The Moral Of The Story

Slamming the domitory door behind me,i went to my bed,dropped my books on there and sat down.The silence was so deafning,like you could hear the sound of a pin falling.

''So how long are you gonna go on like that? huh?...blaming yourself for something you got no control over?...did you have any idea that we are gonna write the test tomorow?...did you have the idea that you won't be able to go Cape Town tomorrow?...c'mon Tia! don't be mad at your self for this..please!''

She pipped through her sheets to look at me.I gave her an understanding look.''Don't even start with me Jane,i didn't bother you like this when you got roudy with Edwin.So please just live me alone okay?'', she abruptly covered herself again with the sheets.

''This is not about me and Edwin okay Tia?,i softly said, ''It's about you and that Walter guy.So get a life girl and face it! Don't even try and hide behind what went on between me and Edwin.Your case is way too different okay?''

After a very long while,''Do you remember when you had a fight with Edwin?'',she said this still under the sheets, ''after he found out about your kids you hid from him? Do you remember how you spent all those days not going for lectures and all? That's exactly how am feeling right now.I feel like....I feel like just dying you know Jane?...Good God! why is this happeneing to me? Oooooh!''

''Look! stop saying that and let's think of what to do make your Walter guy understand okay? lets think of that now before it's too late.''

We went to the computer lab to send Walter another email bcause i told Tia that the only way is to write him and tell him that She'll come the following weekend.Just to make him see that sometimes there things we cannot control.That sometimes we just have to live with whatever comes our way.We were just goinno try that,coz i never tried to talk with Edwin after our ordeal and it felt so bad i didn't want Tia to go through that as i knew how it felt.

Daddy Please:

You donno what you are doing to me when you behave like that.The fact that i wont be able to come just kills me inside and to see you do that to me kills me even more.How was to know that there's gonna be a test coming? why cant you see that i didnt know? why are you doing that to me? You want me to believe what? that every time we are supposed to meet somethings comes up? shud i believe that maybe God doesnt want us to meet? that whatever we want to do is not rite? that we shud call it off? i cant do that because i've already given my heart to you.

i know that things like this do come up in a relationship and in a way God is testing our patience,whether we'll be able to wait for one another.What's so difficult in waiting for me? i've waited for you for as long as i can remember.Why cant you do that? And not think that i dont wanna see you.That i'm doing this deliberately.I am waiting to see you Walter and i wish you cud do that too.

Anyway...my love for you is as true as the colour of my skin...and i know in God's eyes i'm doing the rite thing in telling you everything that i feel is rite.Hope you cud do that too.

Sorry i cant call coz i dont have enough airtime,but i'll call you sometime.

Bye

Chii! jare,that was something! If that bloody Nigerian guy won't call my roommate, then i'm gonna tell her to just let it go because i could just see how crazy she was about the guy.It reminded me of the first times we used to talk with Edwin.I will be there all day,glued to the computer and not wanting to move.We were always online and if i didn't see him there i'll be so damn frustrated i would become moody.Well that was that in those good old days gone by.

After a couppla hours, Walter called Tia and they talked.They agreed that Tia come the following week friday.''This time no buts,i want you down here okay?'' Walter said to Tia.

God's gr8!

I cant seem to stop thanking this 'guy' everyday that i see.He seems to do things in a way we don't usually get to take time to digest and see what he really wanna say to us.

I usually say that i understand when God wants to show us some way,but today!...just today.I realised He wants to say something to me.He wants to show me something.I've heard Dear Lord,and i've seen the way!

Talking about the call i recieved last nite-around...say 01:15am.

Okay.....

The 3 Stoogies

When i look at the way they play with others
The way they concentrate on t.v
The way Jeddah and Jnr pay attention
When Vicky shows them how to write their names
I can see that my 3 stoogies are goinno excell at school

Well i aint counting the chicks as yet, but it
Gives me a smile everytime i look at them trying to play school
Vicky being the teacher
Recently i bought each one of them a school bag,pencil,rubber,cryons,sharpener and a book
And they are using them wisely
They know that a tree should be coloured green
And a cow should be coloured either brown or black and all the rest

Sometimes i wish they could have also inherited their fathers' intelligence
(sorry to a lot of people,but i have to bring this one in)
Vicky's dad is a software engineer
Jnr's dad is a civil engineer
Jeddah's dad is a science teacher
If they can have those brains together with mine
I'll know my kids will go somewhere
I'll know that education will take them somewhere

Oooops! i just remembered that
I have to take that film,of pictures of them i took over xmas,
To the studio for development
Can't wait to see them pictures
The pictures of my 3 little stoogies...

The Story Without A Moral

Using my access card through the varsity library main entrance, i hurried past the security guard saying my hi's along the hallway.I was meeting Tiane at 2 o'clock at our usual corner to revise for the test we were writting tomorow, and i was already 30 minutes late.Tia is very good at keeping time and i'm very bad at that.Anyway it didn't bother me because i knew if she's there already,she'll probably be chatting to that Nigerian guy she met online a coupla months back.

''Oh! Shit! I'm sorry i kept you waiting'', i said this putting my books on the table without looking at her. ''I had to drop Lonah's domitory key on my way.She-!'',i turned to look at Tia who had her eyes soaked with tears.

''Tia? Are you alright?''

She almost shouted at me, ''do i look alright to you? do i?...Oh! Jane'', she sobbed, ''i did it again,i scrued it up again''

''What Tia? What have you done again?''

''U know that i'm supposed to go meet Walter in Cape Town tomorow right? But now the test,Oh! God! no''. She buried her head in her hands and started crying.

''Tia...Good Lord,stop crying.'' I looked around to see if anybody was watching, ''there are people here studying,'' I whispered.
After a little while i said, ''we'll sort something out okay,stop crying.we'll send him an email to tell him why you can't make it okay girlfriend? c'mon now,pull yourself together will yah?'' I reassured her while stroking her back.

I introduced Tiane to edumela.com some months ago and since chatting with Walter she has been hooked to the thing as though her whole life depended on it.Walter is one Nigerian guy reciding in Cape Town and he and Tia had been planning to meet on several occassions and verytime Tia has to go something crops up.This even reminded me of the first time i went J'burg to meet Edwin.I was supposed to go on a friday,but postponed the journey to the following day saturday.Edwin was so cross and i felt pity for him when he told me that he spent the whole night waiting for me.I believed him coz his eyes were wary red from lack of enough sleep.

I was also supposed to see him off to Cape Town on that April day but couldn't make it.It was the 1st of that month and he even thought i was playing him April fool! Dammnit,my bag got snatched some days before and all my documents were in there including my passport so i couldn't go! Anyhow shaa!,for Tia it was suprising because everytime that something cropping up,happened to do that at the last minute.Tia was supposed to go tomorow.The lecturer just told us this morning that we have a test tomorow morning,he even apologised for telling us this late,said he forgot,and Tia cannot miss it because it's an assessment test.And if she missed it she'll have to re-sit the same course the following year.

Cape Town.I've heard from Edwin that it's a nice place.I was jealous that Tia was going Cape Town,not jealous because she's goinno meet Walter,but that she's going Cape Town and Edwin had promised to take me there sometime,but now that we are no more i'll have to save more money to get my own black ass down there.

I asked Tia to wipe her tears and get down to emailing Walter.

Eish Daddy,
I'm just from class now and the lecturer has just told us that we have an assessment test tomorow..I'll come over next week Friday.If you really love me like you say you do you'll let me write this test.I know i always tell you that am coming and then i give you a last minute shit! i know its hurting babe but if i dont write this test i'll be doomed.

I aint coming up with stories babe these bloody lecturer just told us now.Pliiiiiiiiizzzzz! I'm begging you babe please understand.Next week i wont say any excuse.I know how you feel.I know how prepared you were to meet me.

I cant wait to see you too.Just that when something like this comes up i have to abide u know.I love you Walter.Not even change of plans affect the way i feel about you.Hope you'll undestand that i HAVE to write the test.

My heart bleeds too that i was goinno see you for the first time.Please lets make it next week friday?

I love you and i hope you'll bear with me and not think otherwise.I want to see you.I want to hold you and tell you how much you mean to me.I want to whisper in your ear and let you know that without you life just aint a word with a meaning.I wanna do with you all those things we talked about.I wanna watch the stars with you at night,eat with you on the same plate,listen to our favourite song,watch our favourite movie(Nigerian movie),go with you to a club,dance with you,have that drink and hurry home to make passionate love.I still want to do that with you.We are still gonna do that when i come over next week friday!

I was hurt too when the lecturer told us that we have a test coming.I thot he was gonna say it will be at a later date.Only to find that its tomorow! Good Lord! i had an appointment with you tomorow!.

Love
Mummy.

Oh! my God! Sometimes i become so damn envious.Tia calls Walter daddy and Walter calls Tia mummy.These two are so much in love.
Tia kept on clicking her inbox for the reply and looking at her phone waiting anxiously for a call.

''Goddammnnit Tia! Let's concentrate please!. The sucker will call if the need be or email back.We got a tes-''

Tia's phone rang.It was him.

''hello?''

''You know what? I'll tell you when to come over okay? Don't ever tell me that you are coming''

''Babe please don't do that.Try and understand.I-''

''I have cancelled all my appointments knowing very well that you are coming.So what am i gonna do tomorow? How long should i go on with this? Everytime you have to come over,you tell me this has done that.You want me to believe that crap again?''

''I'm really sorry babe.I really am.I didn't-''

''I've heard that several times.Bye.''

Tia looked into thin air like she's seen a ghost. ''What is it dammnit? What did he say?''

She slowly turned her head to look at me,with tears gathering at full speed in her eyes.

''He hung up on me''

After a while,10 minutes or so,i said, ''Aaagg!,c'mon let's study.Let him go rot in hell.Nigerian boy my ass! Who the fuck does he think he is? Let him go flash his worn-out ass down the drain and leave us to study!''

''You don't understand you know that Jane? You don't understand''. She gathered her books quickly and stormed out of the library without saying a word.

''Tia!'', i whispered, ''Tia come back,Tia! We have work to do! Tia! Oh! Shit!, i followed suite!

The Little Cottage At The Back

I love this little room
All my deepest sorrows are buried in it
It's the only place that understands when i want to be alone
When i want my space,when i long for peace
I get all of that in abundance inside this little room

It's so small but it's big enough for me
In it i find solace and i am able to think my things over
Without unwanted and uninvited intruders bugging in
The only people who understand that sometimes i don't want to
Be disturbed when i've closed this little cottage's door
Are the people renting in the same compound
Only those people understand that,especially my aunt and her two kids
They gimme all the space i need
But people like I.T,Victor,Dorcas,Edwin,Hedges and all the rest don't understand that
They don't wanna see that i don't wanna be nagged

I.T and Victor with their endless visits and their endless preaching that
That i'm not supposed to lock myself in the house like that
Who are they to tell me what to do and what not
Edwin and the others with their constent phone calls
Sometimes i just look at the phone and decide not to pick up,sometimes i do
Goddammnit! i have the t.v and the radio to play if i want some noice

And i have this little cottage too to gimme all the comfort
They think and claim to know that i need
Sometimes i feel like moving from this compound to find a place
Where nobody will find me
Sometimes i even think of changing my number-but this one i will
But again this little cottage is affordable in terms of rental
And my furniture inside is so seductively laid out
I love the mangoe trees grown at the back
They gimme the kinda sound from the branches,
Moving back and forth,that soothes my soul

When its hot lik ethis time of the year,the shadows coming thru
The back windows cools it down and i'm able to
Sleep like i've never done before
This little cottage situated at the back of the yard
Holds so many fond memories of my life as a single-independent woman
Most of them are from 2005 and a little bit of them from 2006 end
That is why everywhere i go,everywhere i am
Everything i do in every word i say
My heart,mind,body and soul are always in here
When i put the key thru the door and walk right in
It's like i'm walking right into my life
Coz inside this little cottage i see the person i was before
And the person i am at the moment

I thank you my God..for the little cottage at the back...!

A Ray Of Hope

Somebody once told me that just say,
''My name is Jane,i have 3 kids,take it or fuck off''
Well...this time around i said exactly that and...
Good God! It has never felt this easy,and i've never felt this relieved
I said to myself, ''This is what i should have said from the onset!''

And then he went like, ''where is their father?''
A nagging sound at the back of my mind was going,
''Stick to the truth Jane,stick to the truth''
''Well each one of them has got its own father,but the fathers are no more,
they never stay do they?''
''Wow! Great! then can i be their father?''
Inside i was like, ''what?,God help me o!''

And then.....

The Year Ahead...!

The year that was,has just passed
And another one has just begun
Meaning that i'm gonna grow another year older
That calls for more responsibilities and more maturity
No more no's when you meant yes
Taking things slow and thinking before saying a thing..

I have made my decisions the way i hope they'll work for me this year
I don't wanna hurt anyone, i don't wanna be hurt
I've loved once,i'll never love again the same way
Well i might,but it's not gonna be the same
Oh yeah!..i wanna get my driver's licence this year

I wanna save more and get my mum a camera phone end of the year
I'm gonna help her finish that house she's started building
I'm not gonna buy furniture on credit
I'm gonna buy Vicky,Jeddah & Juniour clothes every month
so that i won't need to buy end of the year-my mum too!
Kgomotso,my neighbour,is pregnant,well i'll get her smth-and the baby too!
I'm gonna open bank accounts for the kids this year-P50/mnth will do!

D.K, yes grandma.I'll make sure i see her at least twice b4 year end
She's fine but she keeps forgetting things
It hurt when she asked me who Vicky was!
There's gonna be more socialising and less drinking
I'll let Doc know that i wanna focus on my future with the kids more
She'll have to overstand even though she doesn't have kids herself-God! at 32!
Well we talked about it and i adviced her that this year she has to see a doctor

There'll just be too much to do this year
And those are my resolutions for the year ahead....

The Time Was Now...

It was hard doing what i had to do...but i had to do it!

Marriage..one hell of an Institution...or is it not?

When my mum got married to this guy i didn't like it! I even told her myself.I didn't like this guy.He made my mum go through a lot with his clear and obvious infidelity.He took my mum's love away from me.The love i was showered with for the whole of my first fifteen years.This guy just appeared from the middle of no where and took that away from me!

But my mum cared for him still.We moved to his place in 1994.My mum was transfered to Serowe then from Palapye to work at Furniture Mart.I got my transfer too from Orapa where i was staying with my mum's sister.

We were coming there to stay as a complete family.He came with his son too.Omphile who was one year younger than me.Well the truth is i was told that this guy is my true biological father.We went for a DNA test and they proved that we are both Blood Group O Positive.I hated him so much i even wished in those specimens(if there's a word like that) there were some things that could show we are both O but different somehow.I was told that he ran away when my mother told him that she was pregnant with me.Came back after 15 solid years!

It was fine at first.At least i could also have something to say when people talked about their fathers.But when he started abusing me i started wishing he was dead.I wished i could kill him.I didn't call him dad or father.I didn't know what to call him.When i told my mum that her husband has got a tendency of getting in the bathroom when i'm bathing,my mum would not believe it! She was always taking his side.My mum knocked off at 17:30pm,i left school at 16:00pm and the guy knocked off at 16:30pm.He'll rush to come pick me up at school.I wasn't involved in any sport at school bcoz by exactly 16:00pm he'll be parked at the gate.

He made my life a living hell and all this time i could say nothing to my mum bcoz she would not believe me.Is that how it should be in this institution? You don't have a say in whatever your husband is doing? Even if he multreats your kids you don't say a thing? Why? Because you love him? Can you love your husband more than your kids? If he is a stepdad are you supposed to always take his side? Aaaggg! Mannn! That's bullshit! That's why i don't think i'll ever get somebody for my kids to call their dad.Somebody who'll pretend that he loves them after he marries me he shows his true colours! If it's like that then marriage sucks!

But I almost did it! Rogy proposed on my 24th birthday.Gave me a gold band on the 17th of June 2004.Lol...i donno who bought it now because i sold it like last year to one Indian Jewellery Shop in the Main Mall.Edwin and i talked about getting married until he knew about my other two kids that i had kept away from him.I also remember that my ex,Ernest,who had dreadlocks, used to say that the dagga he used to take meant a lot to him because the name carried two full meanings he treasured so much! He said the word 'marijuana' sounded like Mary and Jane-my mum's name and mine.And then again the word marijuana is like it's saying marry Jane-meaning that he should marry me! WEll i ain't interested in the marriage thing anymore.I gues it's gonna take a bold guy to convince me otherwise!

On the 17th of February 2002 they(my mum and the guy) had a heated quarrell with and he ended up stabbing my mum with a knife below the left breast,by the heart.I gues he wanted to kill her coz at his work he was doing post mortem to dead people so he knew where to stab my mum to end her life.But God is always there.And He was watching.It wasn't my mum's time i gues.

Two weeks down the line he fell sick and died.Of course i didn't cry.When my aunt called to tell me about it i was like, ''is it?'' Another part of me said, ''your mum is out of it now'' and the other said, 'you have your mum's love back!''

I had 3 chances at getting married,and it never happened.The gold ring that Rogy gave me had 3 diamonds on it.I could have been a teacher,an accountant or a PR, 3 posts i gave away just like that.I have 3 kids i adore so much.Fuck! what's with the number 3?! oh! shit! Dammnnit! i even had the operation on the 3rd!

Hallellujah

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music,do ya?

It goes like this the 4th the 5th
The minor fall The major lift
The baffled King composing hallellujah

**hallellujah,hallellujah** x2

Baby i been here before,
I know this room
I've walked this floor
I used to live here alone
Before i knew you
I've seen your flag,
On a marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallellujah

**hallellujah,hallellujah** x2

All i ever learned from love
Is how to shoot at someone,
Who outdrew you
And it's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallellujah

**hallellujah,hallellujah** x2

(soundtrack to Shrek 1-it really does it for me)

Everyday...and everynight..!

Psalm 91:

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
Who abides in the shadow of the Almighty
Will say to the Lord,
''My refuge and my fortress: my God in whom i trust''
For he will deliver you from the share of the fowler:
And from the deadly pestilence:
He will cover you with his pinions.

And under his wings you will find refuge:
His faithfullness is a shield and buckler.
You will not fear the terror of the night,
Nor the flies by day,
Nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
Nor the destruction on that wastes at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
Ten thousands at your right hand:
But it will not come near you
You will only look with your eyes:
And see the recompense of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord your refuge,
The Most High your habitation.
No evil shall befall you,
No scourge come near your tent

For he will give his angel charge of you
To guard you in all your ways
On their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the adder,
The young lion and the serpent you will trample under foot.

Because he cleaves to me in love,
I will deliver him,
I will protect him,
Because he knows my name.
Whe he calls to me,
I will answer him:
I will be with him in trouble,
I will rescue him and honour him.
With long life i will satisfy him,
And show him my salvation.
Amen.

Psalm 121:

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From whence does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved.
He who keeps you will not slumber
Behold,he who keeps Israel,
Will neither slumber nor sleep

The Lord is your keeper
The Lord is your shade on your right hand
The sun shall not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil,
He will keep your life
The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and for ever more
Amen.

Some people are so so.....!

''Hi! Pamela,how are you?''

''Oh! Alex,am fine,and you?''

''Am fine too,i missed you?''

''Oh!..Alex!''

''Look,Pam meet me at Millenium Park,at 16:30pm,usual place okay?''

''Alex please!...I...I...I can't''

''I'll be waiting for you.Millenium Park,16:30pm..i'll wait for you,if you don't show up,i'll sleep there,i've done that before,i'll do it again!''

Once written,it's written!

It hurt me so bad.I only came to know this only on saturday.Why now?

I know i was the most intelligent student when i started school at kindergarten.I remember when we opened schools for the first time we were asked to count up to hundred.We started together as a class but when we came to 20 i was the only one left counting alone until i came to hundred.God is my witness i didnt know where all those numbers came from,every number was coming out so swiftly i didnt need time to think which number is next.

When i was doing standard one,i remember being summoned to a standard 5 class and was asked to tell the students(4 years older than me) how to pronounce bird, bad and bed.I was talked about in all the schools i attended, Tawana Nursery School,Mogapinyana Primary School,Bathoen House,Orapa Community Juniour Secondary School,Metsimasweu Juniour Secondary School,Swaneng Hill School and the UB.

What's hurting me now is i only learnt last weekend that when i finished my nursery schooling i was nominated by the De Beers Company(also called Deswana Company-the biggest company this country has ever had,that produces diamonds and brings a huge sum of foreign exchange into the country) to sponsor me to attend my primary level at Livingstone House.It's hurting and it still does,i know i can't turn back the hands of time but i'm mourning over it because Livingstone House is one of the best schools in our country that produces the best students.I hear that one of my teachers at nursery-i had 3 teachers who took us in turns,told the management that they cannot take me because i was too intelligent and she feared that i will go mad if i was to be allowed to attend school at Livingstone!

I'm gonna ask my mum if she knows anything about this!

Good Old Days Gone By

These are the pictures that these little people will see when D.K is gone,because i don't think she'll still be around when the reach their teens.But at least they will have something to show that at one point in their lives they had had a memorable chance to get some pictures with her.

But again i am afraid for Vicky,it's like she's gonna grow up into a tomboy because she's always surrounded by boys.Others tell me that it'll help her not to like boys coz she' s just gonna take them as her friends as she grew up around them..well i donno..maybe and maybe not.She's pictured on the other photo with Juniour,Tevin and Jeddah.On the other pictures they are with D.K,Jeddah on her lap.

She'll be missed...so much...we miss her already,but she's still here you know?.Right now she's in Kgagodi,the little village where some of us were bred and grew up.She's with my aunt-Motlhatswi,her last born daughter.

In many years to come D.K will be thought about,talked about,sung about and praised because she is a woman with a pure heart.She's one person who likes talking out something thats bothering her.She cant keep it to herself-one reason why i wished i was like her.The other time that i dont really wanna think about was the look i saw in her eyes at my dad's funeral when my mum's in-laws were doing as they pleasd to us,the things they said,tantrums they threw...and what pisses me off right now is they wanna pretend it has passed but they don't really know how hurting i still am,and i still plan a revenge on them,i know what i'll do and i know then,they are gonna see that they ain't the only living beings on earth.Enuff about that!

I love you D.K, God knows i do.And i'll always will....

Summer is here,Winter is gone

Summer's....

...when you can wear anything you want,bare back or cover up,or better still,show that navel-ring..
...when you can go anywhere you want,with anyone who dares,and anyone who cares..
...anytime of the day,while the sun shines,you make hay..
...when you can drink anything that'll pass through,without choking..
...anytime of the night..with everyone around..
...when you let your mind,body and soul go free..
...because everything's free..
...i love summer,when the sun sets,cows starting to moo,and the horizon being painted red..
...everything gets back to normal,you'll feel like letting your hands float and fly above the sky..
...i love summer,everything runs so smooth,music soothes every soul..

..yes...i love summer!

Winter's....

...very cold,makes us shiver,teeth tatter,talk in stammer..
...others choose to stay home..
...but others can't,when work comes calling..
...i hate winter,yes..i do..
...especially when i have to explain why i didn't wash the shirts in the washen basket..
...when i have to tell that my hands couldn't stand the feel of cold water..
...how about the dishes in the sink?..
...the tap couldn't run,winter froze inside..
...we can't do anything we want in winter..
..winter please go...

..Oooops!...it's gone...shuu!

...but the Wisdom stays the same

Name: Dikeledi B Koko
Born: xx/xx/1927

Ever since she was born,ever since she came into this world,she had known only one guy,she had kissed only one guy,she had slept with only one guy,she had been faith full to only one guy,she had looked at only one guy the way a woman should look at her man,and she has never looked at any man the same way.

When we had kids,us,her grandchildren,she had always told us that,that should be the only man we ever be with,but it has never happened that way,how i wish i had been like her! But this are the changing times and we aint living in her era.Her husband-my grandfather,died in June 1996.He was called Baitshentse Segwabe Koko(1917-1996).If i had had a camera by then i would have put up his picture for you guys to see.This was a couple made in heaven.

She's sick now,suffered a stroke in 2001.Now her left side aint working.But you know old ladies,they won't rest even though they know they have to.You tell them to sit down and rest,they tell you they want their work done the right way! What right way? Aaag! D.K!

Yah we call her D.K.She doesn't mind though.She has become more like a friend to us than our grandma.But still not forgetting to keep on instilling that wisdom in us,everytime she gets the chance.She was there when i had Vicky,she was there when i had Juniour and was still there when i had Jeddah.Every step of the way telling me to always treasure the will of God as everything happens for a reason.''you are an only child to your mother Seane and these are your little brothers and sister''.everytime she would say that.

The hardest blow the family couldn't take was when she suffered this stroke.She couldn't hold anything right,everytime she did,that thing will fall down.At first we took it for joke,because everytime she tried to stay still she'll keep on shaking and we would laugh at that,but now it hurts to see her do that! There was an instant when she couldn't talk properly,she would talk like a little baby trying to learn how to talk.She would not take hot or warm food,they had to cool first.

I hear she gave birth to 12 kids,now there's only 7 left.There were two pairs of twins and one guy who was the first born-Kenalemotse.He died in 1980 when i was born,but the twins died immediately they were born,she has never kept twins and she concluded that maybe twins were not meant to in our family coz my other cousin called Osetse also had a twin sister who died at birth,but she chose to stay behind,hence the meaning of the name.So in our family there are no twins.Now she's only left with her 5 daughters and 2 sons.

Jimmy Koko
Josephine Kgotlaetsho(married)
Hildah Segwabe(thats our other surname)
Isaih Koko
Mary Molefhe(thats my mum,she got married,even though the husband is late now)
Judith Segwabe
Motlhatswi Koko

Oh D.K! You have accomplished so much! I thank God to have a granny like you bcoz you are not like any other!

If it isn't broken,don't fix it!

Believing too much, loving too much,trusting too much...at the end everything goes down the drain.You look back and find that you havent even moved a single step.Everytime is starting afresh time.When is it going to be okay? When is it gonna end? I've done so much,cried so much,forgiven many a times,i've tried with all that i got,but still everything stays the same..

I was 16,he was going in to 18.Our classes faced inwards.Evrytime i'll stand by the doorway of our class and look at him at his class.He'll be standing at the same spot too,by his class and looking at me.Everytime we did that.And it felt so gr8.It made something in my blood run so fast i would hear my heart beat.We shared so much,people including us believed it gonna be forever.Ours was rekoned as the best relationship of all times at Swaneng Hill School.Well,it's surprising because he was one of the rascals in school but i loved him still.

Haah! What? Now? Oh! he's in the UK now.Stays there.Maybe he's gonna stay there forever coz there's nothing for him here (so it seems to me) Both his parents are late,so what's the use in remaining here anyways? Nothing! And i gues it's best that way coz i donno how the moment shall be the day we lock eyes.I want him to stay there.Ernest i want you to stay,make life in the UK,get married,have kids,do anything,but please remain there....just stay!

Vicky's doing fine.Her two front teeth are out now,i went to check on them over the weekend and i took pictures of her giving me a smile.In fact i wanted that gap in her mouth.She didnt want to smile when i took the pictures,but i told her the gap wont show in the picture.

I still remember the first time we met.I was from the M.P.H,been playing chess there and him from the gym trim.When i was walking to the bus stop i didnt believe it was him calling me from behind.....

Down memory lane...!

Miller and Vivian.If it was possible the whole world would have known how much in love they were,everyone who knew them,had solid evidence just how much these two were meant to be together...for-ever!(if there's anything like the word!)

I remember one time when we were having lunch Vivian will go on and on about how close she and Miller were..**cough**as if i didnt know.She'll tell me about how Miller picks her up at her office when she knocks off.Miller knocks off at his work at 16:30pm,but at that exact time he'll be at Vivian's office,only God knows at what time he would have left his office,he'll accompany her to school,Vivian's classes finish at 8:30pm,and Miller will be waiting for her by her class,they'll go home together,they were co-habiting,a very common situation we find today in Gabz done by most teenagers.

Miller was Vivian's only friend,but Miller had other friends of his whom he normally hang out with.Vivian was not allowed to have any girls as friends.Her life in Gaborone those days were a form of a triangle.From home she'll go to work in the morning,from work to school then from school back to base.It was a life she had grown to accept and live with.To her it was fine.It WAS fine anyway,what was wrong in there? Nothing!

Miller and Vivian met in 1998.It was in a bar back home where Vivian's mum comes from.Surprisingly enough Miller's mum comes from the same place too and as time went on Viv and Miller came to realise that they are related.In fact their mothers were cousins but that didn't stop them from taking what they had developed for each other a step further.To them,they were not related-their mothers were!.Well the relationship was put onhold the whole of 1999 and a good part of 2000 when Viv went for her National Service in Maun.Miller was doing his course at FETE in Gaborone,there were no cellphones and the only quicker mode of communication then was through writting letters and telephoning.

When the schools closed (Viv was teaching at Boyei Primary School in Maun during he national service) Viv came to Gabrone to meet up with Miller as they had appointed in the last letter Viv wrote to Miller.They were supposed to meet at City hall in the main mall.But it didn't happen coz Viv had realised she was pregnant with somebody else's child and she didn't want Miller to see her like that.So till the school vacation was over,Viv went back to Maun without having met with Miller.

Vivian was transfered back to her home village after she had reported to the authorities that she was pregnant.She came and awaited her time of delivery in Serowe.She gave birth to her first child on xmas day early in the morning.It was a baby girl.She was with her aunt at the time of delivery coz her mum went to attend a wedding of her niece in th eastern part of the country.When Vivian's mum came home she was very delighted to find a new baby at home.

Viv and Miller met again sometime in 2000.Ernest was gone now.Just because Miller loved Viv that much he took her back,together with the baby.He told her how he waited for her at Kgagodi.Hoping against hopes that she'll show up for christmas like the year that passed.But he had stories that Viv had fallen pregnant and that she was already laid in.He said he went to Viv's house to comfirm.When he was told that it was true he boardered the next bus back to Gaborone.He said he was very hurt! ''but it's okay now,we have passed that right? I'm over it myself.That's why i still want you back.Bcoz i love you Viv.I couldn't get over you.The reason why i went to Kgagodi was bcoz i wanted to see you.That's all.Please believe that i've totally forgiven you and i want us to start all over again.Please''

And as they say...the rest is history..!!

One tooth on top of a hill...!

When i fell pregnant with this guy,my granny fell sick,my dad stabbed my mum with a knife below the left breast during one of their usual heated arguments,my aunt and her husband got a divorce,my other cousin gave birth through caesarian operation,my boyfriend got mixed up with the police and spent two nights in jail,one of our antient huts at the cattlepost caught fire....

Jeddah(short for Jeddadiah-meaning God's beloved) came at a time when things were not really going well in my family,my dad had taken to his womanising and i gues then he was at his level best,my mum couldn't take it.When i saw her during those times she had lost so much weight i even thought myself that she was gonna die anytime soon.I spent most of my days asking myself what i would if ever i lose her,this woman is one of a kind!

Monday morning of November 04th 2002 around 5am,the waters broke,but there were no pains whatsoever,i was with Rogers Snr and Jnr that time and Vicky was in Serowe with my mum,we called the ambulance and i was rushed to Old Naledi hospital.Still around 10am there were no pains but the waters were still dripping.Around 4pm i was transfered to Princess Marina Hospital where i was given a drip to induce the pains,well i must admit the induced pains are much severe than the natural ones.

And then he came,weighed 4.6o5kg at birth and he was recorded in one of those books in the hospital as the 1st baby born at Princess Marina at that weight.When the nurses asked me what i was eating to give birth to such a huge baby,i just said 'avocado'.True,i used to crave for those.I would even not talk to Rogy if he wont include them in every meal he prepared for me.

I didnt see Jeddah for like two days after he was born and later the doctor told me he was put in an incubator to try and stabilise his carbohydrate content.The guy was huge! I feared for him though..i donno why but i did.I remember everytime when i went to the baby clinic to feed him,other new mothers will be looking enviously at my huge baby as theirs will be so thin and being fed on that milk at the hospital for nutrients.Jeddah didnt really need that at all,i even didnt breast feed him,just one month i gues..everytime i did he got big!

He's my mum's favourite,he eats too much,he's such i nice guy, David Norman couldnt contain himself coz when i told him he came on the 4th of Nov at around 4pm,he was like 'thats when i finished my exam!'.He was so delighted.

Daddy

My mum calls him Daddy,every one in the neighbourhood calls him Jnr,i call him Jnr too because he was name after the father.
Full name: Rogers Jnr Molefhe
Born: 20th October 2001

He resembles everything his father is made up of.Even all those girls Rogers cheated me with knew he had a son who looks exactly like him in every make up he had.Oh God! he's such a cute lil boy.Quiet but very stubborn,he will fight with me,through every thing he'll lay his hands on at me,he'll take my pad and run away with it when am still bathing,he calls it a nappy,he'll ask me on who am gonna put it on bcoz there's no baby here!

He'll try and embarrass me every where we go,one day i took him out to lunch at Barcellos,we were sitting there and this other guy came over to greet us.He was my former school mate.We were talking when all of a sudden Jnr asked me 'is it bcoz of this guy that my father ran away?'

Good Gracious God!

Tsholofelo Victoria Molefhe

You wondering why i aint using the same surname as her?...aaggg!..well my mum said so,my mum's every wish is my command.

I call this girl Vic-tsho-molf.Born 25th December 1999.The best xmas present i ever got.She goes to school now.When they closed for second term vacation she was the over all best student in all the standard one's at Makolojwane Primary School.I wasnt there,but my mum was there,she's always been there,for me,for them,for everyone.She's the best mum anyone could ask for.

Tsholofelo came at 5am,saturday morning/dawn on xmas day of 99.It was raining that blissful morning.I spent the whole night trying to fight with her as she was also trying to come out,the pains were excrutiating i swore i'll never come there again(only God knew what He had in store for me).By that time i was left home in Serowe with my aunt Judith(my mum's sister-after my mum,it's her),my mum's husband was also there,but most of the times he was out,even when the labour pains started he was not there,my mum was in Ramokgonami-where my cousin Dorcas was getting married.

When my mum came back on the 26th she found a visitor at home,i remember looking her in the eyes when she found a new girl at home,tears ran down my face coz i couldn't contain the excitement she had.She had bet that it was gonna be a girl.She's the one who came up with the name Tsholofelo,meaning Hope.

The next day i took a pen and paper and wrote Ernest Krug a letter saying that if ever i see him next to my Daughter,am gonna castrate him!...and i mean it!

Behind that smile...

I donno if i'm the one who said it or its just slipped from my mouth.My mum told me i came around 5:25am..lol..a good one coz Vicky came at 5am herself...the best xmas present i ever got!

Am telling you everytime i'm around some people,friends or family,i try by all means to put up a smile like that,but deep down i'll know it takes all my strength to stretch those muscles around my mouth.I live my days knowing that behind that smile lies the true colours of who i really am.No one,not a single person can change that and no matter how much i'll try to make people see the real person in me,i'll always feel the way i feel,will always live the way i live,will always see sun rise and sun set the same way.God too can also be tired of people doing things that are outta the way and coming back to ask for forgiveness from Him.How many times will He forgive those kinda people?

Behind that smile...lies a dangerous person,in mind, body and soul.She's trying so hard to be the person she wanna be,without jumping to any conclusions,without skipping any line,without counting any chicks b4 they hatch,without saying right is wrong with no proof.I dont wanna say i'll cross the bridge when i get there,i wanna know from now and from here how the road is like to the bridge.

The best advice i ever got from my mum is ''keep smiling even when the going gets tough''...so far**sigh**it has helped...!

'If you can't fly,run.If you can't run,walk.If you can't walk,crawl.Do anything you wanna do,but in everything you do...keep moving' (Martin Luther King Jnr-slain US human rights activist)

He had a dream,thats why he said that.I have a dream too..and my dream is never to hear somebody say to me 'mum,why did you bring me here?'...and am gonna make show i don't live to ever hear that....so help me God..!!