The Aftermath

I couldn't sleep the previous night.So many things were going on in my mind.But the main thing that was going on in my mind was what might be happening at the house i used to call my own.I'm still sleeping at 11am.My aunt had gone to work.Her first born too.And the other two had gone to school.So i'm alone in the house.I smiled coz i knew i was gonna be alone for the rest of the day.And it was gonna be like that for the next 7 days or so coz i was on study leave.

I was about to catch another nap when i heard a knock at the door.I dragged my feet outtta the bed and went to open the door.God! Please! Not now!..

''And then?''

''Can we talk?''

''About?''

After what seemed like ages he went, ''Jane,i'm sorry!''

''For what?''

''For yesterday.I didn't want it to be that way.I didn't plan it that way''

''Haa! So you planned that? Aaag! why am i even talking to you? Please leave!''

I closed the door and he quickly put his foot on the doorway. ''Jane,please hear me out!''

I showed him in.

''I've made the biggest mistake of my life by treating you like that.I was hurt okay.I wanted you to feel my pain.But now i realise i shouldn't have done that.Please forgive me?''

''Where is she right now?''

''She's at the house.I don't wanna see that girl anymore.She's refusing to leave my house.I want us to work it out Jane.Please.I cannot live without you.I just can't.

I'm looking at this guy and inside i'm going,''your house alright you surker! think i'm listening to you? after making a fool out of me you come here and tell me that crap?''

''Rogy you have to leave coz i'm going out now-!''

''You seeing somebody already?''

''No! my aunt sent me to pay her bills.And i have to study coz i'm writting my exams i a week.What i think you should do is go back to your house and be with your new girlfriend.I really cannot help you in any way.Sorry neh?''

He left and i went to get my bath before starting to run around doing some errands.Believe you me,the days that followed Rogy came to my aunt's every morning,like at 8 in the morning and sometimes left at night.He even went to fill in leave days at his work and said that he wanted to clear his mind.Our break up was still new so yes i wanted him back.I still loved him oh!

But then,one night,when i was alone in the bedroom.I started thinking.Rogy comes to check on me everyday.We spend the whole days together.He leaves at night.But when he leaves,he's going to that girl.And maybe that girl doesn't know he's coming here.He admitted that when i asked him.That girl didn't know he was coming here.She just thought he was going to work.Mmh! Men! They can really play their cards.And play them real right!
I wonder why i couldn't let him go then.Why didn't i tell him that i never wanted to see him again? Why didn't i tell him to fuck off? Well..there were reasons why i couldn't let him go.

We came thus far with Rogy.We went through a lot together.He cared for me.If it wasn't for him,i wouldn't be working for this company.If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be heading for my diploma in management now.He was there for me when Ernest fucked me up and left me with a baby.He loved Vicky as his own.He disowned his family when we had Rogers Jnr because they were complaining that he is spending too much time with me.He took me back after Jeddah.He still loved me then.Maybe even more.He planned for my birthdays in advance.He ordered stuff for Valentines day way ahead of time.He appreciated me in everything i did.In everything i was.Thats why it was fine to spend those days with him.

But then i gues he lost it when he saw that i wasn't interested in getting back with him.Well i still loved him,but what he did to me then was unforgetable.So he backed off a little.I liked it coz i was having my peace,even though i missed him sometimes.I just couldn't go back to him.I even told him that everytime i see him,i see myself fighting with another woman for him! Everytime i see him,i see myself reporting myself to the police for attempted murder! I just couldn't go back to that guy.I couldn't.

Like i said,he said he was through with Tshidi then.Didn't want him anymore after that sunday night.But life again..never ceases to amaze me.After Tshidi there came another woman into his house.The woman who had always(so i thought) wanted to be in my shoes.The woman who had always wanted to be me! The woman who had always wanted to have what i got.No! it's not a woman really.It's a girl.A little girl.

While i'm still walking this earth with these my two feet,i'll live to tell the story with Lebo! You remember her right? That little girl who Rogy and i used to help with her maths homework? That little girl who used to tell me that she looks up to me as her sister!...that's the woman of the house now...

Now You Know Why Right?

It was after a whopping two months when this other girl came to join us.She wasn't working in the same office as me but the same department.Like most people may know by now,i'm a people's person but i don't have friends..you know like someone you can hang out with and go out with at the weekends.So this girl comes in after getting to know her more i came to realise that we liked the same things and we liked talking dirty together.So i be-friended her.Abeg,our friendship was confided to the office.Like i saw her in the office and after work she'll go her way and i'll take mine.

Two years down the line,i thought i knew her and i gues she thought she knew me too.We talked about everything and anything.And then the eDumela thing started.In fact she's the one who introduced me to the site.Then i met Edwin.She wanted Edwin.Always she wanted to know the people i communicate with.When i told her,i'll find out later that she's been communicating with them.It didn't affect me anyhow coz we were just making friends..you know?

One night i went to watch my couzin,Dorcas performing at one club.In fact i been going there for a while now.Every weekend she'll be there with her group.And i'll be there to back her up.I can't even forget the night when the whole world was commemmorating Bob Marley.We were there at G4 doing our thing. Days that followed it happened.While at G4 i met this other guy.We lived on the same street while still at primary school.He's also in to muzic.I've seen him on T.V a coupla days back.He's been nominated for the Idols something something. So me and Gab had a thing going.You know how girls are now! When they encountered something that intices them,they wanna talk about to anyone who cared to listen.So i told this girl i'm working with.

We were on the phone daily with Gab,especially that he called me with through the toll free number,so we will be on the phone like most part of the day.And everytime i made him say hi to this girl i was working with.Gab is a people's person too so i didn't careless when they talked whatever with this girl. Gab was doing an advert for one company so i had to help him get his cheque from them.That time i had to go on study leave so i trusted this girl with him.She continued helping him out to email the company he was doing an ad for.I left for two weeks' study leave.

A coupla days when i was back from study leave,i wanted to send an sms i gues,and i can't remember what had happened to my phone,but i remember asking that girl to borrow me her phone.I put my sim card in...and gues what!

The phone was these latest ones that auto-archive so all the girl's messges(inbox & outbox) appeared on the phone.All her messages with Gab.....

You want me to go on?...no! i won't! She doesn't know that i found out about her and Gab.Did i comfront Gabby? Yah..i did.He said that girl is not his type! Can you believe that? What about the messages now? He keeps quiet! Mmmh! Men! What is it they want?

We are still in good terms with the girl.I call her my friend.We go out to lunch together.She still thinks that Edwin and i are still together.She asks about him everyday.She even asked about the other guy i've met some weeks ago.Well..i know my boundries now.

I gues now you know why i can never trust a woman right? The only ones i trust is my mum and i.If i had proof that God is a woman,gues i'll trust her too.....

And Then They Were Gone-The Dreams

Competition:Miss Freshers Ball 2001
Location: Tonota College Of Education



Phase One:

I can't contain myself when leaving the GICC premises at the Grand Palm.I'd made it to participate in the grand finale of the most talked about competition.Yes..that's exactly what i mean! I made it to the top 12.I'm hurrying to the bus stop to get a taxi home.I'm all smiles when i picture how my babe was gonna react to my new found breakthrough to the world where i've always wanted to be.

''You are not participating''

''What?'' i swayed to give him a you-dont-mean-that look.

''Babe what du mean?'' asking now in between sobs,the tears fast gathering and blurring my view,was starting to shake,my heart beating so fast.

''I mean exactly that! You are not taking part in that pageant! Don't you get that?'' He stood up and started pacing the house.

''But babe why?'' i'm crying now..

''Then what happens after that? If you don't win,it'll be a bonus for me,coz i'll know i'll still have you.But if you win,all those guys with money and driving flashy cars will definetly take you away from me.What will i be left with huh?''

''Babe,but we talked about this.What about the money we spent on registration and attire? Are gonna throw all that away? Just like that? Babe please don't do this to me? I've come this far,please don't?'' I'm like talking in between cries and hiccups.

''I don't wanna lose you Jane,and i know..i can feel it,that if if i let you take part in that event i'm gonna lose you.I don't wanna take that risk.My word is final.''

That night i cried myself to sleep in that couch...i coz i could clearly see my dream slipping away through my fingers...

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Talent show 1997
Swaneng Hill School
The only remaining members of the Grave Faces-LG & Baby Jay




Phase Two:

The queue was very long and it was scorching hot! But from what i knew L.G and i had put together,it was worth the wait and a little patience i gues.We were all gathered at Tsholofelo Hall,opposite my favourite hang out,Tsholofelo Park.The auditions were ongoing for My African Dream 2005.Many people came over to try their luck.Some came as individuals while others came in groups.Others were in pairs like me and L.G

L.G and i met in high school.Used to take part in talent shows at school and since then we were stuck together.Originally our group comprised of four members-The Notch,L.G,Biggy and me.Yes i was the only lady.So today we here just the two of us.The other two members left because of school and all..

L.G and i were singing our single 'tryina letting go'.Gues everybod like it coz after our presentation the hall went beserk,and the applause nearly brought down the building.Two weeks down the line we were contacted to come register at Cresta Lodge.Registration fee was just P50.

I'm excited too when leaving Cresta Lodge.This time around i knew my babe was gonna lemme participate coz he knew i had the voice and he was gonna be there with me always.Mind you we had already started something at home.He had a coupla softwares in his computer that we sometimes set down at to come up with nice tunes for some songs.So he knew i got a gr8 voice.

Still,when i told him that our group has been chosen for the M.A.D competition,he dis-allowed me to go take part.He came up with all sorts of stories.All sorts of excuses.

Now,i'm sitting here,this afternoon,at this computer,leshing out at i donno who.Blaming anyone i donno.So,this is what you get out of laying your life for somebody? Honouring and respecting what the two of you share?. I dont wanna imagine how my life would have been if that guy had allowed me to enter those competitions.Maybe it would have been a better opportunity for me to express myself.To express the real me.

Now,the years have passed.The years are gone.I'm done with ever dreaming of walking down that rampage again.My beautiful legs mean nothing to me anymore.Their place belong under this demin jeans for as long as they'll live.The smile has turned into a crying smile now.The eyes are swollen and my brains have been filled with so many forgotten things. The microphone?..i don't know if i'll remember how to hold it.The lyrics i had,the beats,the rythms,the strings i've dreamt of plucking...all have gone down the drain.

I've lived somebody's life.I've lived the way somebody wanted.I've obeyed,listened to and done exactly what i was told to do.Yes...it feels gr8 to know that you belong to someone.But not like that.I don wanna belong to someone anymore.At least for now i wanna belong WITH someone.I want someone who can tell me they love what i do,and still remind me of what i should not forget.Everybody's jealous.Everybody's insecure.But....eish...it's me mann! This is me! I know what i'm doing and i know what and what not to do.

There's Phase Three...but that's a story for another day....

Reason for Today's Blues

I usually sleep with all the windows of my little cottage open.The landlady had at one point told me to never leave my windows open.But God! This side of the earth is scorching hot!.But yesterday was just another of those usual days.

In the morning i wanted something from my bag and i found it missing from where i put it the previous night.I panicked! I opened the wardrobe to check for it.I went outside.Looked around the house. Look around the yard.


Came back.Checked the drawers.Did i mention the fridge?.Yes i even looked for it in the fridge! God! Where did the bag go now?

I went outside again.The guy who stays in the next house saw me looking around and asked what was wrong.I told him.He said when he woke up early in the morning he found a purse,handlotion and a diary on the ground.I asked him for them.They were mine!

Thank God my bank cards and other important cards were there.So whoever took the bag is gonna use my lipgloss,small makeup kit,nailcutter,and my Lobello.Well..it's okay.At least somebody will use them.

But i'll miss my bag o.It was new for God's sake!

I Never Stop Wondering...

Why is it that when some people close their eyes
They see their fantacy worlds,their dreams,their whole lives before them
And when i close my eyes all i see is darkness

Why is it that when some people open their eyes
They see,before them,cars running this way and that
People passing by and beautifully created creatures flying around
But when i open my eyes all i see
Is a blurr with nothing to make out

Why do we open our eyes when the sun comes up
And why do we close them when the sun goes down
Why does the sea seem blue,and the sky dark at night
Is the water coloured blue or is there any sky at all
Why do we laugh at joy and cry at pain
And still continue to endure the two all the days that we see

Why do people wake up excited every sunday mornings,
Go to church,praise and listen to the sermons
And still have their hearts full of hatred

Why do we always look forward to hearing
Words we dont wanna hear
Talk to people we dont wanna talk to,
Expect the un-expected
And still go on to wish whatever
Happened shouldn't have happened

Life has never ceased to amaze me.I been born so many years ago.I've gone through so much,have experienced so much(so i think),I've have seen life's up's and down's.I've laughed so much,cried so much,sang too much,talked too much,danced too much...but still i feel i've done nothing.Seen nothing.Experienced nothing.Nothing at all....

It Shall Come To Pass....

.....the lyrics

....My hands are small i know
But they're not yours
They are my own
Not yours-they are my own
And i'm never broken...

Is It Something Or Someone?

I have a loving family
I have my mum
I have the kids
But most of all
I have myself
Still something is missing

I pay my own bills
I buy my own stuff
I watch my favourite movies
I listen to my favourite muzic
But still i miss something

I got a good job
That's paying enough 4 me to see it through the day
I have a good boss
And understanding colleagues
But i still feel something is amiss

I have my cousins to hang out with
I have friends @ Edumela and Blogville
I have my 10 teddies at the house
I have my recipe book to try something new
But i still feel i need something

When days pass by and nights crawl in
I wish for something that will please me
When the sun goes up and i open my eyes
To the greeting good morning
I sit and wonder if it's gonna bring anything
That will change my life for the good
And when i watch it decend to sleep in the west
And its orange rays hit my eyes from the horizon
I pray,pray more and pray again
Because i know GOD has something good in store for me

I'm not in a hurry though
Just that life get lonely and complicated sometimes
And it continues to get boring most of those times
But i know i still have to wait
Because if it's not something that i miss...
Then i gues it must be someone...

There....I Said it!

Truth be told...
Somebody once told me that truth said will set me free,so:

Just a coupla days..no! weeks ago,i met a someone.We talked a lot.About him.About me.A lot about me though...
Everyday,when i logged into the net,and i'm waiting for the mail window to open,my heart will be beating so fast i could feel it.
I'll be saying a silent prayer that, ''God,please lemme find something from him..''
He never disappointed me
Everytime i got something from him.
Matters made worse,each message will have a picture attached to it!
There was a week when i had two pictures sent to me per day for five days.

Truth is...i think i fell for this guy..!
I didn't want to admit it but i gues i did
The reason why i'm writting this is because
The last message i got from him was like,
''I think i'm gonna have to let you go Jay,
I'm getting too attached to you''
I thought it was a gr8 idea too
Coz i was already too attached to him
And i wanted to let go of him too
I thought it was gonna be that easy letting him go..
But now he's gone..like he said
And i miss him..
I miss him so much...

There!...i said it!

The Disease Is Deadly

We had a brief encounter in 2002 feb.Gues that's when Jeddah was concieved.After that i never saw him again.When he first called (sometimes in 2004) i couldn't believe my ears.Said he got the office number from my mum.How? i never knew too.

He continued calling,most importantly checking on his son.And then for a moment he stopped calling.I wasn't anxious for his calls anyway.But surprisingly,one day in 2006,dammnit! that's last year,he called:

''Hi''

''David?'' i knew his voice

''Yah,it's me''

''Long time''

''I know''

''Where have you been?''

''Around''

''Doing what?''

There's a deafening silence.

''Jane, i wanna tel you something''

''Am all ears''

3 to 4 minutes' deafening silence again.

''Are you still there?''

''I..i..i'm joining the ARV Therapy''

WHAT?''

Silence.

I'm shaking.The phone reciever falls down on to my lap.My head is spinning.I blacked out.I feel sweat running down my spine.It was at lunch time.I'm supposed to eat,but i can't.

The next morning i didn't come to work.Went straight to the HIV/AIDS testing centre.God! i told the guy everything.And then they took my blood by pricking the end of my finger.10 minutes or so later i'm called again into the little room for the results.Believe you me,before i picked up the lid from the basin,i said a little prayer.I was shaking again.I was sweating.I could feel my heart beat.

When i left that testing centre i wondered how!.I never asked.All i wanted was to know.
He called again first thing the following morning.And i told him my results.I don't even know how he's doing right now.His number is not available.

I've heard the HIV virus is much smaller than the pores on the condom,and that it can easily pass through.

One time again(sometimes in mid-2005) i went to check my mum's sister in O/town.I was with one of my cousins.We went out and i met one guy.That was on friday night.Saturday night we went out again.Drank till we dropped.Sunday morning i boardered the first bus.Nothing happened between me and the guy okay?..nothing.

Three months later one of my former school mates invited me for her kitchen party in Orapa and i told the guy that i was coming over.Okay.Fine.The kitchen party was so jam packed.It started late around 8pm.Introductions,The bitch is coming,Here comes the bride and finally it was over.

It was around 11:30pm when that guy came to pick me up.Yes..we went to his house..and YES we used a condom.
I was on leave like for three days,so he dropped me off at home in the morning.I found my cousin preparing breakfast.

''Wow,just in time for tea'' i said this opening the fridge to get milk for my tea.''How was your night?''

''Gr8! yours?''she wasn't in the mood.

''Are you sure your nite was gr8?''

''Lefhoko call me to tell you something''

''Yeah what?''

''That Jojo is HIV positive''

''WHAT?''

The milk spilt into the sink.I started shaking,sweating and trembling.I became dizzy.Supported myself with the cupboard nearby.I went into the living room.Set on one of the diningroom chairs.God! i was shaking.Everything before me became invinsible.I blacked out again.

The next morning i left for Gabz.Not even a goodbye to him.

3 months later i went to the testing centre.Life never seizes to amaze me.

I fell sick last year when i had my right fallopian tube removed.While i was admitted in hospital i had three packets of blood transfused into my body.Since then i make sure i visit the testing centre every three months.

Guys lemme tell you something.It's better knowing your status than just sitting and waiting for nothing that you don't know.Better get tested now! Me? Well i go for testing every 3 months just to make sure you know?You can never trust these people? It really feels good to know.Good luck!