! Can you believe that? What about the messages now? He keeps quiet! Mmmh! Men! What is it they want?

We are still in good terms with the girl.I call her my friend.We go out to lunch together.She still thinks that Edwin and i are still together.She asks about him everyday.She even asked about the other guy i've met some weeks ago.Well..i know my boundries now.

I gues now you know why i can never trust a woman right? The only ones i trust is my mum and i.If i had proof that God is a woman,gues i'll trust her too.....

And Then They Were Gone-The Dreams

Competition:Miss Freshers Ball 2001
Location: Tonota College Of Education



Phase One:

I can't contain myself when leaving the GICC premises at the Grand Palm.I'd made it to participate in the grand finale of the most talked about competition.Yes..that's exactly what i mean! I made it to the top 12.I'm hurrying to the bus stop to get a taxi home.I'm all smiles when i picture how my babe was gonna react to my new found breakthrough to the world where i've always wanted to be.

''You are not participating''

''What?'' i swayed to give him a you-dont-mean-that look.

''Babe what du mean?'' asking now in between sobs,the tears fast gathering and blurring my view,was starting to shake,my heart beating so fast.

''I mean exactly that! You are not taking part in that pageant! Don't you get that?'' He stood up and started pacing the house.

''But babe why?'' i'm crying now..

''Then what happens after that? If you don't win,it'll be a bonus for me,coz i'll know i'll still have you.But if you win,all those guys with money and driving flashy cars will definetly take you away from me.What will i be left with huh?''

''Babe,but we talked about this.What about the money we spent on registration and attire? Are gonna throw all that away? Just like that? Babe please don't do this to me? I've come this far,please don't?'' I'm like talking in between cries and hiccups.

''I don't wanna lose you Jane,and i know..i can feel it,that if if i let you take part in that event i'm gonna lose you.I don't wanna take that risk.My word is final.''

That night i cried myself to sleep in that couch...i coz i could clearly see my dream slipping away through my fingers...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Talent show 1997
Swaneng Hill School
The only remaining members of the Grave Faces-LG & Baby Jay




Phase Two:

The queue was very long and it was scorching hot! But from what i knew L.G and i had put together,it was worth the wait and a little patience i gues.We were all gathered at Tsholofelo Hall,opposite my favourite hang out,Tsholofelo Park.The auditions were ongoing for My African Dream 2005.Many people came over to try their luck.Some came as individuals while others came in groups.Others were in pairs like me and L.G

L.G and i met in high school.Used to take part in talent shows at school and since then we were stuck together.Originally our group comprised of four members-The Notch,L.G,Biggy and me.Yes i was the only lady.So today we here just the two of us.The other two members left because of school and all..

L.G and i were singing our single 'tryina letting go'.Gues everybod like it coz after our presentation the hall went beserk,and the applause nearly brought down the building.Two weeks down the line we were contacted to come register at Cresta Lodge.Registration fee was just P50.

I'm excited too when leaving Cresta Lodge.This time around i knew my babe was gonna lemme participate coz he knew i had the voice and he was gonna be there with me always.Mind you we had already started something at home.He had a coupla softwares in his computer that we sometimes set down at to come up with nice tunes for some songs.So he knew i got a gr8 voice.

Still,when i told him that our group has been chosen for the M.A.D competition,he dis-allowed me to go take part.He came up with all sorts of stories.All sorts of excuses.

Now,i'm sitting here,this afternoon,at this computer,leshing out at i donno who.Blaming anyone i donno.So,this is what you get out of laying your life for somebody? Honouring and respecting what the two of you share?. I dont wanna imagine how my life would have been if that guy had allowed me to enter those competitions.Maybe it would have been a better opportunity for me to express myself.To express the real me.

Now,the years have passed.The years are gone.I'm done with ever dreaming of walking down that rampage again.My beautiful legs mean nothing to me anymore.Their place belong under this demin jeans for as long as they'll live.The smile has turned into a crying smile now.The eyes are swollen and my brains have been filled with so many forgotten things. The microphone?..i don't know if i'll remember how to hold it.The lyrics i had,the beats,the rythms,the strings i've dreamt of plucking...all have gone down the drain.

I've lived somebody's life.I've lived the way somebody wanted.I've obeyed,listened to and done exactly what i was told to do.Yes...it feels gr8 to know that you belong to someone.But not like that.I don wanna belong to someone anymore.At least for now i wanna belong WITH someone.I want someone who can tell me they love what i do,and still remind me of what i should not forget.Everybody's jealous.Everybody's insecure.But....eish...it's me mann! This is me! I know what i'm doing and i know what and what not to do.

There's Phase Three...but that's a story for another day....

Reason for Today's Blues

I usually sleep with all the windows of my little cottage open.The landlady had at one point told me to never leave my windows open.But God! This side of the earth is scorching hot!.But yesterday was just another of those usual days.

In the morning i wanted something from my bag and i found it missing from where i put it the previous night.I panicked! I opened the wardrobe to check for it.I went outside.Looked around the house. Look around the yard.


Came back.Checked the drawers.Did i mention the fridge?.Yes i even looked for it in the fridge! God! Where did the bag go now?

I went outside again.The guy who stays in the next house saw me looking around and asked what was wrong.I told him.He said when he woke up early in the morning he found a purse,handlotion and a diary on the ground.I asked him for them.They were mine!

Thank God my bank cards and other important cards were there.So whoever took the bag is gonna use my lipgloss,small makeup kit,nailcutter,and my Lobello.Well..it's okay.At least somebody will use them.

But i'll miss my bag o.It was new for God's sake!

I Never Stop Wondering...

Why is it that when some people close their eyes
They see their fantacy worlds,their dreams,their whole lives before them
And when i close my eyes all i see is darkness

Why is it that when some people open their eyes
They see,before them,cars running this way and that
People passing by and beautifully created creatures flying around
But when i open my eyes all i see
Is a blurr with nothing to make out

Why do we open our eyes when the sun comes up
And why do we close them when the sun goes down
Why does the sea seem blue,and the sky dark at night
Is the water coloured blue or is there any sky at all
Why do we laugh at joy and cry at pain
And still continue to endure the two all the days that we see

Why do people wake up excited every sunday mornings,
Go to church,praise and listen to the sermons
And still have their hearts full of hatred

Why do we always look forward to hearing
Words we dont wanna hear
Talk to people we dont wanna talk to,
Expect the un-expected
And still go on to wish whatever
Happened shouldn't have happened

Life has never ceased to amaze me.I been born so many years ago.I've gone through so much,have experienced so much(so i think),I've have seen life's up's and down's.I've laughed so much,cried so much,sang too much,talked too much,danced too much...but still i feel i've done nothing.Seen nothing.Experienced nothing.Nothing at all....

It Shall Come To Pass....

.....the lyrics

....My hands are small i know
But they're not yours
They are my own
Not yours-they are my own
And i'm never broken...

Is It Something Or Someone?

I have a loving family
I have my mum
I have the kids
But most of all
I have myself
Still something is missing

I pay my own bills
I buy my own stuff
I watch my favourite movies
I listen to my favourite muzic
But still i miss something

I got a good job
That's paying enough 4 me to see it through the day
I have a good boss
And understanding colleagues
But i still feel something is amiss

I have my cousins to hang out with
I have friends @ Edumela and Blogville
I have my 10 teddies at the house
I have my recipe book to try something new
But i still feel i need something

When days pass by and nights crawl in
I wish for something that will please me
When the sun goes up and i open my eyes
To the greeting good morning
I sit and wonder if it's gonna bring anything
That will change my life for the good
And when i watch it decend to sleep in the west
And its orange rays hit my eyes from the horizon
I pray,pray more and pray again
Because i know GOD has something good in store for me

I'm not in a hurry though
Just that life get lonely and complicated sometimes
And it continues to get boring most of those times
But i know i still have to wait
Because if it's not something that i miss...
Then i gues it must be someone...

There....I Said it!

Truth be told...
Somebody once told me that truth said will set me free,so:

Just a coupla days..no! weeks ago,i met a someone.We talked a lot.About him.About me.A lot about me though...
Everyday,when i logged into the net,and i'm waiting for the mail window to open,my heart will be beating so fast i could feel it.
I'll be saying a silent prayer that, ''God,please lemme find something from him..''
He never disappointed me
Everytime i got something from him.
Matters made worse,each message will have a picture attached to it!
There was a week when i had two pictures sent to me per day for five days.

Truth is...i think i fell for this guy..!
I didn't want to admit it but i gues i did
The reason why i'm writting this is because
The last message i got from him was like,
''I think i'm gonna have to let you go Jay,
I'm getting too attached to you''
I thought it was a gr8 idea too
Coz i was already too attached to him
And i wanted to let go of him too
I thought it was gonna be that easy letting him go..
But now he's gone..like he said
And i miss him..
I miss him so much...

There!...i said it!

The Disease Is Deadly

We had a brief encounter in 2002 feb.Gues that's when Jeddah was concieved.After that i never saw him again.When he first called (sometimes in 2004) i couldn't believe my ears.Said he got the office number from my mum.How? i never knew too.

He continued calling,most importantly checking on his son.And then for a moment he stopped calling.I wasn't anxious for his calls anyway.But surprisingly,one day in 2006,dammnit! that's last year,he called:

''Hi''

''David?'' i knew his voice

''Yah,it's me''

''Long time''

''I know''

''Where have you been?''

''Around''

''Doing what?''

There's a deafening silence.

''Jane, i wanna tel you something''

''Am all ears''

3 to 4 minutes' deafening silence again.

''Are you still there?''

''I..i..i'm joining the ARV Therapy''

WHAT?''

Silence.

I'm shaking.The phone reciever falls down on to my lap.My head is spinning.I blacked out.I feel sweat running down my spine.It was at lunch time.I'm supposed to eat,but i can't.

The next morning i didn't come to work.Went straight to the HIV/AIDS testing centre.God! i told the guy everything.And then they took my blood by pricking the end of my finger.10 minutes or so later i'm called again into the little room for the results.Believe you me,before i picked up the lid from the basin,i said a little prayer.I was shaking again.I was sweating.I could feel my heart beat.

When i left that testing centre i wondered how!.I never asked.All i wanted was to know.
He called again first thing the following morning.And i told him my results.I don't even know how he's doing right now.His number is not available.

I've heard the HIV virus is much smaller than the pores on the condom,and that it can easily pass through.

One time again(sometimes in mid-2005) i went to check my mum's sister in O/town.I was with one of my cousins.We went out and i met one guy.That was on friday night.Saturday night we went out again.Drank till we dropped.Sunday morning i boardered the first bus.Nothing happened between me and the guy okay?..nothing.

Three months later one of my former school mates invited me for her kitchen party in Orapa and i told the guy that i was coming over.Okay.Fine.The kitchen party was so jam packed.It started late around 8pm.Introductions,The bitch is coming,Here comes the bride and finally it was over.

It was around 11:30pm when that guy came to pick me up.Yes..we went to his house..and YES we used a condom.
I was on leave like for three days,so he dropped me off at home in the morning.I found my cousin preparing breakfast.

''Wow,just in time for tea'' i said this opening the fridge to get milk for my tea.''How was your night?''

''Gr8! yours?''she wasn't in the mood.

''Are you sure your nite was gr8?''

''Lefhoko call me to tell you something''

''Yeah what?''

''That Jojo is HIV positive''

''WHAT?''

The milk spilt into the sink.I started shaking,sweating and trembling.I became dizzy.Supported myself with the cupboard nearby.I went into the living room.Set on one of the diningroom chairs.God! i was shaking.Everything before me became invinsible.I blacked out again.

The next morning i left for Gabz.Not even a goodbye to him.

3 months later i went to the testing centre.Life never seizes to amaze me.

I fell sick last year when i had my right fallopian tube removed.While i was admitted in hospital i had three packets of blood transfused into my body.Since then i make sure i visit the testing centre every three months.

Guys lemme tell you something.It's better knowing your status than just sitting and waiting for nothing that you don't know.Better get tested now! Me? Well i go for testing every 3 months just to make sure you know?You can never trust these people? It really feels good to know.Good luck!

T'was A Long Time Back...But I Remember

I think i was either two or three years.Gues my mum was 21 by then.I was staying with her then,in another part of town.My mum was working,selling some food(take-aways) in a caravan at some place i can't remember well now,but i remember she used to bring me all that was cooked there every nite she came home.One morning i woke up still with the fat cake in my hand,gobbled up a little,there and there.

The other event that i remember quiet well is the night when a man came to our little room(gues it's the one my mum was renting) and beat my mum up.I gues it was mama's boyfriend or anything.I remember him knocking and my mum refused to open the door.I was sleeping with my mum on the same bed.The guy went to the back and told my mum to open the window then,still mama refused.

He smashed the window and the glass fell on us,he opened and got in.By this time we were awake with mama and standing in the middle of the house.He started beating my mum real hard.Throwing her on the floor.I can't remember where i was that time but i know i was crying then.I remember he slapped me and shouted at me to keep quiet.He continued beating mama.I remember the blood from mama's nose.

Luckily somebody called the police or something because in no time i heard the police car pulling up out side.And then i remember again going inside the police station.The guy was handcuffed and was walking in front of me with just his underwear.And i remember again inside the police office mama being asked questions and the police officer writting it down.And the guy was asked next.

Then i donno what happened after that coz i never saw the guy again.But i still remember how he looked like.He was a coloured,tall and always had a serious face.

So much of my childhood memories...

Along Came Jo'

Two weeks back.It was on friday.I called Doc to see where she was.She told me that she was on her way to my other cousins place in G-west.And asked me to come over after work.

Two houses to my cousin's,there's a car packed on the sideroad,one short guy and a fat one comes from the other house walking to the packed car.The short one sees me and stops.

''Excuse me,can i please drop you off to where you going or can i have your number?''

''Thanx,but i'm almost home,just two blocks...and i don't have a phone''.(would i have given him the number if i had the phone?..don't wanna lie,i aint sure.

''Okay,can i have any landline you use?''

''I don't have any landline''

''Okay then,take my number and please call me?''

I took out a toilet tissue and wrote on there.His friend went like, ''Ai!,chomi she's just written your number on a toilet tissue,du think she'll call?''
I left.

He shouted,''hey,by the way..am Joe''

We hanged around at my cousin's...yes drinking.And then it was around past 11pm when Doc wanted to go home.We tried calling the cabs and even waited at the side road hoping to see one pass by,but we failed.

We were lost for hope now but Doc had to get home.Her husband was going some place early the next morning so she had to prepare his luggage and some other stuff he was gonna need.
''Doc,can lemme have your phone?''.Then i sent that short guy a message that we needed a car to get my cousin to her house,and that if he didnt mind we would put fuel for him.He sent back saying he was still in a meeting and that he'll holla back when he was done.

Doc is a very impatient woman so we went to the nearest hangout place.There's a club there and some coupla restuarants.Doc got a cab and we went back home.I spent the night at my cousin's.

That was on friday neh?..saturday..sunday..and then monday i went to work.I knocked off a lil late i remember.Then went home.Bathed,cooked and the watched part one of Blood Sisters(Nigerian movie).I went to sleep i gues around 9pm or so...

I was in a very deep sleep when i heard the knock on my door.It was around 10pm i gues.I thought i was dreaming but then the knock continued.Usually when i hear a knock on my door,my heart would skip and start beating so fast cause i don't usually have anybody coming to my house.I pipped thru the bedroom window.Good Lord! It was that Joe!

''And then..wena?''

''Ermm.i..i...i got the directions from your cousin Dorcas''

''What the hell are you doing here?''

''I wanted to see you...in fact..i had to see you''

Got off the bed,unlocked the kitchen door and showed him in.Two couches in the kitchen.We sat down and started talking.He told me about him running a company that has just went bankrupt and closed down.His 3 past relationships.He says he's from South Africa.Bloodshot eyes.Hitched-up shoulders.
Abeg!..people!...so this murtherf...this guy comes to my house,disturbs my sleep to tell me about all that?,doesn't he know i was going to work tomorow?.No! because he didn't know i was working.Dammnn...

''So how did you know where i leaved?''

''On friday when you sent me an sms with Dorcas' phone i was still in a meeting(inside i went like,meeting my ass,which meeting cos you said the company just went down),and then when i was thru i called Doc and she said she had gone home already.She told me she left you guys by the shops,i asked her what you were wearing and i went there to look for you,but couldn't find you.I called her yesterday and she told me the directions to your house.That's y lended here''

Shit! Doc! How many times should i tell her never to do a thing like that? She even has the tendency of giving people my number when i made it perfectly clear to her not to!

''So,gone fela mme,what brings you here?''

''I think i fell in love with you Jay,from the moment i saw you that friday i knew i had to be with you''

I stood up,opened the door,i saw the landlady seeting by her varandar oppsite my house.

''Joe,get out!''

He wanted to protest.

''I said get out!''.This time i shouted a little so that the old woman could hear.

He left without saying a word.Now wait till Dorcas comes back from Francistown!

Last nite i was there at Mafikizolo.I was with my work mates-Kgalalelo,Thabang and Portia.We left around 4am.When we got out,he was there packed outside.

He came towards when he saw me. ''Would you mind a ride home?''

''Thanx but we've already called a cab''.

There are better people i can relate my stories to...not to any Jack and Jill...

Messages From My Mail

1.At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you
Oh yeah..i know...the 3 stoogies,my mum and of course myself

2.At least 15 people in this world love you in some way
i wish i knew those

3.The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you
I believe that,she had always wanted to be in my shoes,she always wanted to know how Edwin and i are doing,she wanted Edwin..well she can have him now...

4.A simple smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,even if they don't like you
Yah...i know

5.Every night,SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to bed
...true...the 3 stoogies and my mum

6.You mean the world to someone
...and to my self too

7.If not for you,someone may not be living
You mean those 3?...oh yeah

8.You are special and unique
i been told that a million times..

9.Someone that you don't even know exists loves you
..really?....Good Lord!

10.When you make the biggest mistake ever,something good comes from it
...learning from that mistake

11.When you think the world has turned its back on you,take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world
Oh yeah...i didn't even know that

12.When you think you have no chance of getting what you want,you probably won't get it,but if you believe in yourself,probably sooner or later,you will get it.
..i believe in i-self..so much! So i'm gonna get that right?

13.Always remember the compliments you recieved.Forget about the rude remarks
...Point taken....

14.Always tell someone how you feel about them;you will feel much better when they know.
..i'll always remember that...always!

15.If you have a great friend,take time to let them know that they are great.
...you mean my mum?...i always tell her that.She's such a gr8 thing that's ever happened to me.

Is it Really True?

I was told that for me to be happy i should at least do all of the following:


1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.


Gues it's true.Afterall,after a storm, the birds sing,why shouldn't i?

Lover's Month

For the first time in...how many years?....10?...12?...yeah somewhere there,i'll be spending this time alone.Feels so sad and yet so relieving.

Valentine's day.I used to think that it's a day just like any other.Well...maybe because i had someone at the time,now that i'll be by me..i gues it's now that i realise how special it is.

When is it?...wednesday?...okay...i'll be at work in the morning till 4:30..
And then i know i'll be heading home if i ain't gonna stay here and surf the net.It's not month end as yet so probably if i have money then i'll go grab that Wimpy double bugger by myself.

I'm tired of the countless Naija movies i have.Well...still i know i'm gonna watch one of them over again.Which one?...let's see....oh yes! The Royal Palace or maybe The Holy Diamond or probably..ermmm...The Billionaire's Club.

Yes?..what?...True Love?,My Love?,Daytime Lovers?,My Destiny?,Cinderella?...i ain't gonna watch those!...nxhee!...for what?

What's Love Got To Do With it anyway?....**sob,sob,sob**blowing my nose**sneeze,sneeze**!

You think i'm crying?...truth is...yes i am.

God...! It's so hurting!

This Morning...

I couldn't help but sing along to Avril's sweet melodies:

...It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
Making me feel like i was the only one

It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as i fall
Letting me know we were donnnne!

You were everything
Everything that i wanted
We were meant to be supposed to be
But we lost it, all the memories
So close to me just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my Happy Ending....

They Ain't Mine

Pictures like these ones? Mine? God forbid oh! i can't keep pictures like these! For what?

Life's Too Precious To Waste

Sometimes i sit and wonder why i have to worry myself over some funny un-important things than just sit and worry about what the future holds for these three little creatures(who came in row).The girl wants to be a nurse,the nextt boy wants to be a soldier and another boy wishes to become a policeman.I never asked them why they wanna be that,but at least they got minds to think!

Well..it's up to them for what they wanna become.I aint got any objection to that but to wish them the best of luck....and please God....bless them..!

Ermmmm...!

You can be free like that physically,but mentally you know that you have a lot to work on.I'll be posting some of the messages from my phone,so watch this column!

Somebody somewhere once said, ''just a cup of water, please!''...that's exactly what i need right now!

The Dead End

I was waiting anxiously for Tia to come tell me all about her trip to Cape Town to meet Walter.Well ever since she came back,she's has never talked about it,and to my view,it was like she never wanted to talk about it.I was wondering what could've happened.She wasn't calling the guy these days like she used to before she went to see him.Calls coming into her phone at late nights were cut short.

After a whole lot of courage given to her i donno by who,she started telling me all about it.

''Walter lied to me Jane.I told him i don't wanna be lied to.He said he was living alone,but i found two other guys there who he said are his couzins and that they came in like three months ago.Why the fuck didn't he tell me about them when we were talking online? I was looking forward to just having him to myself and just the two of us in the house,but that never happened and i always missed him because he was always out...something to do with meeting up with business associates.What business? He never told me about it when i asked.If he's home his phone was always ringing,and he'll be giving orders to the person at the other end.''

''So what's wrong in there? I mean he's a man,and he's probably making a living down there.You got a problem with that?.C'mon girlfriend,you should be proud of him now!''

''You know sunday morning we went to Johannesburg.In fact we went Benoni,a place called modeebee.It's kinda like a maximum prison.I asked what we were going to do there.He said we were coming to check on one of the guys he used to do business with.''

''What business is it if i may ask?''

''Do you mind listening?'',Tia said to me with a raised eyebrow.''the guy in prison has got plots like in most parts of the world.Brazil,Holland,The U.K,America,and so on.If you see that guy you won't believe what i was told he did.Ohh God! he's Godammn cute!''

''what did he doooo Tia say it!'', i insisted.

''i was told he got caught at one of the airports trying to cross with some drugs''.The drugs were hidden inside his stomach! Can you believe that? I was so scared when i heard that and then i started wondering what kinda person Walter is.''

''I used to do that myself,'' Walter told Tia on their way back. ''but i figured out there ain't enough money from that business and i quit and switched on to something else.''

''soo what do you do now?'' Tia asked.

''Last week the police came to my house and they searched every where''.

''Why?''

''Well apparently,somebody told them i'm involved in the Nigeria 419 thing,so they searched my house and took my laptop,my business phone and my last R30 000 i had in the house''.

''Why du keep that kinda money inside the house? Why not open an account and lorge it in there?''

''It's difficult to open bank account in South Africa,especially if you are foreigner''

''Oh! Really? Okay.But...wena are you involved with the 419 thing?''

Walter gave a foxy laugh.The topic was never talked about it again.

''So what are you planning to do now girlfriend?''

''Who? me? You think i'm going back to that guy? God forbid oh! I aint going back there.You know i was always scared that something might come up while i was still there.Like maybe the police will come again.And Walter has got so many shops there,where does he get the money to open such kind of shops and as many as they are? Ah-ah! i aint going back to him now! Tufia kwa!''

''Did you tell him that?''

''Tell him what? He'll see the writing on the wall.I can't live with that kind of person''.

''Mmh! i gues i believe you.You know Eddy used to tell me about Nigerians and how dangerous they are.He doesn't really like them,especially those from the Ibu tribe.Yoruba i hear they are better,but well they are all Nigerians,there's no difference!...But you guys did had 'fun' right?''

''Oh you mean the sex? Of course now.He's way too good.He's got a sexy circumcised dick that worked wonders.But still i aint going back.Whatever we had,we had.''

''You know Tia nna i aint got anything to say to that.That's your sole decision to make,and i hope that's what you want.I hope one day you won't come running and talking shit coz still i wont have anything to say to you then like now.''

''I've made up my mind Jane,that guy is dangerous.Even in just the way he talks on the phone.He'll be making this scary faces.Ah-ah!''

''okay...okay''

''how about Edwin? Have you talked to him lately?''

''Edwin and i are talking.things will be fine i gues.''

''let them be fine oh.You been mourning him for way too long now.''

The Moral Of The Story

Slamming the domitory door behind me,i went to my bed,dropped my books on there and sat down.The silence was so deafning,like you could hear the sound of a pin falling.

''So how long are you gonna go on like that? huh?...blaming yourself for something you got no control over?...did you have any idea that we are gonna write the test tomorow?...did you have the idea that you won't be able to go Cape Town tomorrow?...c'mon Tia! don't be mad at your self for this..please!''

She pipped through her sheets to look at me.I gave her an understanding look.''Don't even start with me Jane,i didn't bother you like this when you got roudy with Edwin.So please just live me alone okay?'', she abruptly covered herself again with the sheets.

''This is not about me and Edwin okay Tia?,i softly said, ''It's about you and that Walter guy.So get a life girl and face it! Don't even try and hide behind what went on between me and Edwin.Your case is way too different okay?''

After a very long while,''Do you remember when you had a fight with Edwin?'',she said this still under the sheets, ''after he found out about your kids you hid from him? Do you remember how you spent all those days not going for lectures and all? That's exactly how am feeling right now.I feel like....I feel like just dying you know Jane?...Good God! why is this happeneing to me? Oooooh!''

''Look! stop saying that and let's think of what to do make your Walter guy understand okay? lets think of that now before it's too late.''

We went to the computer lab to send Walter another email bcause i told Tia that the only way is to write him and tell him that She'll come the following weekend.Just to make him see that sometimes there things we cannot control.That sometimes we just have to live with whatever comes our way.We were just goinno try that,coz i never tried to talk with Edwin after our ordeal and it felt so bad i didn't want Tia to go through that as i knew how it felt.

Daddy Please:

You donno what you are doing to me when you behave like that.The fact that i wont be able to come just kills me inside and to see you do that to me kills me even more.How was to know that there's gonna be a test coming? why cant you see that i didnt know? why are you doing that to me? You want me to believe what? that every time we are supposed to meet somethings comes up? shud i believe that maybe God doesnt want us to meet? that whatever we want to do is not rite? that we shud call it off? i cant do that because i've already given my heart to you.

i know that things like this do come up in a relationship and in a way God is testing our patience,whether we'll be able to wait for one another.What's so difficult in waiting for me? i've waited for you for as long as i can remember.Why cant you do that? And not think that i dont wanna see you.That i'm doing this deliberately.I am waiting to see you Walter and i wish you cud do that too.

Anyway...my love for you is as true as the colour of my skin...and i know in God's eyes i'm doing the rite thing in telling you everything that i feel is rite.Hope you cud do that too.

Sorry i cant call coz i dont have enough airtime,but i'll call you sometime.

Bye

Chii! jare,that was something! If that bloody Nigerian guy won't call my roommate, then i'm gonna tell her to just let it go because i could just see how crazy she was about the guy.It reminded me of the first times we used to talk with Edwin.I will be there all day,glued to the computer and not wanting to move.We were always online and if i didn't see him there i'll be so damn frustrated i would become moody.Well that was that in those good old days gone by.

After a couppla hours, Walter called Tia and they talked.They agreed that Tia come the following week friday.''This time no buts,i want you down here okay?'' Walter said to Tia.

God's gr8!

I cant seem to stop thanking this 'guy' everyday that i see.He seems to do things in a way we don't usually get to take time to digest and see what he really wanna say to us.

I usually say that i understand when God wants to show us some way,but today!...just today.I realised He wants to say something to me.He wants to show me something.I've heard Dear Lord,and i've seen the way!

Talking about the call i recieved last nite-around...say 01:15am.

Okay.....

The 3 Stoogies

When i look at the way they play with others
The way they concentrate on t.v
The way Jeddah and Jnr pay attention
When Vicky shows them how to write their names
I can see that my 3 stoogies are goinno excell at school

Well i aint counting the chicks as yet, but it
Gives me a smile everytime i look at them trying to play school
Vicky being the teacher
Recently i bought each one of them a school bag,pencil,rubber,cryons,sharpener and a book
And they are using them wisely
They know that a tree should be coloured green
And a cow should be coloured either brown or black and all the rest

Sometimes i wish they could have also inherited their fathers' intelligence
(sorry to a lot of people,but i have to bring this one in)
Vicky's dad is a software engineer
Jnr's dad is a civil engineer
Jeddah's dad is a science teacher
If they can have those brains together with mine
I'll know my kids will go somewhere
I'll know that education will take them somewhere

Oooops! i just remembered that
I have to take that film,of pictures of them i took over xmas,
To the studio for development
Can't wait to see them pictures
The pictures of my 3 little stoogies...

The Story Without A Moral

Using my access card through the varsity library main entrance, i hurried past the security guard saying my hi's along the hallway.I was meeting Tiane at 2 o'clock at our usual corner to revise for the test we were writting tomorow, and i was already 30 minutes late.Tia is very good at keeping time and i'm very bad at that.Anyway it didn't bother me because i knew if she's there already,she'll probably be chatting to that Nigerian guy she met online a coupla months back.

''Oh! Shit! I'm sorry i kept you waiting'', i said this putting my books on the table without looking at her. ''I had to drop Lonah's domitory key on my way.She-!'',i turned to look at Tia who had her eyes soaked with tears.

''Tia? Are you alright?''

She almost shouted at me, ''do i look alright to you? do i?...Oh! Jane'', she sobbed, ''i did it again,i scrued it up again''

''What Tia? What have you done again?''

''U know that i'm supposed to go meet Walter in Cape Town tomorow right? But now the test,Oh! God! no''. She buried her head in her hands and started crying.

''Tia...Good Lord,stop crying.'' I looked around to see if anybody was watching, ''there are people here studying,'' I whispered.
After a little while i said, ''we'll sort something out okay,stop crying.we'll send him an email to tell him why you can't make it okay girlfriend? c'mon now,pull yourself together will yah?'' I reassured her while stroking her back.

I introduced Tiane to edumela.com some months ago and since chatting with Walter she has been hooked to the thing as though her whole life depended on it.Walter is one Nigerian guy reciding in Cape Town and he and Tia had been planning to meet on several occassions and verytime Tia has to go something crops up.This even reminded me of the first time i went J'burg to meet Edwin.I was supposed to go on a friday,but postponed the journey to the following day saturday.Edwin was so cross and i felt pity for him when he told me that he spent the whole night waiting for me.I believed him coz his eyes were wary red from lack of enough sleep.

I was also supposed to see him off to Cape Town on that April day but couldn't make it.It was the 1st of that month and he even thought i was playing him April fool! Dammnit,my bag got snatched some days before and all my documents were in there including my passport so i couldn't go! Anyhow shaa!,for Tia it was suprising because everytime that something cropping up,happened to do that at the last minute.Tia was supposed to go tomorow.The lecturer just told us this morning that we have a test tomorow morning,he even apologised for telling us this late,said he forgot,and Tia cannot miss it because it's an assessment test.And if she missed it she'll have to re-sit the same course the following year.

Cape Town.I've heard from Edwin that it's a nice place.I was jealous that Tia was going Cape Town,not jealous because she's goinno meet Walter,but that she's going Cape Town and Edwin had promised to take me there sometime,but now that we are no more i'll have to save more money to get my own black ass down there.

I asked Tia to wipe her tears and get down to emailing Walter.

Eish Daddy,
I'm just from class now and the lecturer has just told us that we have an assessment test tomorow..I'll come over next week Friday.If you really love me like you say you do you'll let me write this test.I know i always tell you that am coming and then i give you a last minute shit! i know its hurting babe but if i dont write this test i'll be doomed.

I aint coming up with stories babe these bloody lecturer just told us now.Pliiiiiiiiizzzzz! I'm begging you babe please understand.Next week i wont say any excuse.I know how you feel.I know how prepared you were to meet me.

I cant wait to see you too.Just that when something like this comes up i have to abide u know.I love you Walter.Not even change of plans affect the way i feel about you.Hope you'll undestand that i HAVE to write the test.

My heart bleeds too that i was goinno see you for the first time.Please lets make it next week friday?

I love you and i hope you'll bear with me and not think otherwise.I want to see you.I want to hold you and tell you how much you mean to me.I want to whisper in your ear and let you know that without you life just aint a word with a meaning.I wanna do with you all those things we talked about.I wanna watch the stars with you at night,eat with you on the same plate,listen to our favourite song,watch our favourite movie(Nigerian movie),go with you to a club,dance with you,have that drink and hurry home to make passionate love.I still want to do that with you.We are still gonna do that when i come over next week friday!

I was hurt too when the lecturer told us that we have a test coming.I thot he was gonna say it will be at a later date.Only to find that its tomorow! Good Lord! i had an appointment with you tomorow!.

Love
Mummy.

Oh! my God! Sometimes i become so damn envious.Tia calls Walter daddy and Walter calls Tia mummy.These two are so much in love.
Tia kept on clicking her inbox for the reply and looking at her phone waiting anxiously for a call.

''Goddammnnit Tia! Let's concentrate please!. The sucker will call if the need be or email back.We got a tes-''

Tia's phone rang.It was him.

''hello?''

''You know what? I'll tell you when to come over okay? Don't ever tell me that you are coming''

''Babe please don't do that.Try and understand.I-''

''I have cancelled all my appointments knowing very well that you are coming.So what am i gonna do tomorow? How long should i go on with this? Everytime you have to come over,you tell me this has done that.You want me to believe that crap again?''

''I'm really sorry babe.I really am.I didn't-''

''I've heard that several times.Bye.''

Tia looked into thin air like she's seen a ghost. ''What is it dammnit? What did he say?''

She slowly turned her head to look at me,with tears gathering at full speed in her eyes.

''He hung up on me''

After a while,10 minutes or so,i said, ''Aaagg!,c'mon let's study.Let him go rot in hell.Nigerian boy my ass! Who the fuck does he think he is? Let him go flash his worn-out ass down the drain and leave us to study!''

''You don't understand you know that Jane? You don't understand''. She gathered her books quickly and stormed out of the library without saying a word.

''Tia!'', i whispered, ''Tia come back,Tia! We have work to do! Tia! Oh! Shit!, i followed suite!

The Little Cottage At The Back

I love this little room
All my deepest sorrows are buried in it
It's the only place that understands when i want to be alone
When i want my space,when i long for peace
I get all of that in abundance inside this little room

It's so small but it's big enough for me
In it i find solace and i am able to think my things over
Without unwanted and uninvited intruders bugging in
The only people who understand that sometimes i don't want to
Be disturbed when i've closed this little cottage's door
Are the people renting in the same compound
Only those people understand that,especially my aunt and her two kids
They gimme all the space i need
But people like I.T,Victor,Dorcas,Edwin,Hedges and all the rest don't understand that
They don't wanna see that i don't wanna be nagged

I.T and Victor with their endless visits and their endless preaching that
That i'm not supposed to lock myself in the house like that
Who are they to tell me what to do and what not
Edwin and the others with their constent phone calls
Sometimes i just look at the phone and decide not to pick up,sometimes i do
Goddammnit! i have the t.v and the radio to play if i want some noice

And i have this little cottage too to gimme all the comfort
They think and claim to know that i need
Sometimes i feel like moving from this compound to find a place
Where nobody will find me
Sometimes i even think of changing my number-but this one i will
But again this little cottage is affordable in terms of rental
And my furniture inside is so seductively laid out
I love the mangoe trees grown at the back
They gimme the kinda sound from the branches,
Moving back and forth,that soothes my soul

When its hot lik ethis time of the year,the shadows coming thru
The back windows cools it down and i'm able to
Sleep like i've never done before
This little cottage situated at the back of the yard
Holds so many fond memories of my life as a single-independent woman
Most of them are from 2005 and a little bit of them from 2006 end
That is why everywhere i go,everywhere i am
Everything i do in every word i say
My heart,mind,body and soul are always in here
When i put the key thru the door and walk right in
It's like i'm walking right into my life
Coz inside this little cottage i see the person i was before
And the person i am at the moment

I thank you my God..for the little cottage at the back...!

A Ray Of Hope

Somebody once told me that just say,
''My name is Jane,i have 3 kids,take it or fuck off''
Well...this time around i said exactly that and...
Good God! It has never felt this easy,and i've never felt this relieved
I said to myself, ''This is what i should have said from the onset!''

And then he went like, ''where is their father?''
A nagging sound at the back of my mind was going,
''Stick to the truth Jane,stick to the truth''
''Well each one of them has got its own father,but the fathers are no more,
they never stay do they?''
''Wow! Great! then can i be their father?''
Inside i was like, ''what?,God help me o!''

And then.....

The Year Ahead...!

The year that was,has just passed
And another one has just begun
Meaning that i'm gonna grow another year older
That calls for more responsibilities and more maturity
No more no's when you meant yes
Taking things slow and thinking before saying a thing..

I have made my decisions the way i hope they'll work for me this year
I don't wanna hurt anyone, i don't wanna be hurt
I've loved once,i'll never love again the same way
Well i might,but it's not gonna be the same
Oh yeah!..i wanna get my driver's licence this year

I wanna save more and get my mum a camera phone end of the year
I'm gonna help her finish that house she's started building
I'm not gonna buy furniture on credit
I'm gonna buy Vicky,Jeddah & Juniour clothes every month
so that i won't need to buy end of the year-my mum too!
Kgomotso,my neighbour,is pregnant,well i'll get her smth-and the baby too!
I'm gonna open bank accounts for the kids this year-P50/mnth will do!

D.K, yes grandma.I'll make sure i see her at least twice b4 year end
She's fine but she keeps forgetting things
It hurt when she asked me who Vicky was!
There's gonna be more socialising and less drinking
I'll let Doc know that i wanna focus on my future with the kids more
She'll have to overstand even though she doesn't have kids herself-God! at 32!
Well we talked about it and i adviced her that this year she has to see a doctor

There'll just be too much to do this year
And those are my resolutions for the year ahead....

The Time Was Now...

It was hard doing what i had to do...but i had to do it!

Marriage..one hell of an Institution...or is it not?

When my mum got married to this guy i didn't like it! I even told her myself.I didn't like this guy.He made my mum go through a lot with his clear and obvious infidelity.He took my mum's love away from me.The love i was showered with for the whole of my first fifteen years.This guy just appeared from the middle of no where and took that away from me!

But my mum cared for him still.We moved to his place in 1994.My mum was transfered to Serowe then from Palapye to work at Furniture Mart.I got my transfer too from Orapa where i was staying with my mum's sister.

We were coming there to stay as a complete family.He came with his son too.Omphile who was one year younger than me.Well the truth is i was told that this guy is my true biological father.We went for a DNA test and they proved that we are both Blood Group O Positive.I hated him so much i even wished in those specimens(if there's a word like that) there were some things that could show we are both O but different somehow.I was told that he ran away when my mother told him that she was pregnant with me.Came back after 15 solid years!

It was fine at first.At least i could also have something to say when people talked about their fathers.But when he started abusing me i started wishing he was dead.I wished i could kill him.I didn't call him dad or father.I didn't know what to call him.When i told my mum that her husband has got a tendency of getting in the bathroom when i'm bathing,my mum would not believe it! She was always taking his side.My mum knocked off at 17:30pm,i left school at 16:00pm and the guy knocked off at 16:30pm.He'll rush to come pick me up at school.I wasn't involved in any sport at school bcoz by exactly 16:00pm he'll be parked at the gate.

He made my life a living hell and all this time i could say nothing to my mum bcoz she would not believe me.Is that how it should be in this institution? You don't have a say in whatever your husband is doing? Even if he multreats your kids you don't say a thing? Why? Because you love him? Can you love your husband more than your kids? If he is a stepdad are you supposed to always take his side? Aaaggg! Mannn! That's bullshit! That's why i don't think i'll ever get somebody for my kids to call their dad.Somebody who'll pretend that he loves them after he marries me he shows his true colours! If it's like that then marriage sucks!

But I almost did it! Rogy proposed on my 24th birthday.Gave me a gold band on the 17th of June 2004.Lol...i donno who bought it now because i sold it like last year to one Indian Jewellery Shop in the Main Mall.Edwin and i talked about getting married until he knew about my other two kids that i had kept away from him.I also remember that my ex,Ernest,who had dreadlocks, used to say that the dagga he used to take meant a lot to him because the name carried two full meanings he treasured so much! He said the word 'marijuana' sounded like Mary and Jane-my mum's name and mine.And then again the word marijuana is like it's saying marry Jane-meaning that he should marry me! WEll i ain't interested in the marriage thing anymore.I gues it's gonna take a bold guy to convince me otherwise!

On the 17th of February 2002 they(my mum and the guy) had a heated quarrell with and he ended up stabbing my mum with a knife below the left breast,by the heart.I gues he wanted to kill her coz at his work he was doing post mortem to dead people so he knew where to stab my mum to end her life.But God is always there.And He was watching.It wasn't my mum's time i gues.

Two weeks down the line he fell sick and died.Of course i didn't cry.When my aunt called to tell me about it i was like, ''is it?'' Another part of me said, ''your mum is out of it now'' and the other said, 'you have your mum's love back!''

I had 3 chances at getting married,and it never happened.The gold ring that Rogy gave me had 3 diamonds on it.I could have been a teacher,an accountant or a PR, 3 posts i gave away just like that.I have 3 kids i adore so much.Fuck! what's with the number 3?! oh! shit! Dammnnit! i even had the operation on the 3rd!

Hallellujah

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music,do ya?

It goes like this the 4th the 5th
The minor fall The major lift
The baffled King composing hallellujah

**hallellujah,hallellujah** x2

Baby i been here before,
I know this room
I've walked this floor
I used to live here alone
Before i knew you
I've seen your flag,
On a marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallellujah

**hallellujah,hallellujah** x2

All i ever learned from love
Is how to shoot at someone,
Who outdrew you
And it's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallellujah

**hallellujah,hallellujah** x2

(soundtrack to Shrek 1-it really does it for me)

Everyday...and everynight..!

Psalm 91:

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
Who abides in the shadow of the Almighty
Will say to the Lord,
''My refuge and my fortress: my God in whom i trust''
For he will deliver you from the share of the fowler:
And from the deadly pestilence:
He will cover you with his pinions.

And under his wings you will find refuge:
His faithfullness is a shield and buckler.
You will not fear the terror of the night,
Nor the flies by day,
Nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
Nor the destruction on that wastes at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
Ten thousands at your right hand:
But it will not come near you
You will only look with your eyes:
And see the recompense of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord your refuge,
The Most High your habitation.
No evil shall befall you,
No scourge come near your tent

For he will give his angel charge of you
To guard you in all your ways
On their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the adder,
The young lion and the serpent you will trample under foot.

Because he cleaves to me in love,
I will deliver him,
I will protect him,
Because he knows my name.
Whe he calls to me,
I will answer him:
I will be with him in trouble,
I will rescue him and honour him.
With long life i will satisfy him,
And show him my salvation.
Amen.

Psalm 121:

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From whence does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved.
He who keeps you will not slumber
Behold,he who keeps Israel,
Will neither slumber nor sleep

The Lord is your keeper
The Lord is your shade on your right hand
The sun shall not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil,
He will keep your life
The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and for ever more
Amen.

Some people are so so.....!

''Hi! Pamela,how are you?''

''Oh! Alex,am fine,and you?''

''Am fine too,i missed you?''

''Oh!..Alex!''

''Look,Pam meet me at Millenium Park,at 16:30pm,usual place okay?''

''Alex please!...I...I...I can't''

''I'll be waiting for you.Millenium Park,16:30pm..i'll wait for you,if you don't show up,i'll sleep there,i've done that before,i'll do it again!''

Once written,it's written!

It hurt me so bad.I only came to know this only on saturday.Why now?

I know i was the most intelligent student when i started school at kindergarten.I remember when we opened schools for the first time we were asked to count up to hundred.We started together as a class but when we came to 20 i was the only one left counting alone until i came to hundred.God is my witness i didnt know where all those numbers came from,every number was coming out so swiftly i didnt need time to think which number is next.

When i was doing standard one,i remember being summoned to a standard 5 class and was asked to tell the students(4 years older than me) how to pronounce bird, bad and bed.I was talked about in all the schools i attended, Tawana Nursery School,Mogapinyana Primary School,Bathoen House,Orapa Community Juniour Secondary School,Metsimasweu Juniour Secondary School,Swaneng Hill School and the UB.

What's hurting me now is i only learnt last weekend that when i finished my nursery schooling i was nominated by the De Beers Company(also called Deswana Company-the biggest company this country has ever had,that produces diamonds and brings a huge sum of foreign exchange into the country) to sponsor me to attend my primary level at Livingstone House.It's hurting and it still does,i know i can't turn back the hands of time but i'm mourning over it because Livingstone House is one of the best schools in our country that produces the best students.I hear that one of my teachers at nursery-i had 3 teachers who took us in turns,told the management that they cannot take me because i was too intelligent and she feared that i will go mad if i was to be allowed to attend school at Livingstone!

I'm gonna ask my mum if she knows anything about this!

Good Old Days Gone By

These are the pictures that these little people will see when D.K is gone,because i don't think she'll still be around when the reach their teens.But at least they will have something to show that at one point in their lives they had had a memorable chance to get some pictures with her.

But again i am afraid for Vicky,it's like she's gonna grow up into a tomboy because she's always surrounded by boys.Others tell me that it'll help her not to like boys coz she' s just gonna take them as her friends as she grew up around them..well i donno..maybe and maybe not.She's pictured on the other photo with Juniour,Tevin and Jeddah.On the other pictures they are with D.K,Jeddah on her lap.

She'll be missed...so much...we miss her already,but she's still here you know?.Right now she's in Kgagodi,the little village where some of us were bred and grew up.She's with my aunt-Motlhatswi,her last born daughter.

In many years to come D.K will be thought about,talked about,sung about and praised because she is a woman with a pure heart.She's one person who likes talking out something thats bothering her.She cant keep it to herself-one reason why i wished i was like her.The other time that i dont really wanna think about was the look i saw in her eyes at my dad's funeral when my mum's in-laws were doing as they pleasd to us,the things they said,tantrums they threw...and what pisses me off right now is they wanna pretend it has passed but they don't really know how hurting i still am,and i still plan a revenge on them,i know what i'll do and i know then,they are gonna see that they ain't the only living beings on earth.Enuff about that!

I love you D.K, God knows i do.And i'll always will....

Summer is here,Winter is gone

Summer's....

...when you can wear anything you want,bare back or cover up,or better still,show that navel-ring..
...when you can go anywhere you want,with anyone who dares,and anyone who cares..
...anytime of the day,while the sun shines,you make hay..
...when you can drink anything that'll pass through,without choking..
...anytime of the night..with everyone around..
...when you let your mind,body and soul go free..
...because everything's free..
...i love summer,when the sun sets,cows starting to moo,and the horizon being painted red..
...everything gets back to normal,you'll feel like letting your hands float and fly above the sky..
...i love summer,everything runs so smooth,music soothes every soul..

..yes...i love summer!

Winter's....

...very cold,makes us shiver,teeth tatter,talk in stammer..
...others choose to stay home..
...but others can't,when work comes calling..
...i hate winter,yes..i do..
...especially when i have to explain why i didn't wash the shirts in the washen basket..
...when i have to tell that my hands couldn't stand the feel of cold water..
...how about the dishes in the sink?..
...the tap couldn't run,winter froze inside..
...we can't do anything we want in winter..
..winter please go...

..Oooops!...it's gone...shuu!

...but the Wisdom stays the same

Name: Dikeledi B Koko
Born: xx/xx/1927

Ever since she was born,ever since she came into this world,she had known only one guy,she had kissed only one guy,she had slept with only one guy,she had been faith full to only one guy,she had looked at only one guy the way a woman should look at her man,and she has never looked at any man the same way.

When we had kids,us,her grandchildren,she had always told us that,that should be the only man we ever be with,but it has never happened that way,how i wish i had been like her! But this are the changing times and we aint living in her era.Her husband-my grandfather,died in June 1996.He was called Baitshentse Segwabe Koko(1917-1996).If i had had a camera by then i would have put up his picture for you guys to see.This was a couple made in heaven.

She's sick now,suffered a stroke in 2001.Now her left side aint working.But you know old ladies,they won't rest even though they know they have to.You tell them to sit down and rest,they tell you they want their work done the right way! What right way? Aaag! D.K!

Yah we call her D.K.She doesn't mind though.She has become more like a friend to us than our grandma.But still not forgetting to keep on instilling that wisdom in us,everytime she gets the chance.She was there when i had Vicky,she was there when i had Juniour and was still there when i had Jeddah.Every step of the way telling me to always treasure the will of God as everything happens for a reason.''you are an only child to your mother Seane and these are your little brothers and sister''.everytime she would say that.

The hardest blow the family couldn't take was when she suffered this stroke.She couldn't hold anything right,everytime she did,that thing will fall down.At first we took it for joke,because everytime she tried to stay still she'll keep on shaking and we would laugh at that,but now it hurts to see her do that! There was an instant when she couldn't talk properly,she would talk like a little baby trying to learn how to talk.She would not take hot or warm food,they had to cool first.

I hear she gave birth to 12 kids,now there's only 7 left.There were two pairs of twins and one guy who was the first born-Kenalemotse.He died in 1980 when i was born,but the twins died immediately they were born,she has never kept twins and she concluded that maybe twins were not meant to in our family coz my other cousin called Osetse also had a twin sister who died at birth,but she chose to stay behind,hence the meaning of the name.So in our family there are no twins.Now she's only left with her 5 daughters and 2 sons.

Jimmy Koko
Josephine Kgotlaetsho(married)
Hildah Segwabe(thats our other surname)
Isaih Koko
Mary Molefhe(thats my mum,she got married,even though the husband is late now)
Judith Segwabe
Motlhatswi Koko

Oh D.K! You have accomplished so much! I thank God to have a granny like you bcoz you are not like any other!

If it isn't broken,don't fix it!

Believing too much, loving too much,trusting too much...at the end everything goes down the drain.You look back and find that you havent even moved a single step.Everytime is starting afresh time.When is it going to be okay? When is it gonna end? I've done so much,cried so much,forgiven many a times,i've tried with all that i got,but still everything stays the same..

I was 16,he was going in to 18.Our classes faced inwards.Evrytime i'll stand by the doorway of our class and look at him at his class.He'll be standing at the same spot too,by his class and looking at me.Everytime we did that.And it felt so gr8.It made something in my blood run so fast i would hear my heart beat.We shared so much,people including us believed it gonna be forever.Ours was rekoned as the best relationship of all times at Swaneng Hill School.Well,it's surprising because he was one of the rascals in school but i loved him still.

Haah! What? Now? Oh! he's in the UK now.Stays there.Maybe he's gonna stay there forever coz there's nothing for him here (so it seems to me) Both his parents are late,so what's the use in remaining here anyways? Nothing! And i gues it's best that way coz i donno how the moment shall be the day we lock eyes.I want him to stay there.Ernest i want you to stay,make life in the UK,get married,have kids,do anything,but please remain there....just stay!

Vicky's doing fine.Her two front teeth are out now,i went to check on them over the weekend and i took pictures of her giving me a smile.In fact i wanted that gap in her mouth.She didnt want to smile when i took the pictures,but i told her the gap wont show in the picture.

I still remember the first time we met.I was from the M.P.H,been playing chess there and him from the gym trim.When i was walking to the bus stop i didnt believe it was him calling me from behind.....

Down memory lane...!

Miller and Vivian.If it was possible the whole world would have known how much in love they were,everyone who knew them,had solid evidence just how much these two were meant to be together...for-ever!(if there's anything like the word!)

I remember one time when we were having lunch Vivian will go on and on about how close she and Miller were..**cough**as if i didnt know.She'll tell me about how Miller picks her up at her office when she knocks off.Miller knocks off at his work at 16:30pm,but at that exact time he'll be at Vivian's office,only God knows at what time he would have left his office,he'll accompany her to school,Vivian's classes finish at 8:30pm,and Miller will be waiting for her by her class,they'll go home together,they were co-habiting,a very common situation we find today in Gabz done by most teenagers.

Miller was Vivian's only friend,but Miller had other friends of his whom he normally hang out with.Vivian was not allowed to have any girls as friends.Her life in Gaborone those days were a form of a triangle.From home she'll go to work in the morning,from work to school then from school back to base.It was a life she had grown to accept and live with.To her it was fine.It WAS fine anyway,what was wrong in there? Nothing!

Miller and Vivian met in 1998.It was in a bar back home where Vivian's mum comes from.Surprisingly enough Miller's mum comes from the same place too and as time went on Viv and Miller came to realise that they are related.In fact their mothers were cousins but that didn't stop them from taking what they had developed for each other a step further.To them,they were not related-their mothers were!.Well the relationship was put onhold the whole of 1999 and a good part of 2000 when Viv went for her National Service in Maun.Miller was doing his course at FETE in Gaborone,there were no cellphones and the only quicker mode of communication then was through writting letters and telephoning.

When the schools closed (Viv was teaching at Boyei Primary School in Maun during he national service) Viv came to Gabrone to meet up with Miller as they had appointed in the last letter Viv wrote to Miller.They were supposed to meet at City hall in the main mall.But it didn't happen coz Viv had realised she was pregnant with somebody else's child and she didn't want Miller to see her like that.So till the school vacation was over,Viv went back to Maun without having met with Miller.

Vivian was transfered back to her home village after she had reported to the authorities that she was pregnant.She came and awaited her time of delivery in Serowe.She gave birth to her first child on xmas day early in the morning.It was a baby girl.She was with her aunt at the time of delivery coz her mum went to attend a wedding of her niece in th eastern part of the country.When Vivian's mum came home she was very delighted to find a new baby at home.

Viv and Miller met again sometime in 2000.Ernest was gone now.Just because Miller loved Viv that much he took her back,together with the baby.He told her how he waited for her at Kgagodi.Hoping against hopes that she'll show up for christmas like the year that passed.But he had stories that Viv had fallen pregnant and that she was already laid in.He said he went to Viv's house to comfirm.When he was told that it was true he boardered the next bus back to Gaborone.He said he was very hurt! ''but it's okay now,we have passed that right? I'm over it myself.That's why i still want you back.Bcoz i love you Viv.I couldn't get over you.The reason why i went to Kgagodi was bcoz i wanted to see you.That's all.Please believe that i've totally forgiven you and i want us to start all over again.Please''

And as they say...the rest is history..!!

One tooth on top of a hill...!

When i fell pregnant with this guy,my granny fell sick,my dad stabbed my mum with a knife below the left breast during one of their usual heated arguments,my aunt and her husband got a divorce,my other cousin gave birth through caesarian operation,my boyfriend got mixed up with the police and spent two nights in jail,one of our antient huts at the cattlepost caught fire....

Jeddah(short for Jeddadiah-meaning God's beloved) came at a time when things were not really going well in my family,my dad had taken to his womanising and i gues then he was at his level best,my mum couldn't take it.When i saw her during those times she had lost so much weight i even thought myself that she was gonna die anytime soon.I spent most of my days asking myself what i would if ever i lose her,this woman is one of a kind!

Monday morning of November 04th 2002 around 5am,the waters broke,but there were no pains whatsoever,i was with Rogers Snr and Jnr that time and Vicky was in Serowe with my mum,we called the ambulance and i was rushed to Old Naledi hospital.Still around 10am there were no pains but the waters were still dripping.Around 4pm i was transfered to Princess Marina Hospital where i was given a drip to induce the pains,well i must admit the induced pains are much severe than the natural ones.

And then he came,weighed 4.6o5kg at birth and he was recorded in one of those books in the hospital as the 1st baby born at Princess Marina at that weight.When the nurses asked me what i was eating to give birth to such a huge baby,i just said 'avocado'.True,i used to crave for those.I would even not talk to Rogy if he wont include them in every meal he prepared for me.

I didnt see Jeddah for like two days after he was born and later the doctor told me he was put in an incubator to try and stabilise his carbohydrate content.The guy was huge! I feared for him though..i donno why but i did.I remember everytime when i went to the baby clinic to feed him,other new mothers will be looking enviously at my huge baby as theirs will be so thin and being fed on that milk at the hospital for nutrients.Jeddah didnt really need that at all,i even didnt breast feed him,just one month i gues..everytime i did he got big!

He's my mum's favourite,he eats too much,he's such i nice guy, David Norman couldnt contain himself coz when i told him he came on the 4th of Nov at around 4pm,he was like 'thats when i finished my exam!'.He was so delighted.

Daddy

My mum calls him Daddy,every one in the neighbourhood calls him Jnr,i call him Jnr too because he was name after the father.
Full name: Rogers Jnr Molefhe
Born: 20th October 2001

He resembles everything his father is made up of.Even all those girls Rogers cheated me with knew he had a son who looks exactly like him in every make up he had.Oh God! he's such a cute lil boy.Quiet but very stubborn,he will fight with me,through every thing he'll lay his hands on at me,he'll take my pad and run away with it when am still bathing,he calls it a nappy,he'll ask me on who am gonna put it on bcoz there's no baby here!

He'll try and embarrass me every where we go,one day i took him out to lunch at Barcellos,we were sitting there and this other guy came over to greet us.He was my former school mate.We were talking when all of a sudden Jnr asked me 'is it bcoz of this guy that my father ran away?'

Good Gracious God!

Tsholofelo Victoria Molefhe

You wondering why i aint using the same surname as her?...aaggg!..well my mum said so,my mum's every wish is my command.

I call this girl Vic-tsho-molf.Born 25th December 1999.The best xmas present i ever got.She goes to school now.When they closed for second term vacation she was the over all best student in all the standard one's at Makolojwane Primary School.I wasnt there,but my mum was there,she's always been there,for me,for them,for everyone.She's the best mum anyone could ask for.

Tsholofelo came at 5am,saturday morning/dawn on xmas day of 99.It was raining that blissful morning.I spent the whole night trying to fight with her as she was also trying to come out,the pains were excrutiating i swore i'll never come there again(only God knew what He had in store for me).By that time i was left home in Serowe with my aunt Judith(my mum's sister-after my mum,it's her),my mum's husband was also there,but most of the times he was out,even when the labour pains started he was not there,my mum was in Ramokgonami-where my cousin Dorcas was getting married.

When my mum came back on the 26th she found a visitor at home,i remember looking her in the eyes when she found a new girl at home,tears ran down my face coz i couldn't contain the excitement she had.She had bet that it was gonna be a girl.She's the one who came up with the name Tsholofelo,meaning Hope.

The next day i took a pen and paper and wrote Ernest Krug a letter saying that if ever i see him next to my Daughter,am gonna castrate him!...and i mean it!

Behind that smile...

I donno if i'm the one who said it or its just slipped from my mouth.My mum told me i came around 5:25am..lol..a good one coz Vicky came at 5am herself...the best xmas present i ever got!

Am telling you everytime i'm around some people,friends or family,i try by all means to put up a smile like that,but deep down i'll know it takes all my strength to stretch those muscles around my mouth.I live my days knowing that behind that smile lies the true colours of who i really am.No one,not a single person can change that and no matter how much i'll try to make people see the real person in me,i'll always feel the way i feel,will always live the way i live,will always see sun rise and sun set the same way.God too can also be tired of people doing things that are outta the way and coming back to ask for forgiveness from Him.How many times will He forgive those kinda people?

Behind that smile...lies a dangerous person,in mind, body and soul.She's trying so hard to be the person she wanna be,without jumping to any conclusions,without skipping any line,without counting any chicks b4 they hatch,without saying right is wrong with no proof.I dont wanna say i'll cross the bridge when i get there,i wanna know from now and from here how the road is like to the bridge.

The best advice i ever got from my mum is ''keep smiling even when the going gets tough''...so far**sigh**it has helped...!

'If you can't fly,run.If you can't run,walk.If you can't walk,crawl.Do anything you wanna do,but in everything you do...keep moving' (Martin Luther King Jnr-slain US human rights activist)

He had a dream,thats why he said that.I have a dream too..and my dream is never to hear somebody say to me 'mum,why did you bring me here?'...and am gonna make show i don't live to ever hear that....so help me God..!!