Love's a loaded gun...and it shoots to kill

My Dearest Faith...

Yes,i know,it's been 10 years now,and to me those 10 years are like 10 seconds to me.A lot has happened since then.Your music career has taken its toll.Me?*shrugs**well i got married.But now divorced(gues we got married for all the wrong reasons),i wasnt over you as yet,i gues i wanted to make a cover up or something..i donno..

I live with my 9 year old girl now in a house i recently bought in Millenium Estate-Block 6. It's now that i realise women can do much better withou men-a belief that's untrue to most women.I've got a good job that pays well..our...my daughter attends one of the best schools around,and i wanna get myself a 'Maybech'(pronounced maybeggg) i dreamed about last night,not that i got any money,but i make more money when i travel the world to market our products and my country.

The reason why i write this to you now is because i was in Paris two days ago,and i ran into your brother,Henry.What's happened to him? He's grown so big!..the stomach...eish...! Well he's the one who told me how you doing,coz honestly speaking i never forgotten what we shared back then.He's the one who told me you'll be leaving for S.A in a coupla days to record with Dj Cleo(Did i hear Mr Doe-The Soprano mention your name in his song Hot to Death?).I though..well...at least you got a name to call yourself and believe you me,i'm really happy for you.I know you were younger than me then(still are anyway),you were 18 and i was 21,you had a brighter and much promising future ahead of you,i wasnt supposed to juperdise that for you.But Qbio,what we shared that night still live inside me even up to this day.I had a belief that older women cannot get married to men younger than them,no matter the age,but you...just you..there was something about you..i cannot put a finger on it,but something about you made me believe that you and i could go an extra mile you know? I believed so much that together we could accomplish so much,i believed so much in us,i believed so much in the love i thought we shared,i believed so much in our future together.

I remember the incident as if it happened only yesterday.I was with my cousin at Reddot.Your brother had just moved into a new house and you guys had thrown a house-warming party.Doc and i decided to chill a litle at Reddot before joining you guys later in the night.I was living for J'burg the next morning.When Reddot closed we came to your house.It was so great.I rememeber when you took me in a tour around the house,your brother's room was tidy,yours was a mess,i saw your studio..I remember we were in there,and you were showing me all the songs you came up with in the computer that needed the finishing touches,we stayed in the studio for a while,talking and laughing about this and that.It was in that studio where we had our first kiss.It ws in that studio where i felt the scent of a man-a real man,after i donno how long.It was in that studio where you whispered all those sweet for nothings in my ear.It was in that studio where you plucked up the courage to tell me how you really felt about me.It was in that studio where a lot of things happened,things that we lived up to this day still regretting,and still i have'nt stopped thinking how come we regret ever sharing something so special,something so intimate,something so sentimental.It was in that very studio where we made love for the first time after courting for 2 and half years.It was again in that very studio,and that very night where our baby was concieved!

Somebody once told me that letting the truth out will set you free and i gues its true because as i write this,i can feel a whole lot of weight being lifted from my shoulders.The purpose of this letter is to inform you that when i boardered the bus the next day for J'burg,and i recieved your sms,telling me not to keep the baby,in my heart of hearts,i knew too that i couldn't keep the baby then,i was still at school,i had to get my degree,i knew that in S.A i'll be able to get doctors who can help me have an abortion,and so i agreed with you that i can't keep the baby.I cursed you so much those days you know? I saw you as a coward who couldn't live up to the standards of facing his own problems,but again our baby wasn't a problem was it? How can you tell somebody to get rid of your baby? How can you be so cruel?,so in-human?,so heartless? I loved you Qbio,i really did,what happened to our love?,promises,you always made promises i so much believed you were gonna put through,is this what older women will get in return for loving younger men?

Well,what has happened has happened,i gues it's high time i let bygones be bygones you know? and live the past where it belongs.It was a life lesson i learnt the hard way.Are you wondering what i did?..well all i can say is i tried with all my might,with all that i got,one doctor said he doesn't perform that anymore,another one asked me who told me that in S.A abortion is legal,just as i thought now am gonna do it one other doctors said the machines that he uses were worn out so maybe they wont perform perfectly.I almost cried.Dammnnnit! how can cry over trying to kill a life? When i checked out the traditional doctor he told me its gonna be fine,he'll be able to perform that on me.He told me to go and come the following day.The following day when i came to him he said that his ancestors came to him in dream that he shouldn't do that! That they were gonna kill him if he did!...only to find out later that...modimo ga se mosimanyana(God aint a small boy)....and i aint a murderer...

All those years i had to endure all that was said about me('an old woman,after a litle boy,she wants to cleanse her blood with his').Thats what people said about me,and more.All the names i was called,all that my daughter-our daughter was told,that her father is young enough to be her brother.I must confess to you Faith,it was too much to take,it hurt,it still does.Du wanna know what i called her? Tsholofelo,meaning Hope.Even up to this day,even though i thought all that about you,i still have hope that you'll come back and if ever you decide that,know that i'll welcome you with open arms.

I'll write again sometime...please dont write back,i gues it'll be better that way.

Your loving friend
El Santy

Wholla this weekend

Called my mum,talked to Vicky,Jnr and Jeddah were out playing
Drank a lotta water,it was Goddamm hot!
Slept a lot,more than the recommended hrs
I watched one Nigerian movie after the other
Took both the Periactin Pills that were left in my bag
Bought one more packet of the same pills
They help relieve stress,you forget a lil abt what's going on,
Gives you appetite and makes you sleep too much

Stayed indoors
Got a visit fron I.T at around 4pm
Recieved an unexpected call
Had rice,fish,chips,pumpkins and water 3 times a day
Had Faith & Gala at my house every now and then
Got a call on my aunt's phone
Rogy was asking for a P100
Where the fuck does he think i get the money? Nxhee!

Thought a lot about how was gonna get my stuff home
Should i ask I.T or hire a van?
How much will they charge me?
When am i gonna take them home?,next weekend or the one that followed?
Time will sort this out i gues
It's Saturday! Damn! was s'posed to be in J'burg
But it's okay i didn't
Oh! shit! was s'posed to attend Priscillah's kitchen party today!
But i couldn't-i'll attend the wedding next weekend.
She deserves the marriage!

Viktar payed me a visit around 6pm
Went together at Pick n' Pay-Riverwalk
When got home,did what i always do
Sent an sms that i won't be at work on Monday
One great weekend!

It's His Fault!

When Edwin and i were ajusting ourselves to watch the game that just started,we got lost for words when it was announced that IT WAS OVER! Godammnit that Laila girl! That was in the first 56 second! She never even gave Gweldolyn O'neil a chance to give what she got.

Mohammed Ali you have brought shame to the O'neil family ooh! You know it's your fault!.Just like her father,Laila said her strengths were speed,confidence and power-and that's exactly what she was exuding! Good Lord! this girl! But i wanted that O'neil woman to win.Laila? She's beautiful yes but at all her conferences she held,it was like she was telling people that she had already won!,that pissed me off.Oh my God! But it was plainly clear that she had!..and she did win!

Mohammed Ali i hate you ooh!

Okay Fine...I Got Tagged

I'm the victim,so i must come up with 15 different points of my perfect lover,i.e my ideal man.

Okay, i've been involved in a coupla relationships neh?,and everytime it ended,i would have learnt a thing or two.Either the person wouldn't have met at least one of the things i look up for in a man or maybe that we just didn't click.So the following are what makes a man my ideal man...

Like i promised,everything that i'm gonna write down here is coming straight from my heart,and you and i know that anything written from deep within is as true as the colour of our skin..as true as these my words...

1.Be confident of yourself.Thats the first thing i recognise on someone.I can immediately pick up a this-girl-is-way-too-good-for-my-liking sign on somebody from the word go.That is a total turn off for me,coz for one,we just met,and you donno the kinda guy i like.Why would you even think i would be too good for you? If you think i aint your type looking maybe at the beauty,body and brains,then you decide you dont like what you see,and decide never to meet me again,know that it will be a minus one problem on my side.You would've made things much easier for me.

2.Don't test me or my intelligence,for whatever reason coz eish! baby you'll be in for a much bigger surprise.I'm so Godammn smart.I'll give you exactly what you want.Exactly the way you want.Some guys have got a tendency of tryina find out if you can think beyond the scope,you know?,I donno what they'll really be looking for.Asking funny annoying questions and making fun of you if you don't give them 'their' answers.I'll feel it in your tone that you are tryina make fun of me and to me thats a piss off.I don't test anyone for their intelligence coz i like somebody just the way they are,front teeth or no front teeth!

3.Appreciate me the way i am,coz i'll do likewise.Don't come into my life and tryina change me to what you want.I love myself like this.I don't wanna change anything.My belly?,i'll tone it alright.The stretch marks? I'll keep on using Bio-Oil untill the world ends.The twitching on my hip bone? Well i've tried the best i could,i gues all it needs is the best,expensive medical attention,i'll get that,for now you and i need to ignore it.You can easily know the kinda person i am from the way i dress,walk,talk and the kinda friends i choose.So appreciate all that because i'm not gonna live up to your standards.I'm not gonna live your life!

4.Love me (if you say so) for who i am,not what i am.I like home-cooked meal (even though i'm a bad cook) What?...yes in the kitchen..where else? I don't often eat out.In fact i don't like eating out.Just once in a while.When i do eat out,i don't like using that fork and knife.I enjoy using my hands,I love munching on that drumstick and then continue on chewing those bones no matter where we are.Eish! Please,let's finish eating first,thats when you can tell me, ''lets go''! Dont stand up while i'm still gulping down my sweet guava juice and summon us to go.Fucken freaking embarrasing!

5.Be respectful.Respect me.Respect my future aims,my goals,what i want to achieve.If you are not in the mood,respect it if i wanna use my sex toys.Respect my friends,my family,especially my mum.I give her the best respect she ever deserves.Most of all,respect yourself,and all the others will follow suite! After we break up don't sms me to say you've got yourself another girlfriend.One thing for sure it won't hurt me.I'll just wonder what you are tryina do.
When i'm gone don't call me the next morning and say, ''another woman slept on your bed last nite'' It won't affect me in anyway,but it will make me realise that i made the right move in leaving you.
I just want my cornflakes raw with only milk inside.Respect that.Don't put thinly sliced bananas and some raisins in there!...will just make me puke!

6.Fear God,but don't tell people your body is His temple.Be careful in everything that you do and in the words you say because He's everywhere,watching and listening.No person breathing in flesh and blood can create the sea,the earth (and all other planets),the sun,the moon and the stars...there IS the creator.Thank Him everyday for seeing day at dawn and dark at night.

7.I am a very independent woman.Should i say or write that again? VERY INDEPENDENT WOMAN!.So your money,status,post at work,what you do in or with your life,your car,the number of credit cards in your wallet don't mean shit to me! I can afford to buy you underwears 12 months all through the year,take you out and buy your Hansa every weekend if you want.So don't go around leaving your I.D's and ATM cards at micro-money lenders to try and please me.My P1 is far much worth than your P1. You wondering why? Coz i fucken work my ass hard for my money.My money is a hard earned money.I work hard for it.I work on weekends.I knock off late during the week.I see my mum once in a month.So don't think your money is worth it.Maybe you don't even work hard for it.Your financial status doesn't make any part of my body jump,actually it makes me just wanna throw up!....True!

8.Eish! Please don't lie to me.If you are sharing a room with some friends tell me.If that car is not yours,just say it!.If your cousin left those Jack Pucell takkies and the Levi jeans the last time he was at your house,fucken say it! If you can't do this or that please lemme know.If you cant be able to talk,the least you can do is pick the phone and say, ''i'm in the middle of something,can't talk,i'll call you later''.Please don't just let the phone ring till it hangs coz there'll be so much running up in my mind.If you really love me,say it from your heart.Don't say it just coz i said so.Even if its just once just say it.But make sure its coming from your heart.In anything you do,in everything you say,Please don't lie to me!.....

9.Be an honest,a loving and a caring person,coz thats how i am.Mean every word you say.Don't say what you don't mean just for the sake of saying it.The consequences backfires real bad.Be open to help the needy,when you see that dirty,filthy stinking little boy playing in the streets,have the odesity to pick him up,hug him and tell him you love him.Some kids have never been told that.Even though it makes me shed a tear sometimes when i see somebody do that.

10.Critisize me to better me.Don't tell me, ''Jane,thats not how you should slice that cucumber''.Grab the godammn knife and show me how its done!.When i'm shitting in the toilet,don't shout at me to close the door,come and close it! If i change the layout of the furniture in the leaving room everyday,don't object,because i just can't sit while i know and can see that,that flower pot should be at that corner,not where it is,the mirror should be hanged opposite the main entrance,our picture should be hanged on the wall above the television.Ask my why all that and i'll tell you.By the way i have this thing with changing and cleaning the house every now and then.I'm a bad cook but at least thats what i know i'm good at.
I remember my late dad once told me that i'll send them all to a mental hospital because today their bed is facing this side and tomorrow when he comes back from work,its facing another side.Well i'm like that and i cant change it.Thats why i want my ideal man to appreciate and accept me the way i am.

11.Talk with me.Don't talk at me.The best way to settle disputes is to talk it over.Don't choose to act and think i'll see the message.I might mis-interprete what you are tryina show.

12.Our life is our life.What happens behind our bedroom door ends exactly there.Not even your mum should know that i call out all my ex's names when i have an orgasm!.Most relationships which leave the house where they were consumated ends nowhere.If i've hurt you baby tell me,don't bring in the third party coz that one is gonna take sides.Let it be me & you.Coz it was you and me from the start.

13.Yes,have your friends and i'll have mine.I can't afford to be with you 24/7/365.Have your space and i'll have mine.Miss me and let me miss you.That way every time will be like the first time.Go spree drinking with your boys at Gugu's Tavern and i'll go gossiping with my girls at the gym.But at list say hi! or text an sms at least once in a day.Thats not too much to ask is it?

14.Have the phrase, ''i'm sorry!'' in your vocabulary

15.In a nut shell,concentrate much on learning or getting to know me more than lavishing me with all the love you claim to have.That will come at a later stage.

A Simple And A Real Friend!

Friends.Ever since i became me i've never had a friend.Somebody i can confide in.Somebody i can tell all my ups and downs.Somebody i can meet up after work or at weekends to go out for a drink.Somebody i can always be on the phone with.Somebody i can go out for lunch with.A friend as in REAL friend.I've always had my boyfriend as that 'real friend'.I've always had my cousins,i've always had my mum.Period.I've never had a girl/woman who could be a friend:

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself (and doesn't feel even the least bit weird shutting your 'beer/Pepsi drawer' with her foot!)

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears..

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.

A simple friend expects! you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

...i'm gonna find that kind of REAL friend one day...i know..

Little Things About Me...

Got this from Who I'd Like To Be,and i thought i might as well keep the circle moving:

Four things i don't wanna experience
1.Me too,i dont wanna lose any of my remaining family members
2.losing my money thru fraud,eg Nigeria 419
3.Trying to gain a lil weight,but not up to say..180kg's
4.Doing something and then realise very late that i shouldn't have done that

Four people who make me laugh
1.My workmate,Goitse
2.Jeddah
3.My grandma,she suffered a stroke,now when she wants to hold something,it falls down,i'll laugh even though it hurts to see her like that(i hope God blesses me!)
4.Yngwie(pronounced as yinvy)-my cousin's son,he's got eyes like that of a Chinese

Four things i love
1.My self
2.My family
3.Food-especially papa and beef stew
4.Cars

Four CD's i play most at my house
1.Shakira
2.Jewel
3.Jojo
4.Dido

Four places i love visiting around town
1.Gamecity
2.Tsholofelo Park
3.Fairgrounds Mall
4.Chezntemba Night Club

Four things i do first thing when i get to the office
1.Clock my name in the register
2.Check my mails
3.A cupof tea
4.Get to do my work

Four things on my desk now
1.Telephone
2.Calender
3.A stapler
4.Computer

Four things i don't understand
1.Why people wanna have multiple relationships
2.Why loving somebody hurts sometimes
3.Why a man should always be the one making decisions in a relationship
4.Why its easy to lie than telling the truth

Four things i hate
1.Bats
2.Fast driven cars
3.People who look down on others
4.SEX

Four things i wanna do before i die
1.Build my mum her dream house
2.Get my kids the best education money can buy
3.Have that business of mine up and running
4.Make a lotta money

Four things i can do
1.Clean the house
2.Sing
3.Model
4.Dance

Four people i think you should listen to
1.Your parents
2.A loyal and real friend's advice
3.Somebody who's been in a certain industry for a number of years,business,entertainment etc
4.Yourself,that inner call and trust your basic instincts

Four people you should not listen to
1.Somebody who's lied to you countless times
2.Somebody who claims to know it all
3.Somebody who's unsure of what they are saying
4.Somebody who didnt make it somehow in life

Four things i'd like to learn
1.How to play a guitar(espeacially accouistic)
2.How to drive a car-i want to have my licence this year
3.To speak Spanish
4.The Bible

Four beverages i drink regularly
1.Coke
2.Coffee
3.Guava Juice
4.Klipdrift en Cola

Four T.V shows i watched most as a kid
1.Santa Barbara
2.Sesame Street
3.Mickey Mouse
4. Million Dollar Man

Four books i read most as a kid
1.Rampuzzel
2.Snow white and the 7 dwarves
3.Sleeping Beauty
4.Cinderella

Four things i can't do properly,no matter how much i try
1.I'm always late for appointments
2.Wake up at the set time
3.Cook soft porridge,it always comes out hard
4.Iron clothes,thats why most of my clothes dont need ironing b4 i wear them

I Been Flirting With A Stranger

When a friend of mine told me she met her husband through the internet,i wondered what she meant by that.That was way back,before i came to know anything about this machine.But then,it's true because she's living in Australia now.And then as time went on i came to live in the world of online dating too.But i didn't believe that one could meet a lifetime partner on the net.Well,Itumeleng is a living proof of that.

I joined eDumela for the first time in November of 2005,as jayk.I didn't chat for long when i met someone by the username sword.He had a picture of his lips as the default image and i must say thats what caught my attention.We started talking then.We were online everyday.There were times when i would come to the office just to chat with the guy,and on the days that followed,i just logged in to chat with just him.I'll be having other messages from other users,but i'll delete before reading them.I got hooked on the thing like my whole life depended on it.

Well...and then the tale with sword is a very long story.It's so long it can't be cut short.....

And then it came to pass....i opened another account as nomsa.I had my black en white picture there as the default image.So many people sent messages.I made a lot of friends there as nomsa.And then came a story with vista in the U.S.He was such a dear friend.He's deleted his account now at eDumela....i kept on trotting on...i opened two other accounts after a while when i got bored,chakachaka and assword.I didn't stay long under those accounts,but still the same thing happened-a lot of friends made.And then,now i have another one that i'm currently using,that i opened sometime last year and again i'm still making so many friends.Especially that this time around i put up a picture of my undies(somebody called them knikkers-said i threw them on his face!..lol..).Most of the friends that i make here are males,but i was looking for females too,in that i wanted to have a kinda woman to woman talk with them.

Now my point in narrating all this is to try and show people that as individuals we have this other parts of our beings that are so hard to control.I think that everyone,if not all,who register with all these sites to look for partners or friends,just don't come here as single as they claim to be on their profiles.Well,it's just ONE in a million.Like ME.But,like i wrote on my profile,i didn't come there desperately looking for a guy or a life partner.I'm just there to make friends.

One thing that i realised is all these guys that i said i've made friends with,all the time they talk about SEX.Except for one who wanted to know how many cattle my dad would demand,in order for him to marry me!...lol...marriage?..One hell of an institution.All the others wanted to meet me.Others were pressing hard that we make appointments to meet.What for?...nxhee!.Others leave their numbers on my wall.But i made it perfectly clear on my profile that they shouldn't leave their numbers,coz i won't call.
Eish! there's one in J'burg who couldn't stop telling me what he'll do to me if ever we get to meet.I won't write that down coz it's so disgusting!.On the other hand,he says he's got a girlfriend and a daughter! So what are we(women)? Sex objects? Shit! I've stopped talking to him because...well...like i said i hate SEX!

And then,there are other sites i've passed through: mascom chart,vibesconnect,hi5,dating botswana,to mention just a few.Once in a while i log in those,but most of the time i'm eDumela.

Now,i recently bought a one-bedroomed house in Blogville.It's so small but i know that with time i'm gonna have to extend it coz there'll be so many people coming to my house.I know i'm gonna make a lotta friends there-bloggers.It's such an interesting site.Like one of my fellow blogger-Vera,said:''it's like AIDS.easy to catch,impposible to get rid of.It's spreading faster than wild fire in Winter''.

I think i've also caught the virus.At blogville,everything written down comes from the heart.People write about their lifes,their dreams,their ambitions.It's at blogville where wriiting talents are discovered.So if you know that you got that talent please buy a house at blogville and get to feel how it's like having people like Vera,Belle,Mphahlele,Jaycee,Guy Horny,OverwhelmedNaijaBabe,Naijadude and all the rest!...http://www.blogger.com

You Don't Know How I Phil...

Is that Baby Cricket or the other guy? How old is she/he?

When i first saw this picture,it gave me the crisps,such that the following day i had rash all over my body.Creatures like that...eish!

Little Things Girls Talk About!

I was paging through Mphahlele's blog and then i fell on to this post.She said Overwhelmed Naijababe tagged her on that,and i was like,
''okay,if Mphae got this from Overwhelmed,and i of course got it from Mphae,then i figured Overwhelmed must have gotten it from another girl,if she didn't come up with it herself.So I'm free to write anything that's on my mind.I'm free to say anything i wanna say.I'm single and i know i won't hurt anybody's feelings.''...after all,these are just the little things girls talk about:

1.How old were you the first time? 17

2.Name of the worst and why? Damon...he was behaving as though i knew every move.It was worse in that we were packed on the pavement outside my house,t'was raining in thunder and the street lights went off.My gran's husband came driving in thru to the garage.Just imagen when his car lights hit on us!..freaking embarrasing!

3.Name of the best and why? It has to be Rogers..that's when i started experiencing these orgasms and stuff.

4.Wierdest place you ever had sex: On that pavement of course.

5.Favourite Position: The only time i come is when i'm looking up that ceiling.

6.Ever faked an orgasm & why: yeah...a coupla times...he was abusing me emotionally and yet he wanted me to give it to him whenever he wanted.i had totally lost it!

7.Would you admit it if a person asked? ..no!..it'll hurt him

8.Favourite time to have sex: anytime

9.Most times you have had sex in one day: 3

10.Same person? ...go to hell..what du expect?

11.Ever fanticise about someone else than the one you are with? ...hell no!

12.Restrictions during sex? ...nope!

13.Accesories? ...yeah..

14.What? ...our hands...our tongues..the two parts..our eyes,minds,bodies and souls

15.Done it in the rain? ...yeah..

16.Done it in a car? ...on the bonnet

17.Had a threesome? ...what will i be tryina show if i do that?

18.Wanna have sex now? ...yes..been feeling horny lately,yesterday was worse...but i'm the office now,so..bad luck!

Been Beaten Twice As Hard(part 1)

The first story:With Ernest Krug

We met while still at high school.He was a standard ahead of me.He was one of the guys who had dreadlocks,smoked marijuana and always went in a group-strictly rastafarian guys.Many people were against the relationship at school.My classmates always asked why i had to agree to go out with a guy like that.He was very quiet.A very quiet guy.But we went through a lot together as a couple.When he came to school he used to have a hat on,to press the nuttys backwards,but he always took it off when he went into class-so i was told.

But the time the headmaster-Mr Williams, saw him with the hat on,maybe it was during lessons,i donno.Then it was taken from him.It was during his writting final exams when he passed by the head's office and saw people collecting stuff that was taken from them at one point,by the headmaster.Ernest said he was one of them,and when he entered the head's office he was pushed outside,i donno if it was crouded or what but when the Williams did that to him,he lost temper and pushed him(Williams) back too.The headmaster went stumbling back,fell on the floor and got his watch smashed down.Ernest wa suspended and never came to school again to finish writting his exams...God!..final exams!.I was by his side every step of the way.

When the results came out,next to his name was just written a 5.He had written 5 subjects when the incident took place.So that meant he had to re-write the other subjects to meet the required number of points in order to get a certificate.I gues somehow he wrote coz he did got his cerficate.

He got employed by Sowa Town private company where salt is mined.So he moved from Serowe to Sowa.I always visited him there.Every time i wanted to see him,i always knew where to find him.I mean he was my boyfriend and there was no need for me to tell him that i was coming.And he always liked it to get home and find me there without being given pre-info that you'll find a visitor when you get home.It was fun.Real fun.

It happened that i went Maun for the national service,where i was posted to be a teacher in one of the local primary schools.By then the schools were still closed and were gonna open in 5 days or so.So i went to Sowa again to check on him before i started work.

Every time when i went to check on the guy,especially if i reached there late at night,i'll go pip through his bedroom window.I'll see him sleeping peacefully there.Tired as hell.I'll tap on the window and i'll laugh my lungs out when he jumped from the bed,coming fast to the window to check on who it could be.Then i'll knok at the door,when he opens for me,he'll be looking at the side of the window to check on the person who was tapping there.I'll laugh and tell him i didn't see anyone.As usual we'll have our fun and all..

It happened that i went there again in June,to spend the days with him coz it was my birthday the following day.When i got there i did the usual,pipping through the window.God! It was around 11pm and it was a very long journey from Maun to Sowa town.And the cars were very scarce when hitchhicking.So all i wanted was to have a rest before Ern and i could do some other little 'things'.It was like Ern knew i was coming and maybe wanted me to see that.Or it was a way to say, ''girl,it's very over''.Instead of tapping on the window i stopped half way.My hand hanging in the air.I couldn't believe what i was seeing.A girl/woman was on top of him! They were having it all.Very busy,it seemed like they couldn't hear anything around them.So godammnn busy to even see somebody looking them through their window.

My sweat buts opened,and by that time i wished the world could just swallow me up.Good Lord! I was tired.All i wanted was to rest,but all i find is this! Oh My God!.I went round the house and set by the kitchen door.I set there for like an hour or so....then i heard them speaking inside the house.They were finished i gues.I went to the main entrance and knocked on the door.The girl opened.I knew her.She knew my relationship with Ernest.She was one of the people who were against the relationship at school.She welcomed me in.God! This time around it was another woman showing me into the house.The house i was used to calling my own...

I set on the couch.The t.v was on but i couldn't see anything.The radio was on but i couldn't hear a thing.And then they were in the bedroom again.Talking....about the situation maybe,coz after sometime the girl stormed out with her bag.Ern went out with her,and came back withing a minute.

He was standing there,leaning by the kitchen wall.Looking at me.Not saying a word.Just looking.My eyes were on the t.v.Tears kept cropping up but i tried so hard blinking them in.

''Jane why didn't you tell me you were coming?''

I turned my head to look at him.God! Did i ever tell him that i'm coming over? I wasn't used to that.I was used to always looking forward to seeing the surprise on his face when he found me home.By the way i even had my own key to his house,and that time i was so numb to even use it.

''Can i use your bathroom?''

''Yeah,no problem''

I took my bag and went to the bathroom.Had a shower.Put on the same clothes i was wearing when i came.Came back to the living room,still with my bag.Set on the couch.The world i was in that night was very dark.I gues i fell asleep on the couch.Coz in the morning i found i was covered with a blanket.Mind you,it was winter.But i never felt the cold.I didn't care if i felt cold.All i wanted was to die.

In the morning i had another shower.And then i was in the living room again,putting on my shoes.

''Jane,please say something?''

''What?''

I grabbed my bag,and banged the door on my way out.....what really hurt me most was that i was pregnant with Vicky!

You wondering how i feel when writting this?...There are no feelings...Gabriella's 'Rise' is playing in background...!

Been Beaten Twice As Hard(part 2)

The second story with Rogers Zachariah:

We met when he was still doing his national service,and i had just written my cambridge.It was at my mum's home village.The truth is his mum and mine are distant cousins.So no relation between me and him.We were at a bar.I was at the counter trying to make a round.Then i saw this guy.Damn!,so couloured and cute.He was there to get himself one too.Our eyes locked!

I bought and rushed out to where my cousins were sitting.Then i saw him come out too.He joined his cousins at another table.Eish,we kept looking each other's table.Then later,one of his cousin said hi to me.I knew the guy from school.And then some introductions.We appointed to meet the following day.

We talked.I told him we couldn't do what he wanted us to do (i was still going out with Ernest then).I can't or i donno how to 'serve two masters at a time'.But i took his contacts anyway.

This portion is where 'the story with Ernest' falls.

Then 2000 end I contacted Rogers.Hey,the devil you know is much better than the angel you donno.Not that i knew Rogy that much anyway,but something at the back of my head gave me a go ahead.

We started out so well with Rogy.We moved in together in 2002 when i started working.He wasn't working then so every bill was on me.I didn't mind.It was fine.He always got piece jobs from people who wanted plans for houses to build,so some how someway we always made ends meet,including taking care of the kids who were then staying with my mum back home.

End of 2002 he got a permanent job with the Gaborone City Council,thanks to me.I got my aunt's client to hire Rogy coz just depending on piece jobs when you had a University certificate really ate at him.Our little lifes changed for the better now.

It was in 2004 when he was given a company house(H45) and we moved in there immediately.But we were to share with another family coz we were not married.If we were,then we were gonna have the house to ourselves.So our housemate was one lady called Miilicent-we called her Milli.She has a daughter-7 years my juniour called Lebogang,but we called her Lebo in short.Lebo and i became so very close.Yah coz we had something in common.We were both the only child,no brothers no sisters.She called me her sister and i looked at her as my baby sister too.Rogy and i used to help her with her school work and all,especially mathematics coz she was very poor in maths.

She always looked forward to me getting a study leave coz we'll spend the days together.Going to the malls if i wanted to take a little break from studying.Eish we were so very close.I'll buy her something if she wanted it coz she was so very childish.Wanting this and that.The hair styles too.She always wanted to have one like mine.She always complimented me on what i'll be wearing and say she'll love to look like that when she finished school.Yah i always told her to concentrate on her school work and forget about looking like me.That her time will come.

And then a day prioror to my 24th birthday,Rogy proposed and gave me that gold band with 3 diamonds implanted on it.There was no reason for me not to say yes coz i wanted to settle down and i gues Rogy was the right guy for me.We were both working,we had accomplished so much together,3 beautiful kids and all.So i gues the time was then.

And then things started getting outta hand.I started living Rogy's life.He started going out with just his friends and i was told to stay home(we used to go out together oh).Well i didn't mind coz Lebo will also ask me to stay home with her.I started living a triangular kind of life.From home to work,from work to school and from school back to base.Thats exactly how it was.I wasn't allowed to visit even my cousins in G-west.Nobody was supposed to visit me at home.I wasn't supposed to attend parties at work,surprisingly i'll attend the one at his work.And we'll go together.While there he'll stay right here besides me.He'll be at my work place when i knock off.He'll wait for me by my class at school untill the lecture is over.There was a time when he attended the class with me! That guy was mad oh!

Sometimes i'll have this courage to ask him to let me be,but i'll just wave it off.If i was meant to live like that, then i might as well let myself live like that.With Rogy i had everything i wanted.What more would i be asking for? Afterall we talked about it and he said he did that because he loved me! And he was feeling that after the propsal he felt like he might lose me at anytime! Lord! Really? Is that how he felt?

One of his workmates passed away a coupla following months so Rogy wrote to his employers asking to be relocated to the house the deseased was staying in(E29).The request was approved and we moved in to the new house where we were gonna stay alone.We even agreed to go get the kids and stay with them.One happy,complete family.So i thought!But things changed for the worst.

His best friend,Teetee,threw his birthday bash at college where he was training to be a teacher,so Rogy went and as usual i didn't come along,after all the kids were here and now i had to play my maternal part! But their nanny was there! And how about him playing the paternal part? Well..let the boys be with the boys,and women be with the kids at home.Thats where they belong.Bath them.Feed them.See them to bed and all.The kids became my sole happiness now.Most of the weekends Rogy was out.If he was in he'll either be drawing plans there by the computer,or burning cd's for his friends.He had little time for the kids.
Everytime i go home to check on them,Vicky always tells me how Papa used to chase them to their bedrooms and shouted at them to go and sleep! She still hasn't forgotten that,but it happened two full years ago...she says she doesn't wanna see him again,and that she likes it that he doesn't come to check on them...she says she HATES him...everytime she says that..it really eats hard deep inside me....

To be continued.....

Been Beaten Twice As Hard(part 2)

The second story continues...

The house was getting so tense the days that followed.I lost appetite in everything.All i did those days was get home late from school,had a bath,checked on the kids-who i always found sleeping,and retreated to the bedroom.There was no affection these days,no 'i love's',no love making,not even sex.I had totally lost it!

Everytime he asked for affection i'll let him how tired i am.I was really tired those days.Not physically tired,but mentally or better said,emotionally.Fortunately he had porn movies in the computer,so he'll go watch and whack himself while i'll be dozing off in the bedroom,but i'll hear him moaning and all in the sitting room.

After his friend's birthday bash,he started spending too much time at his computer.Usually if i saw him there i'll know maybe there's a client who wanted a plan.But then one day i figured out he wsan't drawing but typing.

''Hee wena,what is that you are typing?''

''Ermm.. Thatayaone's school mate asked me to type her project which is due in no time.She said the computer lab at the college is always full''

''Oh! Really?...how did she know you had a computer?''

''Ermm..i gues Thatayaone told her''

''Oh!..Okay...''

And that was that.I trusted this guy with my life.I knew what was between him and the girl was her project that Rogy needed to type.

It continued like that.The project typing and all.There were times when she would call,and by that time i'll be having Rogy's phone,and i'll answer.She'll ask me to tell Rogy to be fast with the project because she'll be going back to school.And then she got her project back.Typed and all..

Still the situation hadn't improved at the house.We were really trying to make things get back to normal but eish...One day we were chilling in the front balcony.I had bought the kids some new toys,so they were at their bedroom,playing.Rogy and i were alone in the balcony..you know..tryina come up with could be done to make things work.I was standing in fron of him.He was leaning by the wall and had his hands behind my back.

A n sms got through to his phone and as he was reading it,like behind me,i abruptly turned my head and just managed to see the 1st lines...''if your body was smeared with chocolate..''

I went like, '' what? gatwe your body is smeared with chocolate? let's see''

Have you ever seen somebody's heart beating from a distance? I mean right in your wildest dreams..have you ever seen that?
So i took the phone and started reading the whole message.And then i scrolled down to see who the message was from-Tshidi.

''Who's Tshidi?'' I'm looking at him straight in the eyes..

''That girl who asked me to type a project for her..''

''So what does this message mean?''

''I donno''

''You donno? Okay..lemme call her''

He didn't object o,so i'm dialing Tshidi's number on his phone without loosing sight of him.My eyes are still on him.

''Babe-''

''Wa re baby? That message to Rogy's phone,what does it mean?''

''Oh! Tlhe mma i'm really sorry.I wanted to send to my boyfriend.Their numbers appear the same.I'm really sorry..''

To be continued....

Been Beaten Twice As Hard(part 2)

The second story continues...

After the conversation with Tshidi i saved her number on my phone.I donno why i did that,but something inside me told me that was the right move.For future reference maybe.

And then i gues the time came that both of us couldn't take it anymore.We agreed that i move out coz co-habiting was not working anymore.We started looking for a house to rent and Rogy was gonna remain at the flat.I told my mum that things really are not fine with my relationship with Rogy.

''Are you guys fighting?''

''No mama..just that i donno what could be wrong but we are not happy anymore''

''Okay Jane..i dont care what you do with Rogy over there,but please can i have my kids back?''

I told Rogy that my mum says we should bring the kids over,in case it got worse.So that if ever it gotten much worse that we end up fighting,the kids should not see that.

On this very day we discussed on how we were gonna take the kids.We agreed that i take the kids together with the maid home and Rogy should stay behind as we didn't have enough money for both of us to go.
All the way when we were travelling,Rogy kept on calling,saying he was checking on whether everything was fine,and the kids were not giving me any wahala.Abeg..i'm saying every after 30 minutes he'll call.Up untill we reached home around six in the evening.

Later i called him and he wasn't picking the phone.I kept on trying the phone.I really hate it when i call and somebody doesn't pick the phone.At least pick and tell me you can't talk!
And then..(God forgive me) i called Tshidi's number.

''Hello'', it was her

''Let me speak to Rogy''

''Okay,hold on''

''Hello'', it was him

''Kante keeng o sa arabe mogala(why don't you pick up your phone?)''

''I didn't hear it ringing''

''Ah-ah! where is it?''

''In my pocket''

''Is it not on vibration?''

''It is''

''And you can't feel it vibrating''

Silence.

That night..i gues i slept late.I started lashing out valgue to Tshidi(i look back now and i see i shouldn't have done that).

I went back to Gabz on sunday.I remember i was having a tutorial at 3pm that day.I reached Gabz around twelve.Went home.I found Rogy's brother there,Michael.Rogy was out.I waited.I went to school.Lesson ended around 5:30pm.Then i decided to go to my aunt's place in G-west.Stayed there for a while until i gues around 7pm.Went home.

A human being is one kinda something that God created and we'll never understand how it operates you know? Rogy's flat was the last one at the top of a three storey building.So i'm starting to walk up the stairs and my heart starts pounding.Not beating but pounding.When i get to the door,the gauze one is locked,but the inside one is open.The t.v is on.The radio is on so loud.The computer is on.The kitchen lights are on.The bell iritates me but i start pressing hard on it.Still nobody answers the door.Ring.Ring.Ring.No answer.

Our bedroom was at the front so i walk to the window.I pip through.God!

I close my eyes because i was thinking that i was dreaming or seeing hallucinations.I open them to make sure.Lord! He's on top of her! I close my eyes again.I searched for the balcony wall with my hands while my eyes are still tightly closed.I lean on the wall.I open my eyes again.Good Lord! His head is in between her legs!

I turn and ran down the stairs.Exactly the way i've come.In front of the flats there's a secluded little park for kids.I go there.I sit on a swing.I start swinging it back and forth.Did i say i was crying? No! My eyes were dry.Nothing could come out of them.I close them again.I'm supposed to see darkness right? But all i see is my life with Rogy coming to an end.Everything we've built.Everything we've accomplished.
I start seeing our life back in those dark days.Our first meeting at the bar.Our first meeting after Victoria.The days we spent together at the college.Juniour.I start seeing us trying to make ends meet when i started working.Our moving from one house to the other.I see him at my hospital bed the day Jeddah came.His 25th birthday party.Our engagement.Damnnit! The ring! I opened my eyes to look at the ring.The diamonds emplanted on it sparkle at the hit from the streets lights.I raised my head to look at the house.That house.It was mine a coupla hours ago.But now the next minutes i'll be walking out of it for good!

I climbed down from the swing and started walking to the house again.When i look inside the house,she's there.Sitting at the computer,playing solitaire.I press the bell.Rogy comes from the rooms to answer the door.I greet her.Did i say i greeted her? Oh yes i did.I proceeded to 'our' bedroom.I found him in the kids' bedroom,on top of a chair,adjusting the lights there which haven't been working for a while now.

''What are you doing there?'', i asked him

''I'm putting in the lights for you in this bedroom''

''For who?''

''For you,can't you see i've got a visitor?, you are goinno use this bedroom for tonight''.

Bloggin' Not Over Yet...

Hope errybade had a great weekend.Me? Oh! i decided to general clean my little cottage.Do away with things i don't wanna see anymore,letters i dont wanna read anymore,pictures i don't wanna look at anymore.And gues what? i bumped into a letter i got from Ernest some years ago.I didn't believe it when i saw it dated 06-02-'98.So i can keep something this long? Well i got rid of it too.

It has come this other time of the month that i hate to bits.Busiest week of all.Taxpayers will be coming in,so guys i'll be out for a while,duty has called.I'll come back on monday to update or rather write the last stanzas of Been Beaten Twice As Hard(part 2).You should look forward to reading that one because thats where Miss Jay got really violent-i nearly killed someone that night.Watch out for that column!

In the mean time..i was expecting comments for the last two posts.I had posted them before but had to take them out for edition.Now they are in.Feast your eyes while i do what i'm being paid for this side...until then..ciaaooo!

Been Beaten Twice As Hard(part 2)

(I know,i know,i know okay? That i promised i was gonna post this yesterday.But our server was down,so i couldn't.Hope i'm forgiven)

When i was told that i was going to spend the night in the bedroom the kids used,i didn't know what to say.i was leaning by the door,and my head erked a little to my right shoulder,supported on the wall.I'm looking at Rogy and thinking whether this guy is out of his mind or not.Mind you i haven't been to 'our' bedroom yet.So got near to him and held on to his thigh,coz he was on top of a chair adjusting the bulb.I held on to his thigh,pressed it so hard.The tears started rolling.So fast.And i was going, ''babe please!''..said out loud and yet just a whisper.He pushed me away.Got down from the chair and walked past me saying, ''you heard me right?''

I heard the bathroom door opening and i went into their bedroom.It was their bedroom now.I found her bag and a small one on the bed.I donno what gotten into me there.I took the two bags,rushed outside and threw them down from top floor.I went back inside the house,straight to the bedroom again.There was a large scissors we used to trim the hedge while we were staying at some place we rented in Ramotswa.So i'm taking this scissors and headed for the sitting room.I meet him half way on the passage.He's from the bathroom.He holds me and we fight for the scissors.He's going like, ''Jane what do you think you wanna do?''

We are fighting for the scissors all the while and i said, ''dammnit! leave me alone!''
I was gonna kill that girl.I let go of the scissors and ran for her.She had plaited some dreads with wool.So i grab her by the dreads and pulled her from the chair.Heading for the door,she's screaming.That girl was very light oh,coz i picked her up like i was picking one of my kids.Don't ask me where i got the strength,coz i donno.So we are out in the balcony neh? I wanna drop her down there like i dropped her bags! Her screams get into me and i put a really hard slap on her face.I tell her, ''shut up bitch!''.I donno how i managed to pick her up.Her head is facing down,and just when i was to let her go down there,Rogy comes in fast and grabs her legs! I punched Rogy too on the face! Coz i was just accomplishing my mission and he disturbed me! God i wanted that b-,that girl to die.

I rushed passed the kitchen,took out my phone and i'm calling the police.

''You guys should come to the house now,coz i'm gonna kill someone.Come to the house right now!'' am shouting neh? ''i found a girl in the house and if you guys don't come right now,you'll fine her dead''

''Yes maam..how are you?''

''Don't ask me how i am! I'm saying come to the house right now! There's a woman in MY house!''

''Hey madam..can you please slow down?''

''Slow down? did you say i should slow down? Somebody is sleeping in my house and you telling me to slow down?''

''What really is going on there?''

''I'm saying i found a girl in my house and i want you guys to come over before i kill her.Plot 26109,block E flat 29!''

''Look,can you people sit down and talk about whatever is going on there.We are very tired of dealing with passion killings these days we don't want to work on another one.Please sit down with your boyfriend and talk about that.''

This guy pissed me off completely.I was very furious.I was shaking.I was sweating.I wanted to cry at the same time.But i couldn't.

I go back into the house.She's sobbing and he's doing the comforting.I called my mum.Told her what was happening and she asked me to call my aunt in G-west.I call my aunt and she told me to come over.

When i left the house i told him...''pack all my stuff,i'll come pick them tomorrow....

''He Will Always Go Back''

On a usual sunny morning,i had just finished doing what i always do on this particular day.Emptying the washen basket,cleaning the house,washing the dishes and sitting back to catch my breath.It so happened that my mind started drifting,to way back when i was still at school:

''Jane''

''Yeah girlfriend?''

''What do men really take us for?''

''Ah-ah! Tia! Do i look like i know? Abeg!,I thought you were studying there? Please,gimme a break,i'm studying over here!''

''I mean,somebody can just look you in the eyes and confidently tell you that they just wanna have a sex relationship with you,you know? Like a fling.And still tell you that they've got a girlfriend,and that you and him shouldn't get emotional in the process! Can you believe that?''

I took off my reading glasses,put my pen down on the opened book,and turned to look at her, ''I can believe that alright! And still i ask myself why women cannot say a big NO to that!..by the way..why're you asking?''

''Thing's-you can't say no!''

''Ah-ah! Tia,what's difficult in saying no?''

''So many reasons i gues.You don't wanna get involved,you are sexually starved,you need an opposite sex's company sometimes,blah blah blah,you know? that kinda thing..''

''So,if you feel that way about it,why then again does it feel like you're against it?''

''Because,there won't be anything like 'not getting emotional'-''

''Tia! have you been having a...what did you call it?..a fling?''

''Something like that''

''God! Tia!''

''What? please abeg,don't Tia me.I was lonely okay? Whatever i wanted to get started with Walter didn't work out you know that.I was lonely Jay.You donno how it's like-''

''Oh! My God! When was this?''

''Some weeks ago''

''And you never talked about it?''

''How was i? It was outta the way.You were gonna criticise me.That one i know...eish...i know i stooped so low Jay and i regret it,God knows how much i regret ever having that.''

''Then what happened?''

''I called it off''

''Why?''

''Because i was getting attached to the guy''

''What did he say?''

''That i should not try and fall for him.That i should try and hold my feelings back.He kept on reminding me that he's got a girlfriend.And that he loved her that much.And that we should both stick to what we agreed upon.No emotions-what we were having was a no strings attached thing.I was falling for him Jay.He said he could sense it in the way i responded to his love making-''

''You already fucked him? Good Lord! Tia!''

''Aaaagg! Jane,stop reminding me of my name.I know what i did was wrong okay?.I called it off now,aren't you happy for me? Ah-ah! relax now,i aint seeing the bloody guy anymore,and i won't have a thing like that anymore coz right now i feel so Godammn used.My self esteem,my dignity,are all gone-''

''Why didn't you tell me? I thought we talked about anything and everything?''

''I know girlfriend.Like i said i knew you were gonna criticise me.You had your P.S(Perfect Stranger) to talk to on the internet and i had none.I was kinda lonely you know?.Even though it was short lived,it was better than nothing at all...''

The Perfect Stranger.I haven't met the guy as yet.I just have his pictures.And some funny other ones that i love so much.He's in the U.K now and we'll be meeting eye ball to eye ball in May,like next month end.I haven't told Tia about it too.It scares the hell outta me coz i donno what she'll say about it.I'm so nervous now that the days are drawing nearer.I know a little about him.His family,but basically about him.At one point i had wanted to know a lot about him.I asked questions but i was told that,some of the things i wouldn't wanna know.So i decided to just keep it that way.What i don't know won't hurt me.
I haven't concluded anything though,just told myself to go with the flow.I gues i know more than there is to know about internet dating and i'm not gonna have my hopes high on this one in case i get disappointed.But you know how it's like now(like in Games Men Play-nigerian movie),it's so easy to fall in love with somebody on the internet and-.

''Jane? Are you there?''

''Ermmm..yah,yah i am.So did your fling guy object to your decision or not?''

''I gues not.He said something like,in whatever decision i take,i should make sure i don't get hurt in the process.''

''So..how are you?''

''No...i'm fine,you know?...i gues i'll be fine..''

''Now when you repeat the word fine like that i know you are not fine.But...well..anyway...i hope you'll be fine o!.Though one thing you should know girlfriend,is that all these little boys who tell you they just wanna have a fling with you,they'll always go back to their girlfriends.It's the same with married men.They'll give you everything you want,anything you want,anytime you want it,but the bottom line is,they'll always go back to their wives.All they'll do is expand you,keep on expanding you and expand you even more.If you are not careful with how you go about with all these your flings,the guy who's gonna marry you won't find anything left down there! You know what i'm talking about right?''

Reminding Me Of Where I Come From(phase one)

This picture was taken two months ago.You still remember this story Now You Know Why Right? Well that's the girl in the story.Like i said,she's my friend.Afterall why would i chose a casanovar over my friend? Don't mind my attire: i love mixing black with white...and i love the Zebra animal too.

On saturday i watched one Nigerian movie called Super Love,starring my all time favourites-Ramsey Nouah Jnr and Genevieve Nnaji.It's about an orphan who was taken into custody by one man who had two daughters of his own.So this orphan acted most parts like Cinderella,you know like,she was doing everything in the house,from cooking to sweeping the compound,from fetching the water at the stream to doing all the household chores all alone.The two sisters(step-sisters) did nothing apart from complaining that their food is not ready,there's no water for them to bath,you know all those things Cinderella was going through.

So one day the Prince came to the village,and it was his time to get married,so all the village girls were invited to perform a funny dance in front of him so that he could chose a wife.Gues by now you know the whole story to the end right? All these Nigerian movies are obvious when you are not even half way through.
Well,watching the entire movie,took me to how my life used to be when i was growing up.I donno how old the orphan in that movie was,but i gues i was about 11 years old,when things like that happened to me.I gues i was old enough to even remember them now.
I stayed with my mum during my first 5 years.She remained in Gabz while i went to stay with her married elder sister in Orapa.I think she was trying to make something if not anything out of life for her and i.She came to check on me everytime she got the chance.I don't remember seeing much of her during those years.Well,like they say,what goes around,comes around.But at least now i get the chance to see my kids every month end and it's already in them that at month end,mummy is in.The only difference(and a challenge for that matter) was that,my mum had to fend for only one child,and me-i'm fending for 3.Gues it wasn't hard for my mum those times,but i'm not saying it's hard for me either.It's just that sometimes i wish i could make things much easier for me,you know?,for my mum,for the kids...

My mum usually tells me that i worry too much,but i always tell her that i feel all this is too much for her.Sometimes i wish i could also take part in bathing the kids in the evening(which i get to do only when its a month end and i've gone to check on them,which is just two evenings),you know,tuck them up in bed,help Vicky with her homework,prepare her lunch box in the morning and take her half way to school,you know?,those kinda things.But my mum is doing all that.Next year Rodgers is goinno be starting his first grade.It'll be my mum who'll take him on his first day at school.She's the one who took Vicky on her first day at school.I know how important these days are to kids,and i wish i could be doing all that,you know?

Well,i console myself in that,by the time they are teenagers,this blog will still be here to show them that i wanted to do what my mum is doing for them right now!

What am i talking about? Damn! I'm supposed to be telling you guys how that movie reminds me of where i come from.
My mum's sister was married, then.Now,divorced with 6 children.When i was still staying with them back in those years,when i was still at primary school,i remember i was doing standard 5,and my mum had just gotten a new job somewhere in Gabz,so she had come to drop me off at my aunt's to resume her new job.I remember crying when she left Orapa for Gabz,and when my cousins(aunts' kids) asked me why i was crying, i told them that my head was aching.But i wanted my mum.I missed her already!

Reminding Me Of Where I Come From(phase two)

On a lousy working saturday,in front of our offices.Don't look at me,look at the legs!


My mum's sister(whom i'll call aunt even though she's older than my mum-should be grandma right?) is a very nice person.But her husband! Eish! i never complained though.Just decided to let things flow like that,because my mum was far far away.

In that family,two of my aunt's kids(the last two) where the only ones left who were still going to school,and then i included made it three.We had a maid,but she was not allowed to do some other things.I remember one time my aunt's husband saying he doesn't see any reason why a maid should be hired because i could do everything in the house.I made sure that all the three lunch boxes were ready before we went to bed.I ironed all the uniforms,i polished all the shoes everyday.If one of my cousins complained in the morning about anything,i was gonna recieve a thrashing of my life before boarding a bus to school.I had to make sure their hair was combed fine before we left,their socks brightly washed white.I did this everyday.God! I was only 11! When my classmates went for swimming lessons in the afternoons,i wouldn't go.(that orphan in the movie was not allowed to go for the dance thing at the palace).Luckily enough i was very smart in that i managed to grab things quick.I managed to know how to swim,better than the other students even though i never attended afternoon lessons.I represented my school in swimming galas every year-and i have three certificates to show for that-best in backstroke,fastest in freestyle,best in breathstroke,treading water for more than one minute,i even remember coming second in dolphin-we called it butterfly...

I didn't have time to watch cartoons.In those days,we used to talk about what we watched on t.v the folowing day at school and if you didn't take part in the discussion you were a nobody.Those days i remember the only soap we used to watch was Santa Barbara.Can you imagine..standard 5 pupils discussing Cruz and Genah?

That wasn't all.you had to have also watched The Chimpmunks,Rampazel,Sleeping Beauty,Snow White and the 7 Dwarves,The Poison Apple,The Smurfs..oh God!..and The Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles where my favourite was Michael-Angelo,Little Red Riding Hood,Rumpelstilskin,the list is endless.And the cartoons were in at 3pm to 5pm.By these time i'll either be doing the laundry,or maybe baking bread or scones to take to school in the morning.I'll be in the kitchen while my cousins will be watching in the living room.I became a stork of mockery at school because i never took part when my classmates talked about the last episode of Santa Barbara.

I can go on and on about how i was treated in my early years,but i also know that i can't undo what's been done.Oh! yes and i remember one time i wrote a letter to my mum.I dont quiet remember what happened with the letter.God! i was only 11! What did i understand about being ill-treated?..but i gues i understood something coz it stayed within me for all these years right?

I moved to Serowe when my mum got promoted to go head one of the Furn Mart branches that was to be opened there in 1995.I was 15 by that time,and i was all smiles when i realised that for the first time in so many years i'll be staying with my mum.Couldn't wait! But if i had known that she was gonna stay and marry her husband(i'm supposed to say my father right?),i wouldn't have moved from O/town,because that guy made life a living hell for my mum and i! God! When was this gonna end? But hey...that's a story for another day...

Reminding Me Of Where I Come From(the last stanza)

My aunt and her husband.I still visit them in O/town whenever i get the chance.Though divorced they still visit each other and all.I've looked so deep into my heart and i know i haven't forgiven them for how they treated me.If they couldn't bring me up why didn't they just tell my mum? Rather than putting on a smile and saying, ''yeah it's okay,we'll look after her''.I mean,my mum would've thought of something..you know...she would've come up with something.She always did.
I know they don't remember a thing about all of it,they don't even remember how they used to buy clothes and xmas presents just for their kids and not include me.It was xmas for crying out loud! Kids always treasure what they were bought for xmas!,and always look forward to talking about it!,and not getting anything will remain a permanent scar within them!

But,like i said they've forgotten.These days i'm the one they think about when they need financial handouts.My aunt's husband was admitted in hospital the other time,and i had to take my precious time from work to care for him.Nobody from his family was there to do that.His first born stays in Gabz,but she never even once gone to check on him.The wife stayed back in O/town and never came.The mistress also never came.So i had to be there for him 24/7.His whole family gotten to know how he was doing through my phone.They called to ask how he was doing.
I'll forgive them one day,but i'll also still continue on helping them out wherever they need my help(blood is thicker than water right? no matter how deep the colour).
Those cousins of mine,the ones i used to do everything for,none of them went for tertiary or is working.They didn't even do well at high school.It's not that i'm like, ''yah,serves them right''.But,it's just that i want people to know that everything we do,God's watching.I'm not even saying i haven't done wrong,i've wronged some people too,and have hurt a lot,but i'll be punished in the rightful way i deserve.

The female one is 24 now and has got two daughters,the other time she asked me if she could bring her kids over to stay with my mum.I told her the load i'm carrying is way too much for me-3 kids,my mum,my other cousin who's staying with my mum.I couldn't afford another bunch.She started cursing me and telling me that i think i'm somebody!(am i not?..lol..)..God!..i took care of her when she was growing up! Now she wants me to take care of her kids too? Thats too much now!

Her brother is 22 and staying in Francistown with some relatives.Last i heard of him,he was collecting money from his father to give to his girlfriend who was schooling full time in the University.I just swallowed my pride,went to see him in F/town,looked him in the eyes and told him to stop what he was doing!
''That girl is getting an allowance goddamnit!,and you are here collecting money from your father to give to her? For what? What does she need money for? Oooor!''..i was looking at him up and down, ''so you told her you are Barclays bank keh?..i see!..i look through those jeans you are wearing and see you are not putting on any underwear,and you are here pouring financial handouts to somebody who doesn't even know your last name!''...i was trying to fight for him because..truth be told..i still felt i was his sister you know?..and that i had to do something about the situation he was in..

Can you believe that my mum's other elder sister who stays right here in Gabz used to make me pay rent for one of her rooms i was using? Thats why i had to move from her place to go find an apartment of my own coz i couldn't stand paying my very own aunt who sleeps in my bed when she's visiting in Serowe! I would rather pay somebody else! Now,the company i'm working for is constructing houses for accomodation to its employees,i've heard her daughter saying that she's gonna stay with me! Can you believe that? And i used to have a feeling she was the one who told her mother to make me pay for the room! Now she says she'll be staying with who? At whose house? (hisssss)...

Wondering how i'm feeling when writting this?..well..i'm fine..I'm listening to Kelly Clarkson's 'Breakaway'

I Didn't Know It Hurt

There's a saying that goes what goes around,comes around.Somebody should have imagined how i felt when i found that she was communicating with 'my boyfriend'(my X now) behind my back.She should have put herself in my shoes and felt how i felt when i read the messages she was sending back and forth with the so called boyfriend.
She told me that somebody told her that i wrote about her in my blog,but didn't tell me who.She did that after our conversation through sms-ing:

''Ao! my friend,so i had thought when you put that PICTURE of me and you in your blog,you cared about me,kante you wrote stuff about me?''

''It's not that i don't care.I write everything that i go through in my life at my blog.That was one of those things i had to write about.''

''But that really hurt me.To find out that you wrote that about me.''

''How do you think i felt when i found out that you were communicating with Smarh(the guy's name that he uses in music industry)? I was so shocked to even ask you about it.So you didn't know that your phone was auto-archiving? I found out all the messages you were sending to him,and the ones he was sending to you.How du think i felt?''

''Well,it's okay''

''Yeah..it's okay.Coz i found out Smarh is just a good-for-nothing-murthaf...!
That's why i chose to remain your friend.Thats why i chose you over him.To me you'll always be that kinda friend,but i'll never allow you anywhere near anyone i'll ever date!''

Did i tell you that when P.S was here she kept on sending me messages,asking me to update her on how it's going with P.S. But like i said i knew my boundries where she was concerned.I never told her anything! She wanted to know a lot of stuff.Stuff that i can't even write here due to my devoted respect for Perfect Stranger.

Well..last week she asked for my blog address,i told her to go check out my eDumela profile.I gues she did,and she's gonna read this.Lets wait and see if she's gonna confront me about it or leave any comment coz i gues she visits my blog everytime now.
The story i wrote is HERE for you to read.

So it does hurt ehh?...well..i didn't know.I had thought some people never get hurt,no matter how much they hurt others.

Aaaaaggg! I'm not even supposed to spoil my month as it's my birthday next week monday.Well...i'm still overwhelmed with what P.S got for my birthday.I was supposed to open it on 18th June,but i gues i just couldn't wait.Well i even needed to open the present at Khama Rhino coz what i got was A DIGITAL CAMERA!,which is the one i used to take the pictures.

To Perfect Stranger....I donno if saying ''thank you very much'' will be enough.To me,it doesn't sound enough...i'm...i'm really grateful.It's like you knew how much i wanted that kinda camera.I'll see you later...

I Got Tagged-Again

I was tagged by Dolly.

But i was once Tagged,even though it was on a different topic.

---------------------------

Rules are:

* Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

* People who are tagged need to write posts in their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.

* At the end of your post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

---------------------------------------

1.I can swim

2.I'm tryina learn how to cook. (P.S knows better)

3.I am an only child with three kids.

4.I'm short-tempered

5.When my mind is made up,i can't change it.(There was a time when i had made up my mind that i was gonna get the kids new bicycles.That month we went on without food coz i used all the money to buy the bicycles)

6.I didn't change my surname when my mum got married,because i hated the guy my mum was married to.

7.I love my peace.I love my own space.Thats why i dont allow visitors.

8.I wish i had a financial advisor coz i can't control the way i use money.I do overspend.

Now i'm tagging:
-calabar gal
-Everyone loves a Naija girl
-Ubong Da
-Ugo Daniels
-Perfect Stranger
-Diary of a Gee
-Ijeoma
-Fearther

Oh No!..Will It Be Fair?

With effect from today the Ministry of health can not afford to secure pregnancy prevention tablets, hence from now on, all men with three children at most must attend to the Vasectomy clinic as our population has reached the 2million threshold.

Okay,to control the rate at which the population is going,it is good to limit the number of kids into each family,but the method used above is just cruelty at its best! Just look at how that woman nurse is holding the 'tosso'.

Things That Go Around In My Mind...

-Am i really good at listening?

-Am i really a good listener?

-Am i really a good advisor?

-Will somebody listen to me when the time comes?

-Will anybody gimme a good advise when i need one?

-Why do people think that i don't have problems of my own?

-Why does everybody think that i have everything i need?

-Why do people think that i don't have feelings?

-Why does everybody think that i don't get hurt?

-Why can't Sword forget about us and move on?

-Why can't i have my peace with Perfect Stranger?

-Why do i pray everyday for God to lead my way,and i can't seem to get to where i'm going?

-How do i get to convince people that i've passed through every route of infidelity,hurt and deceipt just like every soul walking this earth?

-When will i stop thinking and wondering?

-When will Sword understand that Perfect Stranger makes me whole?

-When will Sword know that now there's no turning back?

-When will he know that saying all those things about me and Perfect Stranger won't change the way i feel?

-Why is it hard to let go?

-What is it i've done that cannot be forgotten?

God....why?

Matters Of The Heart

-I saw him standing by the door way

-I wanted to close my eyes but i couldn't

-He was leaning against the doorframe

-Hands folded up his broad chest

-His blue eyes piecing through to me

-I asked him to come to bed,but he declined

-He could see that i was really tired and wanted to sleep,but he just stood there.

-I couldn't take it no more

-Suddenly i closed my eyes

-Then i felt his movement

-He was coming towards me

-I felt him kneel down by the bedside

-With my head laying on the white pillow,eyes closed
-I said to him, ''you are not supposed to be here''

-He just smiled and placed his hand on my head

-Stroking my ear, he said, '' i know''

-''So what are you doing here?'' I asked him

-''Nothing!''

-''oooh okay..'' still in my sleep...

-After a very long silence

-''Happy birthday Princess''

-I've heard that word-Princess-before

-I jumped from my sleep

-Only to realise it was just a dream

-But it was a Perfect dream!

-------------------------------------------------------

My sincere gratitudes to my mum.

Thanx for the sms this morning.I know your birthday is coming this saturday.Hope to be with you then.

Tswana Guy-aka-T.G-i'm grateful too for the birthday wish this morning.Means a lot to me.A great lot.

My Neighbour's Gone...But I'm Still Here

I attended a neighbour's funeral this saturday and it was an unsightly scene to be around,especially when the coffin was going down.People were wailing like there's no tomorrow.Okay,this guy was a very close friend of mine.His family and mine had been close knit since we moved to this ward in 1994.Their yard is next to ours.They are very good people.When my stepfather passed away in 2002,i didn't worry about my mum that much coz i knew they'll look after her while i came back to Gabz.And they used to look after Vicky when i was back at college,and when my mum was still working then.

But when i was told the monday morning of my birthday(monday June 18) that this guy was found hanging in their backyard,i freaked out at first coz he wasn't the kind of guy who'll do that kinda thing.He was a very quiet guy.Never hurt anyone.Couldn't even hurt a fly.Well i didn't even cry too.I donno...it's not easy for me to cry over someone who's passed on.I remember i didn't cry at my stepfather's funeral.When my aunt told me that morning that my stepdad is late i was like, ''really?''..i donno...maybe it's bcoz i didn't really like this guy.
Nothing of the sort is known why this guy had to hang himself.Usually people who do this leave notes or something,but he didn't.MAY HIS SOUL REST IN PEACE....

----------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes i wonder how one can respond to a guy's proposal without hurting his feelings.I must admit i can be really rude sometimes when it comes to these sort of things.But they(guys) can also be rude to us at times.The following are some of the exchange words i've had with the so called sooters.

1. A whistle
Please don't whistle at me.I am not a dog.Usually when this happens i'll just walk without even looking.And then you'll hear them swearing at you.''who the hell du think you are?', ''maybe i was your chosen one'', ''i was only doing you a favour'', ''you'll never get a guy calling at you''. Is that how to call someone?


2.''Err...sorry?''
Ee, ke eng?''..meaning..''yes? what?''

3.I'll be walking along the road,and seeing guys maybe playing their cards or drinking,and then when i pass by,i'll hear, ''Exee Florence?,Betty?,Felicity?,Sister Bertinah?''..all sorts of names.I donno..maybe they'll be trying to gues your name or something.But i don't usually answer to this nonsense.I'll just walk without looking.

4.Just yesterday i was at the taxi rank,and one taxi driver approached me and said, ''eish..madam..when i look at you i get goosy pimples''..mxem!..can you imagine? I neally insulted him if not for one guy i knew as our customer.He came to talk to me and it so happened that this bloody taxi driver knew him too.He said to the other guy, ''tlhe monna tell this girl that i love her.Eish...i'm even shaking''.I looked at him(the taxi driver) from toe to head then got into the taxi.

5.''Please,just say yes? I promise i'll buy you a train.And then get the railway on credit.Please? Just for you?''
..lol...wishfull thinkers!

And many many more.....

The other problem is how to tell a guy that you and him just can't go out without hurting his feelings.Or to tell him that you don't love him anymore without hurting his feelings.Or to tell him politely,that he ain't just your type.How do one consider his feelings?

Guys And Girls...Why Do They Cry?

Guys cry because...

1. Girls screw them over...
2. They just got hit in the balls...
3. They're about to die...
4. Their heart is broken..
5. They smoked a lot of weed...
6. Because they are true men.

******

GIRLS:If you see a guy crying, hug him close and hold him up as he
gets over the pain of getting kicked in the nuts. Tell him he's not going
to die, and if he's crying over a girl... hug him and kiss him and let
him know you won't screw him over and break his heart like the last
girl did.(when do i tell him this? while we going out or what?) Guys just want to know that girls will be there for them to support them when they need them,and help them get their mind off the pain of heartbreak, getting kicked in the balls, and knowing they're gonna die.


Girls cry because...

1. They're sad...
2. They're scared...
3. They're nervous...
4. They're frustrated...
5. They're missing someone...
6. They're alone...
7. They're PMSing...
8. They're pregnant..
9. Their heart is broken...
10. They're in love...
11. Their souls have been torn...
12. THEY MET A BOY THEY CANT HAVE...
13. They fell in love with a boy...
14. They hurt so bad inside...
15. They're mad...
16. Something bad happend...
17. JUST BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE CRYING

******

BOYS:If any girl you know is crying and you see them, don't just stand
there and say you're sorry.
Hold them and tell them everything will be okay, even if you have no
idea what is wrong with them.
Girls just want to be held and know that someone cares about them.

I cry when...

1.Watching those Naija movies
2.Watching Vicky show Rodgers how to write his name
3.Watching Jeddah try to make a point in a discussion
4.When i think about Perfect Stranger
5.Looking at my mum tryina read an sms in her phone,i think she's gonna have problems with her eyes
6.Watching The Bold and the Beautiful
7....i'm happy...

When do you cry?

Fighting For An Innocent Soul

Yesterday was very cold. I had attended a seminar at Maharaj about Performance Review in a workplace. I left the conference center around 5pm and headed for the salon to do my hair, which has been the same style since Perfect Stranger left. The salon-Head Masters, where I do my hair is run by 8 Nigerian guys (two who do retouches, two barbers, two who plait, and two more who do the hair-washing).Its one of the best hair-do outlets ever to happen in this country, even TV personalities are once in while seen doing the rounds there. So I found Kajos on one lady, but he was about to finish. So I made myself comfortable in one chair there and awaited my turn.

No one touches my head except Kajos.The guy’s so good with his hands on my head.Ha! I nearly dozed off when he was massaging my head after taking out the rollers.He’s also an expert at applying make-up,did I mention he even trimmed my eyebrows? If you look closely in this picture you’ll be able to see that my eyebrows are trimmed. I don’t like it though,just did that to try it out,but it pissed me off when I came to realize that I had to pay for that,apart from paying for the hairdo,not at the counter,but give him the money without anyone seeing!

I gues now you’ll understand why I can’t hire the applicants who brought forward their applications to be my financial advisors? 1.They are Nigerians( I mean the applicants) and 2.One Nigerian is already ripping me off this side.Well,at least he does my hair real good.Did I mention he even suggested I do hair treatment? I asked why and he said bcoz I just finished taking it out,so it needed some vitamins and all.What is hair treatment? Mind you I also had to pay separately for that! Somebody’s here to make money oo! I gues you are wondering how much I had to end up paying after all that ehh? Ha! I hadn’t buggeted for the trimming and the treatment! The FNB money machine is just near the salon!

I got to my house at exactly 7pm, in time for the 7 o’clock news. I started heating the water coz I normally take my bath before sitting in front of the t.v. If I don’t bath then,I never will.I had just finished pouring the bath foam when my phone rang. Tia’s name appeared on the screen.

‘’Hey girl wassup?’’

**sniff,sniff**..on the other line

‘’Look Tia,I’ve just ran my bath,stop mumbling and say something.My water’s gonna get cold tlhe mma!’’

‘’I’m getting rid of it Jane!’’

‘’What? You are getting rid of what Tia?’’

**sobs,sobs,sobs**

Oh my God! What do I do now?..’’okay,okay Tia I’m coming over right now okay? Just don’t move an inch.I’m just gonna take a very quick bath then come okay?’’

Dammnit! What could be wrong with this girl? We hadn’t been able to meet for the past few days,but we did communicate through phones.She hadn’t told me she was having any problems.What the hell could she be talking about? I mean,we been friends since high school,she can’t hide anything from me,we talked about anything,and everything,she ain’t the kinda person to hide things from me.Why don’t I know now what she’s talking about?

I called the cab that I normally use,and bcoz the cabs usually take 20 to 30 minutes before coming in,I decided to take that quick bath.The problem was the procedure I use for my face,using the lemon products-the lemon fruit itself,lemon bathing soap,lemon face wash and the lemon face cream.I just finished putting on my sweater when I heard the cab horn blow outside.

It took the taxi less than 20 minutes to reach Tia’s house.She leaves on the other part of town called Mogoditshane,thank God by the time we were driving there weren’t that much traffic,so I managed to make it to Tia’s in no time.While on the way so many questions were running around in my head,asking myself what really could Tia have meant.I was brought to reality when we passed by The Grand Palm Resort.Thats where I came to see my babe for the first time exactly one month ago.And then when we passed Millenium Estate,I remembered coming to check on one of my cousins with Perfect Stranger.

‘’Tia?..open the door Tia,it’s me!’’..i wasn’t knocking,I was practically banging on the door.

Holy God! This girl? What has she done to herself? A solemn face, bloodshot eyes, non-stop running nose?

‘’Tia?’’..she had buried her face in her lap.Didn’t even look up at me when I came inside the house.She was still crying.

‘’Godammnit! Tia what is it?’’

‘’I’m pregnant’’

‘’Oh my God! Really? Ooooh! Babe I’m so proud of you! Is that why you crying? Ooooh! Look at what tears of joy has done to you?...Ooooh! my darling Tia!...Wow!..i’m so happy for you girl…welcome to the club then…oooh I’m so happy!...this calls for a celebration,what have you got in your cabinet?’’..i stood up,dancing to just the quietness of the room..singing, ‘’My girl’s gonna have a baby,My girl’s gonna have a baby!..ta ta ta ta ta…talalalalalala’’

Resuming my seat with a bottle of coke and two glasses, I asked, ‘’how far have you gone?’’

‘’Just a month’’…still with a buried face.

‘’Wow! That’s so much calls for another celebration coz that’s a baby now,complete with limbs,hair,nails,toes,fingers and all.So what is it? Boy or girl?...oooh I’m so excited.’’

‘’Jane! Will you stop that? Do you know what this means?’’

‘’What means what?’’